I'll Find What I Need, Because I Said So

It's been six months now that my ex lost his job and hasn't paid child support; six months that I've had to be back on cash assistance from the State; and four months that I've been required to do the job searches and volunteer work that the State requires to help me.I must say that I'm really getting sick of it.

They turned my school volunteer work into a job. Something that I used to look forward to doing has now become a chore. Don't get me wrong, I love helping at the school, I just don't like that fact that I'm supposed to be there on a schedule every week rather than being able to go when it's convenient for me. On top of that I have to do a required amount of job searching every week and I have to log every job I apply to and turn in the job search logs every Friday. Between the two - volunteering and job searching - I have to get in 30 hours a week, that's 120 hours a month of 'work' for the State so they can pay me $342 a month in assistance. Do the math. I'm working for the State for a whopping $2.85 an hour!!!! That's a great living wage, don't you think?

What's really pissing me off is that the only places that want to hire me are retail outlets who only have part-time, minimum-wage openings working nights and weekends. Do the math on that. Working 25 hours a week after taxes I'm not left with much more than the State is giving me now. Not to mention that I'd have to pay someone to watch my kids so I'd end up with even less. Ty is old enough to stay by himself during the day but Zach and Dolly need someone around to keep a handle on everything, and none of them can stay alone at night.

Nobody wants to hire me for day jobs because I'm considered over qualified. I've been working in an administrative capacity for over 20 years and nobody wants to pay more than $10 an hour. The last job I held, before Ty was born, I was making $13 and hour and that was almost 13 years ago. I'm still applying for jobs, though, and not getting any responses. My only reasoning is that employers don't think I'll accept the low wage they're offering but I'm not even being given a chance to discuss it. I've actually received emails telling me that my qualifications don't meet the company's needs when the jobs I applied to are for the same work I've always done.

What's more difficult is that even if I did get a full-time day job there isn't one employer out there that gives a rat's ass that I'm the only one here for my kids. If one, or all of them, gets sick I'd lose money having to stay home, and since my kids don't all get sick on the same day I'd risk losing the job having to take numerous days off to tend to my kids.

I've got a Bachelor of Science degree in Paralegal Studies but can't get a job as a paralegal because I don't have the requisite two - 10 years of experience that most attorneys and companies are seeking. We've all said it before. "How do I get the experience if I can't get the job first?" It doesn't make any sense to me. I've even offered to freelance paralegal work to no avail. It would save the attorneys a bundle in overhead if I just picked up the work, brought it home, did it and returned it but nobody wants that.

I'm self-disciplined and organized enough to work from home doing whatever I can but nobody is willing to give me a chance to prove that because they won't discuss anything with me. I send in a resume and either hear nothing or hear that I'm not what they're looking for. What the fuck do employers want? I don't know because they're not telling me. All I can surmise is that they want someone who's new to the work force, willing to accept a low wage, and willing to be trained the way the employer wants him or her trained. Someone like me, someone who's got a long history of experience with numerous qualifications is being tossed aside because I do a good job, require little to no training, and want to get paid a fair wage for the work I do.

You know what? It's not my fault they don't want me, it's theirs, and it's their loss. I'm going to keep looking and someone will come through with a great job for me. Everyone who's passed on me so far will still be looking for someone months from now because they'll have to keep replacing whoever they find when that person doesn't work out just right. I, on the other hand, will find exactly what I'm looking for at a decent wage to raise my kids and pay my bills, and the company will be family friendly and will understand that my kids come before all else. You know how I know? Because I said so. Things have always worked out for me in the past and they will this time too.

Until next time... peace to all.

I'm a Pain? Okay, If You Say So.

It's been six weeks since I've been here, that's a long time. I keep wanting to be here but by the time I get done with my chores and my kids I just don't have the energy at the end of the evening. Sorry about that. It happens, right? Well I'm here now and that's because I'm aggravated. Zach told me a few minutes ago that I need to "go die in a hole" because "you're a pain."

I'm a pain. I'll tell you why he thinks that. I've been on all my kids lately to keep their belongings picked up and put away because I'm tired of seeing it and I'm tired of having to be the one to clean up after them, especially when I do the house cleaning on Fridays. Over spring break I had each of them clean a section of the house that I usually clean so they'd know what it was like for me. I was going to walk them through every step I take to get the house clean.

Zach had both bathrooms and started out okay but ended up complaining that his back hurt from all the bending and sweeping of the stairs. Then Dolly had to clean the kitchen and was upset that she had to start by washing all the dirty dishes that she and her brothers had left in the sink the few days prior. "Why do I have to wash them when they're not mine?" Gee, I say that same thing every Friday. Ty had the living room and was saying, "Oh, this isn't so bad," until I got nit-picky with him about not picking up this or that and not dusting completely.

None of the kids were happy with all the work they had to put in on the one section of the house that they had to clean. Imagine if I'd have made each of them clean the entire house. For a couple of days they were really good about keeping everything picked up and put away but that faded over time. For the past few days I've been really annoyed because I cleaned on Friday for Dolly's birthday and party on Saturday and you can't even tell now that I did any cleaning.

All the kids have messes in the living room, their rooms, MY room, the bathrooms, and the kitchen. I've asked repeatedly for them to pick up their things and I always get the same answer, "I will." It's really frustrating walking around the house and having to walk over something or push something else out of the way. Now, though, I've had enough of it and that's why Zach got mad at me. 

I went in the kitchen this evening to make dinner and I was finding their toys and games and whatnot all over the kitchen. I asked Zach to pick up the Monopoly game he was playing last night and he said he didn't take it out. I reminded him that he was the one who asked if his friends could come in a play Monopoly and that I'd like the game picked up. According to Zach, "Dolly was the one who actually took it out so she should put it away." Oh really? Fine. I picked up the game and tossed it on the floor in the living room along with everything else that was on the table that didn't belong. I wasn't about to have to question who left this or that where it didn't belong so it all went.

I started to go into my speech about how tired I am of them just leaving things around the house and not caring that I'm the one who has to clean it up every week. Then I stopped mid-sentence, looked around the room, threw up my hands, told them to make their own dinner, grabbed my belongings and came upstairs to my room. When I came up here I remembered that Zach left his mattress on my floor from last night. He's scared of a video he watched and didn't want to sleep in his own room.

I yelled downstairs that he needed to get his stuff out of my room or it was going to go flying down the stairs. That's when he yelled at me. "I KNOW! I'M GOING TO PICK IT UP! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO DIE IN A HOLE! YOU'RE A PAIN!" I'm a pain?! I'm the one constantly being ignored and I'm the one having to clean up messes and wash dishes that aren't mine. I'm also the one who gets asked for a dollar for ice cream at lunchtime on Wednesdays, I'm the one who lets them have friends spend the night on weekends, I'm the one who buys little gifts and snacks just because, I'm the one who drives to baseball practice, I'm the one who goes on field trips and brings lunch to school on birthdays, I'm the one who offers hugs when they're needed, I'm the one who gives up my private space when nightmares are on the horizon, and I'm the one everyone runs to when they want or need something but I'M A PAIN because I want my home to look nice and I want my kids to follow rules and be responsible for their own belongings.

Well, this PAIN has had enough so I'm going to sit in my room by myself and not allow anyone else in here for any reason. I'm going to let the kids figure out what that problem is and why I'm not allowing them to be in my company. And I'm going to continue to come up to my room every afternoon when they return home from school. I'm done talking, asking, yelling, arguing and being called names. Something's gotta give, and it's not going to be me. I know, I'm a pain that way.

Until next time... peace to all.