So Much for Relaxation

I was already here today and didn't think I'd be back for a day or so. However, something came up that I need to discuss and, as it's after 10:00p.m., I can't really call anyone. It's nothing detrimental but I won't be able to relax and get any rest if I don't put this out there. I'm not complaining mind you; I was laughing at myself the entire time this took place, but I still have to tell the story. First, though, why in the world do toy manufacturers make toys that have to be assembled but the instructions are impossible to follow? And why don't the pieces fit together as they should? Can anyone tell me that?

After all the cleaning I've done for the past couple of days, I thought I would have a relaxing evening sitting quietly, maybe have a drink or two, and just enjoy the silence of the night. That wasn't the case. Tyler, my seven year old, came to me with a prize he'd won at school the other day that he wanted me to assemble for him. It's a wooden 3-D puzzle of an eagle perched atop a globe. The eagle is leaning somewhat forward with it's wings high over it's head with feathers spread. The puzzle consists of about 55 pieces, all with grooves punched into them, in different places, so they can slide together quickly and easily to form the final product. Okay. I like puzzles and I like handy work so this shouldn't be a problem. Honestly, how bad could it be? I was quick to find out just how bad it was.

Ty had already punched out all the pieces, which he delivered to me on a paper towel, along with the assembly instructions. Why he punched them out I'll never know. Maybe it's just a kid thing. They feel like they're helping with the project in some way, even if they can't do the actual assembling. Whatever. I could figure it out. It's a puzzle for crying out loud. So I put the instructions on my newly-cleaned desk, spread the pieces out, got some Elmer's Wood Glue and sat down for a nice, easy job of puzzle assembly.

What I soon found out was that the instructions weren't exactly instructions on how to put the puzzle together. It was a single sheet of paper with a diagram of all the pieces, not in any particular order, with each groove, of each piece, meticulously numbered. Mind you, some of these pieces have only one groove, but others have anywhere from five to fourteen grooves. That's because anywhere from five to fourteen other pieces are supposed to be stuck to that one piece. The exact instructions read: "Pick up two pieces which correspond with each other by number and assemble." It would have been great if it were that easy. First of all, there were, at times, more than just two pieces with the same corresponding number. It was up to me to actually figure out which C1 attached to that C1, and where the other C1s actually fit in. Not so easy after all.

Okay, I get started with the base - the globe. I've got the bottom circle and the top circle attached to two of the side pieces and the bottom ring in place. All of them are glued nicely together and I'm pleased so far. Then I glance at the opposite end of the diagram and find that four of the other base pieces are listed there. Oh good grief! Now I have to take apart the pieces I've assembled just to slide these other pieces in place. Breathe. I can handle it. Done. The globe is together. Then I notice that there are grooves on the top of two of the side pieces, and grooves on the bottom of the other two side pieces. Is it supposed to be that way, or are the grooves all supposed to be on the top or all on the bottom? Check the picture of the finished product on the other side of the instructions. Guess what? All the grooves are supposed to be on the bottom. Disassemble the whole thing to flip these pieces around, but now the top is where the bottom is supposed to be and vice versa. Holy cow. Now I'm getting annoyed. Okay. Take it all apart again flip everything one more time and, voila, the globe is now together and ready for the eagle.

There's another problem, though. Not only are my hands now covered in glue from all the taking apart and putting together, but the grooves that are machine-punched into these puzzle pieces aren't fitting together as they should. Some only slide half way in, some slide too far, and others are so narrow that I'm afraid they'll split if I force them to fit where they belong. Well, I'll do my best. The glue should hold each piece in place - even if it doesn't fit exactly right.

So, onward with the eagle. This part wasn't too bad until I realized that the base doesn't stand solidly on the desk. It's a bit wobbly because of the aforementioned faulty groove system. No matter. I keep going. The leg/body pieces seem to fit nicely. The grooves on the tail piece, though, are too close together so I have to squeeze the body pieces inward to fit the tail on. Still, it's working. The neck piece is the same as the tail piece so the head pieces don't fit properly and the back feathers are too wide now to fit at all. Get the scissors and cut them slightly so they fit. Great. Done. Now for the wings. These wouldn't be too bad except for the fact that they're the pieces with the fourteen grooves I mentioned earlier - each groove holds a small feather piece. Put the feather pieces on the wings, some of which have to be glued in place because the grooves are way too wide, then set the wings in place on top of the body. Wow! My masterpiece is finished.

Three, two, one...the whole thing topples over because the base is wobbly - remember, I mentioned that earlier also - and the eagle's wings are heavier than the globe. Now I let the expletives have their place in my living room while I scramble to pick up all the individual feather pieces that have bounced themselves loose with the eagle's nose dive. Glue those pieces back in place, replace the wings, and see if I can adjust the stand a bit so it stays upright. It'll stand for a while - as long as nobody touches it, or breathes near it. It's going to have to stand on a bookshelf with its tail against the wall just for balance, but, it's done. If Ty, or anyone for that matter, actually touches it, I'll lose my mind. I can't stand the thought of gluing more feather pieces on if they fall off again. If he ever brings home anything like this again, I'm calling the manufacturer and having them send someone to my home to put the thing together.

At least now I can relax, though. It's together, he won't bug me about it, and I did get one benefit out of the whole deal. I can sit in bed, tonight, peeling the dried glue from my hands, the way I did when I was in grade school. Remember how fun that was? That should give me a little bit of relaxation.