Just Needed to Rant a Little Bit

I'm in the mood to rant tonight because I'm confused and have absolutely no idea what to do. My kids went to their dad's tonight for an overnight visit. I was alone for about a half hour when I heard a noise at my screen door. I lock the door when I'm here alone, especially at night. First I thought it was just the wind, it's really windy over here today. Then when I heard the noise again I thought it was my neighbor trying to get my attention so I got up to look. It was Ty trying to get in. He'd had an issue with Paul and left Paul's to come back here.

Ty said he didn't tell Paul he was leaving, he just took his stuff and came home. When I asked what happened he told me there was an issue with hooking up the kids' XBox, blah, blah, blah and Paul started yelling at Ty so he got upset and came home. I sent Paul a text so he'd know where Ty was and he texted back that he was pissed at Ty. Whatever, I don't care. I'm trying to find out what's going on.

It was a small issue; Ty wanted Zach to do something, Zach claimed he didn't know how - which he did - Ty pressed the issue and Paul got angry at Ty and made Ty do the aforementioned task. In the midst of me trying to talk to Ty about it, Paul called on the phone yelling at me that Ty needs to be grounded and that he can't go back there tonight. Fine. Shut up. Get off my phone and let me talk to Ty. I didn't say that, mind you, just thought it loudly to myself.

So I sent Ty upstairs to his room and told him he could stay up there tomorrow for leaving Paul's house without telling anyone. A few minutes later Paul called back saying he was pissed at Ty and that Ty can't go running back here, his home, whenever he gets upset with Paul, and that Ty needed to go back there. I agree with that but here's where my dilemma enters the scene. Our kids have not had Paul around them for any length of time, or with any consistency, for more than 10 months of their lives. They don't know how to live with him around and he doesn't know how to be a hands-on father. I'm being put in the middle of everything.

I don't mind being in the middle of things; I do it all the time for my friends. I help them work out fights, I listen to their problems, I find resources for them when needed; I'm an I-will-help-you-with-anything-at-any-time type of person. I just don't know how to do it with my kids and their dad. They're afraid of him; I'm afraid of him. He's vindictive and nasty at times, and when he's been drinking it's even worse.

I've, pretty much, got control of my dealings with him but there's that one little part of my subconscious that knows he's a nasty shit at times and that's what stops me from saying the things I need to say to him sometimes. I usually text just so I can save his words for future use, if needed. I can't tell my kids not to be afraid of him because I am.

I told Ty to go back to Paul's house and tell him he's sorry for leaving without saying anything; and I also told him to tell Paul that he doesn't appreciate having to be the only one to help his brother and sister just because he's the oldest. That was part of what Ty was upset about when he got here. Ty doesn't like Paul always telling him to do things for Zach and Dolly when they need help with something; Paul needs to be doing that, not Ty.

We have totally different households and Paul doesn't understand that. In my home the kids and I work as a team, helping one another and doing things for those who can't. All of us work together to get things done. In Paul's house he does what he wants and leaves the kids to fend for themselves then gets pissed when they fuck things up, or he gets angry with Ty because Ty didn't step in and help.

Ty didn't want to discuss that with Paul because he's afraid of him and didn't want Paul to yell at him again. I told him he has the right to tell his dad how he feels as long as it's done respectfully. In my home the kids talk to me about everything; they even yell at me at times when they're angry. They don't get away with it but, at least, I don't explode on them the way Paul does. He doesn't believe kids are entitled to opinions; I do.

I think kids have the right to express themselves, to get angry, to be sad and cry, to disagree with someone, and to have and express whatever emotions they may be feeling at the time. Paul thinks kids need to do what they're told and that they're feelings are insignificant. Grrrrrr....stupid mother fucker.

I have absolutely no idea how to deal with all of this when it's laid in my lap. I can talk to the kids and I can talk to Paul, I just can't discuss the kids' feelings with Paul because he starts getting angry with me over it. That's where my PTSD from the domestic violence kicks in and my physiological response is to shut up and let him yell at me. I feel bad even having to send my kids over there because it's like forcing them to play with the neighborhood bully. Would you do that to your kids? Of course not. I have to, though, because it's in my divorce agreement that he gets certain visitation and all that shit.

We were all much better off when he lived states away and wasn't this close to us all the time. I know things will get worse for the kids once Paul get a girlfriend - which I'm surprised hasn't happened yet because the man simply cannot be alone for any length of time. That's probably why he bugs the shit out of me all the time. Once Paul does get a girlfriend he'll go back to the way things used to be that when the kids are there the girlfriend takes care of everything while Paul watches TV or plays on the computer. He does that now and he's the only one there with them. They play video games or watch TV and Paul spends his time texting or going on his laptop. Why do they even need to be there?

It is what it is with regard to that but I still don't know how to handle the parenting issues with Paul. He'll listen to what I have to say and then completely ignore me and do the exact opposite of my advice simply because he can and he doesn't like being told what to do when it comes to his kids. He's a control freak who feels that he has the right to treat people the way he wants no matter how it makes them feel. And whenever anything goes wrong he feels the need to take it out on me. I just can't be everybody's verbal punching bag all the time.

But I'm calmer now that I've spilled this all out, as ridiculous and garbled as it may sound. Sorry about that, but if I walked around my house ranting like this my neighbors would probably call the wacky shack on me. In any case, I'm finished now and will go back to watching TV. I'll probably put on a movie about two people who fall madly in love. Since all that stuff is bullshit I'll get a good laugh from it. Enjoy your evening, night, day - whatever time it is that you may be reading this.

Until next time...peace to all.