When Reality Kills Fantasy

A friend told me the other day that my posts seem to be coming from my comfort zone lately and I guess they are. I think it's because my life has brought me back to my comfort zone and I don't really know how to step out of it right now. Everything that happens on a day-to-day basis is the same, nothing changes, nothing exciting happens and, for the most part, I'm happy that way. I don't like surprises, I don't like drama...so it's just easier for me to discuss the commonplace events that occur here rather than my hopes and dreams he said I don't discuss anymore. I'd like to talk about more but something holds me back; it's safer that way.

The reason I write here is really because I don't have many people to discuss anything with without feeling like I sound like an idiot. Don't get me wrong, my friends would never say that to me but I feel like they're thinking it. Sometimes when I'm here I feel the same way but I don't have to see the face of the person reading it and notice that he or she is trying to stifle a laugh. That's because I feel like the things I think about don't make sense to anyone but me. See, most of my thoughts are fantasies that I quash with my own fears, whether rational or irrational.

For instance, the other day I was feeling lonely so I was thinking about how nice it would be to have a man in my life. I was watching TV and saw a great lead character and how great of a partner he was to his mate and I thought of all the good things that would come of me having a guy like that in my life - I wouldn't be lonely all the time, I'd have a grown-up to talk to occasionally, I'd have someone to hold my hand when I'm feeling down or someone to rub the pain out of my shoulder. I thought of how nice it would be to be able to just lean my head on someone's shoulder while we watch TV; and none of it has to lead to some sort of sex-capade all the time. Then I talked myself out of it.

I started thinking that caring men, men who give as much attention to their woman as they do to themselves, don't really exist because I've never met one - remember, my ideas of men only come from movies and TV. No man I've met in my life, whether friend, significant other, family member, or stranger, has ever been even remotely close to what my idea of a great partner is supposed to be. Then I watched the show a little longer and changed my mind again - maybe, just maybe, men like that do exist. Maybe there is one for me. Uh-oh...hear comes my reality leaking in again.

Even if I were to meet a guy like that I probably won't ever find out how great he is because I won't give him the chance. Why? Because too much from my past spouts up to the present. The ugly words that have been said to me, the emotional scarring and psychological damage that've been done, my total lack of self-esteem because of all of it come creeping in to flush the fantasy away.

I start thinking that, even if Great Guy did come along he'd find out who I really am and run screaming for the hills as fast as he can. If he's my age or older he won't want to take on the responsibility of my three kids since most men my age have kids who are grown. If he's a little younger than me and doesn't mind my kids he may want to add to the family and that won't happen because I'm not having anymore kids.

Then I add to the mix that even if he wanted my kids and no more of his own he wouldn't want me because of my physical appearance. Pretty face, yes, but it goes along with a not-so-attractive body; a body that could be better if I had the resources and ambition to make it better but why do that when the baggage from my past won't allow any guy to want to stick around too long anyway.

Just to get all that ugly crap off my mind I'll turn back to the TV and watch another show with some really great lead character and that sends me back to square one all over again. It's a vicious cycle with me and I don't know how to get out of it. Most of the time I'm okay being alone, I've said that before, but there are times when I just feel really alone, even with my kids around.

I've been through four years of counseling and that helped some but we never got to a point where we discussed dating or how I'd feel or handle it. Not that I'm in any place to date right now, and I certainly don't want to date right now - I'm thinking future through all of this - but it would be nice to know what to do if and when the opportunity arises. I guess I'll just figure it out when the time comes.

But, see, this is why I don't really talk to my friends about things like this, it sounds silly and childish to me. I don't know how it sounds to you but I don't have to see you as you read it so no harm done here. It's just a bunch of my jumbled thoughts written down for all to see and, even though I started to cry when I began writing, I'm actually shaking my head and laughing at my own stupidity right now.

However, it is what it is and it's just something I'll have to learn to deal with since I don't know how to change my odd thought processes. I do, but not always about stuff like this. Anyway, maybe I made you laugh, maybe you're just thinking I'm pathetic, maybe you feel sorry for me. I don't know and right now I don't care. I'm tired so I'm going to watch a little TV before I go to sleep and perhaps have a happy dream. Those I can handle; it's my reality that gives me issues.

Until next time...peace to all.