Back to Square One - Again

And my story continues. I never finished writing about the whole episode of the kids and me in shelter and getting out because I wasn't fully on my feet yet but I was on my way. Now we've had a major setback because of circumstances out of my control yet again. My ex got fired from his job a couple of weeks ago, for cause - a GOOD cause. Since he's no longer working I don't get child support anymore - again. That's the bulk of my current income. The part-time job I have doesn't pay enough to cover all my expenses.

Last time I got any money was two weeks ago. I won't get any this week or any weeks afterward as far as I can tell. I've stepped up my job search but haven't heard anything back from anyone yet. We can no longer just walk into a place, ask for an application, speak to a manager and get a job. It's all done online now and we have to wait weeks before we hear anything from the company, if we hear anything at all.

This sucks big time because I'm out of cash and have to figure out a way to pay my bills. There was a chance that I'd be getting a partial child support payment this week because my ex was supposed to get a partial final paycheck. When I texted him about it he said I won't be getting anything. Then when I complained that I have bills to pay he actually had the nerve to respond that this doesn't affect only me, that he has bills to pay too and can't. Gee! Guess what! I'm not the mother fucker who got caught stealing at work and got fired, thus fucking up the lives of others.

He doesn't seem to understand that he's putting his kids' home in jeopardy because of his stupid bullshit, nor does he seem to care. Right now, as we speak, he's sitting at his girlfriend's house doing whatever he does when he's with his women. I'm sitting here trying to sell my furniture online to get some money. He's a fucking class act, right? Unbelievable.

He also made comment about my upcoming court date. On Tuesday I'm going to court for the petition I filed to get supervised visitation for my ex and the kids. Children's Division won't let him see them right now because of his arrest for domestic violence against his then-girlfriend back in August. He said that I'm probably looking forward to court so I can have him labeled as a dead-beat dad. You know what? I hadn't thought about it until he mentioned it but it just may end up that way. What kind of asshole loses two jobs in two years on the implication that he was stealing from his employers? The fucked-up kind of asshole, that's what kind.

Right now I'm so angry at him that I can barely see straight. And you know what? This time there is no forgiveness. He really hates it when he thinks I'm angry at him. He tries to be overly nice and do favors and all that shit to get back in my good graces. Not this time; not ever again. I'm so tired of him thinking only of himself and not giving a rat's ass who he hurts in the process of his bullshit.

I know everything will work out for me, it always does. I'm just so sick of having to be thrown off track every time he fucks up. Why do his problems always have to become my problems? It doesn't seem right but it happens every single time. I just need some way to disconnect myself from him so that I can live my life with our kids and not be bothered every time he screws up. He can see the kids when the judge deems it appropriate, he can pay his child support, but he needs to stay at a distance from me and make sure that he keeps his problems to himself.

For now, it is what it is, right? I'll live and I'll get through this trial on my own, just like I always do. I don't like it but I have to do what I have to do. My kids and I will stick together and just keep plodding along and we'll come out of this one way or another. That's a promise to them and to me. I can do it; I have faith.

Until next time... peace to all.