NtT - Day Five

Is it bedtime yet? I’m cranky as all get out tonight. My computer is running slower than the day is long. I’m listening to music on it, trying to check out Facebook, and get my blog done for tonight. That’s not much but the fucking thing is taking its sweet-ass time between functions. Right now I’m working solely on the blog so I can get it done and posted before my head pops off my shoulders. I’ve had a couple of drinks tonight for the first time since I’ve quit smoking, too. Not fun, especially since I QUIT SMOKING!!! Sure, I’ve got a slight buzz; makes for a relaxing evening. Two of the kids are at a neighbor’s, spending the night; and the third is upstairs asleep, I’m assuming, since I haven’t heard him since he went up there a couple of hours ago. It’s actually nice and quiet and I should be able to get done what I need to do but it’s not working out that way.

Today has not been a good day with regard to be being emotionally stable. I’m sick of living in the fucking crappy neighborhood with neighbors that feel the undying need to watch my every move simply because they have nothing better to do. Mind your own fucking business people; it’s my life, not yours and all I’m doing is living and raising my kids. BUTT THE FUCK OUT!!!

I need to get out of here!! This area, I mean. I can’t stand not being able to work. I worked for 18 years before I had Tyler but I haven’t worked since. If I can just get back to the East Coast I’ll be fine. I’ll be able to find work, right Ellen? You and I will whore ourselves in every attorney’s office in the State of MD to get freelance paralegal work so we can make some money. I’m willing, and I know you are. It’ll be tough but I know we can make a living and then some doing that. I just have to get out of here first.

Hey, guess what? My neighbor’s friend drove in the parking lot a few minutes ago, drunker than drunk – we’re talking fall-down drunk. I called Ellen to see if she’d call the police on this guy if he was outside her house, and two of my neighbors were outside discussing it just as Ellen and I were talking about it. He got back in his truck and started to pull away so I hung up with Ellen and called 911, thanking the Universe that neither Zach nor Dolly decided to come home from the neighbor’s house at that minute. The guy was all over the road. Then, surprise, surprise, both kids came walking across the parking lot (after the drunk was gone) because they missed me and wanted to come home. Now all three kids are in my bed watching TV (Ty wasn’t asleep after all) and I still haven’t finished my blog.

Does it matter? Probably not to the average person, no. To me, yes because I really want this quitting thing to work and this is the only way I can vent. I feel bad for some of my friends on Facebook tonight. I wasn’t exactly personable but they love me so they’ll understand. But you see what happens when a person quits smoking? Physically I feel okay; mentally I feel like slapping the next person who smiles at me. I won’t do it, but I still feel like doing it. What’s funny, though, is that I wasn’t feeling this way all day long. I was laughing and joking; having a great day. Then the sun went down and I got cranky. Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with lack of nicotine. Maybe it’s lack of sunlight. Perhaps I'll expand on that more in tomorrow's engry; perhaps not. In any case, I feel I’ve vented enough for now so I’ll go and let you folks (if there are more than one) go back to doing whatever it is you usually do. Until tomorrow…peace to all.

NtT - Day Four

It’s late and I should already be sleeping; or in bed watching T.V. I got home from my meeting, got the kids ready for bed, and started laying out tonight’s blog. Then the phone rang, twice; I had email to check; and Facebook posts to make. Finally I’m getting back to the blog.

Tonight I went to the parenting group I’ve been attending since Dolly was a month old. It’s called PACT and it’s at the Child Abuse Prevention Association (CAPA) every Thursday night for two hours. The kids go into their group where they learn about life lessons and responsibilities (e.g. manners, dealing with bullies, water safety, just to name a few). We adults go into our group and spend one hour on an educational piece – most times it’s parenting skills and techniques, sometimes issues like stress management and other coping skills. Usually it’s a facilitator, a few interns, and parents like me – generally averaging somewhere around 20 people altogether. Last week we had only six parents and four interns so the educational piece was put off for the night and we just had group discussion. Anyway, the educational piece was smoking cessation. Go figure.

When I told them I’d quit three days prior, they were all really proud and excited for me. Yea me!! Then, tonight they asked me if I was still nicotine free so I explained about last Friday and what happened with my meltdown and all of that. They were very understanding because they know I don’t have any support locally (they’re social workers so I can’t call them at home for support; you understand, I’m sure). They thought it was really cool when I explained that I quit again this past Monday but was doing much better and had even been blogging more to be able to vent without bothering anyone. They thought it was a great idea when I explained about getting the idea from the movie and just putting the whole ordeal out there for anyone to read. I don’t have a lot of followers, three I think is my count, but that’s okay. The three are my friends and I love them all; and it’s nice to be able to say whatever I want and they’ll understand. Even if they didn’t, that’d be okay, too. What’s the point of blogging if I’ve got to get everyone’s approval on what I say, right? Exactly, you get my point.

In any case, while I was in the middle of my yoga this morning, my phone rang and it was a quit coach from the Quit Line I mentioned in another post. I didn’t answer the phone, of course, because I was busy, but she left a message that I could call them, blah, blah, blah; and I just totally lost my train of thought as to where I was going with this. I really can’t stand when that happens. Oh yea, got it, I’m back on track. The quit coaches are there to help us and give us phone support during our quitting attempts. I’d rather talk to a friend because I know my friends and they know me. I don’t have to worry about offending anyone if the “F” word slips once, or a hundred times, during the conversation; and I don’t have to worry about being judged by my friends. That’s beside the point; again I’m getting sidetracked.

When the quit coach called me last week, she asked me to give her the reasons I want to quit smoking and I said that, aside from the obvious health reasons, I was tired of being a slave to the cigarettes. I couldn’t leave my house without making sure I had my cigarettes and lighter with me. I had to always make sure I had enough to get me through to the next morning if I was running low and sometimes had to ration them. I’d have six left and it was only 10:00 p.m. How was I going to make it until tomorrow without any cigs? I’d make them last and run to the gas station first thing after I dropped the boys at school the next day.

I was also paranoid that I was going to burn down the house at night. I’m the type of person who actually made sure the cigarette was out in the ashtray. I’d take my finger and feel the tip if need be; then I’d empty the ashtray after every four or five cigarettes anyway, and I’d empty it in the toilet. How much more “out” can a cigarette be? Still, I was really paranoid that I’d go to sleep and that the very last cig I’d put out that night – the only one in the ashtray – would magically light itself up again and catch something on fire destroying everything my kids and I owned. Never mind the facts that it was in the middle of a glass ashtray, alone, and too far away from anything to actually start a fire even if it had the smallest of embers still going. Logically speaking, it would burn itself out at the filter, or, with the way cigarettes are made now, it would automatically stop burning if I didn’t drag on it. I can’t imagine how I didn’t go insane with that attitude, or, at the very least, attempt to quit sooner so I could stop living with that state of mind. I don’t know. Hopefully, now I’m done with it for good and I can relax a bit. I do know that I need to relax right now, in this moment.

Even though I’m not feeling as bad physically as I did last week when I tried to quit, I’m still not sleeping well, although not as badly as the first time. Then, I was waking every hour, 45 minutes, hour-and-a-half, whatever. Now, though, it’s every couple of hours; maybe twice a night. Better, but not great – yet. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get to sleep in a bit. The kids are out of school for the day because of a Teacher Work Day so I’m already off schedule. I’ve been thinking it’s Friday even though we’re doing Thursday things. I’m just going to have to keep to my regular Friday schedule as best as I can, with the boys around, so I don’t go insane again and go buy a pack of butts. I don’t think I can do the whole quitting thing all over again next week; I just want to make it through the weekend without incident. For now, I’m off to bed. Until tomorrow…peace to all.

NtT - Day Three

Day three is over, thank goodness. I’m still feeling fine physically, but I’m cranky as all get out. It doesn’t matter what it is, I’m irritated by it. I also want to cry at the drop of a hat. The same thing happened last week, yet, when I smoked over the weekend, those feelings were gone. What gives? I can’t take feeling like this; I hope it doesn’t last too much longer, I may alienate all my friends.

After Dolly got on her school bus, I came back in the house and sat down at the computer. Not too long after that, Joe called me to chat and we started discussing the problems with the kids and the fact that they don’t take well to discipline. Joe was giving me advice and suddenly I didn’t want it; I just wanted him to shut up and understand where I sit in this whole thing. I was yelling at him and crying at the same time. I just didn’t want to hear him talking any more and giving me advice when he’s never been in the same position I’m in right now. He understood, though, and didn’t take offense.

When we hung up the phone, I went to sit on the sofa to relax a bit and began sobbing; for almost a half hour. I couldn’t stop and probably went through half a roll of toilet paper just blowing my nose. (I don’t keep tissues in the house because the kids waste them.) I cried until I was even more exhausted than when I started. Did it do much good? I don’t think so. I fell asleep for about a half hour and had to get up because the boys were going to be home from school within fifteen minutes. Once they got home, however relaxed I was, my stress level rose rapidly because Zach was upset that he wasn’t going to get a special snack today. I don’t understand why they feel that I have to buy them something special every single time I walk out the door. Whatever, I just wanted him to stop talking right then. Just the sound of his voice was irritating me. I know that sounds bad, but this is how I’ve been feeling since I haven’t had a cigarette.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I actually didn’t feel like my kids were little nuisances. I sometimes wonder if it’s worth quitting; when I feel like I can’t control my emotions and just want everyone to leave me alone. That can’t happen with kids; I know that, but that doesn’t stop the feelings from creeping up on me. I feel bad for my kids because they don’t really understand what’s going on; all they know is that mom is cranky right now. It doesn’t help that they’re cranky too because they don’t get their way whenever they want it. This is part of the problem we’ve been having. Our energies, at this point, are feeding off of one another. They’re cranky so that’s making me cranky; and my crankiness is flowing back on them: it’s just a vicious cycle right now. Tonight I was doing yoga and just getting into relaxing when Dolly got out of bed for no reason whatsoever other than to see what I was doing.

My relaxed state turned to irritation immediately. Not only was I annoyed that she was out of bed, but I was annoyed that she wasn’t following the rules, and I was annoyed that she was infringing on my alone time. I had to start the yoga from the beginning again; it was on OnDemand so it wasn’t too hard, but that’s not the point. The point is that I should be able to have my time to myself every night after they go to bed. They don’t stay in bed, however, so I don’t get all that much time to myself. We’re working on that, though.

In any case, have you noticed that my posts are becoming more rambling than actual composing? That’s pretty much because I just feel the need to vent and don’t have anyone here to listen to me. That’s why I chose blogging to help me through this round of my nicotine cessation attempt. So far it’s working. I do think about having a cigarette every now and then, especially when tensions run high, but I talk myself out of it and find something else to do. With some really strong will power, I should get through this with flying colors. Fingers crossed. Now, though, I’m off to bed to finish watching the movie I’ve only started and stopped three times today because of interruptions. Tonight I’ll probably fall asleep during it and will have to finish it when Dolly goes to school in the morning. Until tomorrow…peace to all.

NtT - Day Two

Day two without nicotine is just about closed. I’m feeling fine physically, no chest pain or dizziness like I had last week when I tried to quit. That’s a plus, I guess. But I’m still not sleeping well. Last night I woke up at about 3:15 and lay in bed for a while before I fell back to sleep. I’m wondering if tonight will bring more frequent sleep disturbances. I really hope not, but I can’t stop it if it does happen.

I did pretty well with my eating today. I ate on schedule and I ate properly, no overindulging in the no-no foods. I also did my yoga this morning, and I was jogging on the rebounder this evening when one of the springs broke. I’d made it past the half-hour mark so I wasn’t too annoyed by it. Now, though, I have to find a place that sells rebounder replacement springs before I can continue. In the meantime I’ll have to find a different type of exercise to keep my metabolism going; something that will help to keep my stress level down and won’t irritate me. I get enough of that from everything else around me.

I’m trying to quit smoking, trying to lose weight, trying to get my kids back on track, and trying to get things lined up to move to the D.C. metro area this summer (which consists of lots of small elements). Other than the not smoking and weight loss issues, I’m basically waiting on others to respond to me before I can move forward. I know I can’t control what other people do but it doesn’t help my stress level when I can’t just jump in and help myself. I did some Mindfulness exercises today, and will try to meditate tonight just to clear my head and get myself realigned. It’s a must for me just so I don’t run out and buy a pack of cigarettes to cut the edginess I’m feeling. The fact that I’m bored isn’t helping much either.

Since the kids’ school schedules are staggered, I have no time during the day to work so I’m at home all day, every day, unless I have errands to run, of course. There are only so many times I can clean the house and only so much laundry I can do. If I try to read I fall asleep, the same happens when I watch television. I don’t have the patience for arts and crafts projects (not that I’m artistically inclined anyway), and I’m not going to do any baking; I don’t need it and the kids would only eat baked goods if I let them. Carrots, broccoli, what? What are they? I don’t know; I guess I’ll think of something to occupy my time. Suggestions would be appreciated.

For tonight, though, I’ll have to be content playing Scrabble on Pogo.com and just listening to the television in the background. It’s not even 10:00 yet so I can’t go to sleep. If I did and I actually slept through the night, I’d wake up around 4:00 a.m. That can’t happen. So, off I go to play a couple of video games and expand my mind learning new words I never knew existed. Until tomorrow…peace to all.

NtT - Day One

My first day of nicotine cessation did not start out at all the way I’d hoped it would. I signed off last night at around 10:30 p.m. and went to bed. Lettie, my four-year-old daughter (I will refer to her as Dolly most of the time as it’s the only thing I’ve called her for almost two years now) would not go to sleep. Apparently the nap she’d taken earlier in the day worked too well and she wasn’t tired. I was exhausted, though, and needed to get some rest. She finally fell asleep around midnight, and so did I. Then, a short while later I heard Zach, my six year old, in the bathroom getting sick. He only got sick the one time but, according to school rules, he can’t go to school until he’s illness free for 24 hours; so he’d be home with me all day today.

I finally got back to sleep somewhere around 2:30 a.m. and my alarm woke me at 6:15. Never one to linger in bed, I got up and began my morning wake-up ritual. I was tired, so tired. I wanted a cigarette to help me wake up. I don’t do coffee so my cigs are all I have; but I don’t even have them any more. No cigs, what to do? Okay, I did it last week, I can do it again. Tyler, my eight year old, was already downstairs when I got down here, followed by Dolly. Ty was already dressed for school and waiting for time to leave. I left Zach asleep in my room while Dolly and I took Ty to school at 7:10, a whopping five-minute drive, round trip. When we got back, I made her some chocolate milk and me some Carnation Instant Breakfast. I don’t usually eat breakfast or lunch so this helps me get the nutrition I need, plus it gets my metabolism going first thing and makes weight loss easier.

I finished what I was doing on the computer and went to the sofa to watch television with Dolly. She doesn’t get on her bus to pre-school until 11:40 so we had a few hours to kill. I figured it would be a great time for me to sneak in a nap. She and I lay down on the sofa to watch kids’ shows, and, before I knew it, she was asleep. Great, now I only needed to relax enough to sleep. Just as I began to doze, Zach came walking down the stairs. He grabbed a pillow and the remote, and lay down at the other end of the sofa, realizing that I wanted to sleep a little. However, as most young children do when their parents are trying to rest, he just kept talking. Shortly thereafter Dolly was awake again and they both wanted to eat. Needless to say, I didn’t get my nap; nor did I get to do much of anything else I needed to do today.

I wasn’t really having any nicotine cravings; and I was doing fine with my eating. I’d had the breakfast drink and, a while later, some sunflower seeds, the kind still in the shells. I like those best because they take longer to eat since I can only eat one at a time. My ashtray has now become my seed receptacle. After a while I give up on eating them simply because I can’t get anything done what with whole sunflower seed process: load one in mouth, crack shell, eat seed, remove shell, re-load mouth. It’s too much sometimes but I do get a small snack out of it. After I put Dolly on the bus I made myself a couple pieces of low-fat/low-salt lunch meat – ham and turkey – in a pita pocket. Filling enough especially with a big glass of water. Then I wanted to try to relax again. Zach wanted me to watch a movie with him so I did. I watched part of it and was just beginning to snooze when he said, “Mom, wake up and watch this, it’s almost over.” Again, so was my nap.

I didn’t get to do my yoga this morning, either. I usually do it after Dolly gets on the bus, but Zach was watching television in the living room; the only room with enough room for me to do yoga. So I skipped it for today. As the day went on I basically sat at the computer doing whatever I could with the constant Zach interruptions. He played a video game for a while, so I played on the computer. When Ty came home, he’d brought Zach’s work home too so they both had something to do for a while. Then the fighting between the boys started and my stress level started to climb. It was already slightly elevated because my schedule was changed by having Zach home but I’d handled it. Now it was climbing. Breathe in, breathe out…breathe in, breathe out…I wanted a cigarette at that point, but I didn’t have any!! I just put my head in my hands and breathed; and breathed; and breathed.

The day wore on, all three kids were home; dinner time came and went, bed time arrived and all Hell broke loose. Nobody wanted to come in from outside, nobody wanted to get ready for bed, Dolly wanted a snack, Zach wanted to sleep in my room, Ty wanted to control the boys’ T.V. set…on and on it went. I just needed a release. I finally got everyone calmed down enough to stay in bed and I pulled out my rebounder. I only did a half hour on it tonight because the more I jogged/bounced, the more tired I seemed to get. That happened last week when I initially quit smoking so I was okay with it. Tomorrow it won’t be so bad.

In any case, I made it through day one without a cigarette, but, I will admit, even though I started the day off eating right, I did overeat a bit today. It’s hard for me not to when one, or all, of my kids is around. Whenever they eat, they want me to eat with them, even though I tell them I don’t want to. So I did great through the pita, but went a bit downhill afterward; nothing drastic, just more than I wanted. I did get some exercise in this evening, though, as I’ve already noted.

Tomorrow, day two, will be better to some extent. All the kids will be in school and I’ll be able to resume my usual schedule of exercise and eating habits. However, my withdrawal symptoms will probably be a little worse than they were today. I’m wondering if I’ll get a full night’s sleep tonight, and if the physical symptoms I had last week will return this time. We’ll see. Until tomorrow…peace to all.

Now's the Time

A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor to see about a pinched nerve in my right shoulder and arm. The diagnosis was carpal tunnel which my doctor said was basically a positional problem, meaning that the original irritation started when I slept “wrong” or turned the wrong way to accomplish a task, something to that effect, but that the continuation of the problem was due to stress. He gave me a prescription for a neuropathic pain reliever which I haven’t yet filled because I don’t like taking medications; I don’t even take a pain reliever for a headache. However, since I don’t have any health insurance, and the only real remedy for my ailment is physical therapy possibly followed by surgery, if absolutely necessary, the medication was the only thing he could prescribe at the time.

Additionally, he said that, given the amount of stress I’m under constantly, my two boys were sitting there fighting with each other during the exam, relaxation techniques might also help. I mentioned that I do meditate but hadn’t done it in a while; and that I had been doing yoga but stopped due to lack of time and ambition; that I wanted to start again but wanted a medical okay given the condition of my arm. Both of those, he said, would be beneficial in helping the nerve heal. He also said that my smoking wasn’t helping and gave me the number to the local Quit Line.

I did some thinking and decided that I’d just have to do more meditation since there’s nothing wrong with relaxing anyway. Who couldn’t use a few minutes every day to get rid of some stress? I’d also started using my rebounder every day for, at least, 30 minutes because the 15lbs I’d gained over the winter needed to go. Being able to do yoga again would be an added benefit because it helps burn fat and tone muscles. Since the doctor said it was okay, my weight loss would be back on track. The last issue was my smoking.

I’ve smoked a pack a day since I was 19 years old, have no idea why I even started, but know I need to quit for all the obvious reasons, and some not-so-obvious reasons. The question was, was I ready to quit? I decided that, yes, I was ready. I called the Quit Line, got some information, they sent me a quit package and two boxes of nicotine gum (another medication that I’m not willing to take). We set my quit date as April 19. So, the week before, I drastically cut down on my nicotine intake. I made one pack last me for two days, and my final pack, the one I smoked the weekend before the 19th, lasted me three days. I actually only had four cigarettes that Sunday. On Monday I was ready to quit. I tried but a friend who smokes came over and I took one from her – just a weak moment on my part. So my official quit date was the 20th. I went from noon on Monday through Thursday without having one cigarette and I felt like complete crap.

I couldn’t sleep: I’d go to sleep around 11:00 and awake 45 minutes later. I’d go back to sleep and awake an hour after that, and so on until my alarm woke me at 6:15 the next morning. This continued every night to the point that I was exhausted during the day. My chest hurt, I was dizzy and light-headed. All of this was normal for someone giving up the nicotine habit. I was doing fine with the cravings, not even really wanting a cigarette other than to make the crappy feelings stop. I wasn’t even worried about over eating as is sometimes said to happen. Since I was already trying to lose weight, I had all kinds of healthy snacks in the house and was eating small meals numerous times a day, which is suggested for proper weight loss and/or maintenance. My problem was the stress laid upon me by my children, my middle child, Zach, in particular.

Whether he’s going through a phase I don’t know, but his attitude lately sucks and I’m having difficulty handling it. Because of his negative behavior, his older brother and younger sister are acting out, probably to get the attention they’re missing when I’m concentrating on their brother. Regardless, the stress was phenomenal. I spoke with my parenting group to get advice, and with my counselor to get some new techniques I can use with him since the ones I’d been using seemed to be failing. However, it got so bad on Friday that I actually bought a pack of cigs just to take the edge off. I was really pissed at myself that I gave in so easily when I’d been doing so well, but, since I couldn’t get any time to myself to de-stress/decompress, I needed something to calm my nerves. Over this past weekend, I tried some of the new techniques with Zach and they seem to be working. My stress level has gone down drastically, although the regular kid stress is still there, so I decided that I’ll just have to quit smoking all over again and will use tomorrow, April 26th, as my final quit date.

Now the issue of support arises. I’ve got a couple of friends I can use for support, Ellen in MD, and Joe in NY, but they’re long distance (I’m in MO) and they can’t spend all of their time coaching me through my nicotine withdrawal so I have to come up with another method. How am I going to get through my days being able to let go of the stress and also being able to gripe and complain without taking up the time of my friends? Then I got an idea from a movie I’d see recently, “Julie and Julia.” Julie cooked her way through Julia Child’s cookbook, blogging the entire adventure. If she could do that, why couldn’t I use my blog to help me quit smoking and continue to lose weight while de-stressing at the same time? Of course, Julie gained a huge following which I know I won’t have but that’s okay. As long as I have a way to get through my irritations, stressful moments, and bad days, I’ll do what I have to do.

As I began writing this a little while ago, I had one cigarette left from the pack I bought and smoked it when I took “think breaks.” Now I’ve got no cigs left, and am ready to get back on track. So, starting tomorrow, I will be nicotine free and will get back on my exercise schedule: yoga in the mornings and the rebounder in the evenings after the kids are in bed. After I’m finished, I’ll jump on my blog and put down the day’s events as they happened, probably with a lot of griping and complaining, but also with some successful and happy moments; I'm sure they'll be much shorter than this one, also. With whatever support I get from this method, within a couple of months, I should be healthier and happier than I’ve been in a long time. Wish me luck. :)