NtT - Day Three

Day three is over, thank goodness. I’m still feeling fine physically, but I’m cranky as all get out. It doesn’t matter what it is, I’m irritated by it. I also want to cry at the drop of a hat. The same thing happened last week, yet, when I smoked over the weekend, those feelings were gone. What gives? I can’t take feeling like this; I hope it doesn’t last too much longer, I may alienate all my friends.

After Dolly got on her school bus, I came back in the house and sat down at the computer. Not too long after that, Joe called me to chat and we started discussing the problems with the kids and the fact that they don’t take well to discipline. Joe was giving me advice and suddenly I didn’t want it; I just wanted him to shut up and understand where I sit in this whole thing. I was yelling at him and crying at the same time. I just didn’t want to hear him talking any more and giving me advice when he’s never been in the same position I’m in right now. He understood, though, and didn’t take offense.

When we hung up the phone, I went to sit on the sofa to relax a bit and began sobbing; for almost a half hour. I couldn’t stop and probably went through half a roll of toilet paper just blowing my nose. (I don’t keep tissues in the house because the kids waste them.) I cried until I was even more exhausted than when I started. Did it do much good? I don’t think so. I fell asleep for about a half hour and had to get up because the boys were going to be home from school within fifteen minutes. Once they got home, however relaxed I was, my stress level rose rapidly because Zach was upset that he wasn’t going to get a special snack today. I don’t understand why they feel that I have to buy them something special every single time I walk out the door. Whatever, I just wanted him to stop talking right then. Just the sound of his voice was irritating me. I know that sounds bad, but this is how I’ve been feeling since I haven’t had a cigarette.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I actually didn’t feel like my kids were little nuisances. I sometimes wonder if it’s worth quitting; when I feel like I can’t control my emotions and just want everyone to leave me alone. That can’t happen with kids; I know that, but that doesn’t stop the feelings from creeping up on me. I feel bad for my kids because they don’t really understand what’s going on; all they know is that mom is cranky right now. It doesn’t help that they’re cranky too because they don’t get their way whenever they want it. This is part of the problem we’ve been having. Our energies, at this point, are feeding off of one another. They’re cranky so that’s making me cranky; and my crankiness is flowing back on them: it’s just a vicious cycle right now. Tonight I was doing yoga and just getting into relaxing when Dolly got out of bed for no reason whatsoever other than to see what I was doing.

My relaxed state turned to irritation immediately. Not only was I annoyed that she was out of bed, but I was annoyed that she wasn’t following the rules, and I was annoyed that she was infringing on my alone time. I had to start the yoga from the beginning again; it was on OnDemand so it wasn’t too hard, but that’s not the point. The point is that I should be able to have my time to myself every night after they go to bed. They don’t stay in bed, however, so I don’t get all that much time to myself. We’re working on that, though.

In any case, have you noticed that my posts are becoming more rambling than actual composing? That’s pretty much because I just feel the need to vent and don’t have anyone here to listen to me. That’s why I chose blogging to help me through this round of my nicotine cessation attempt. So far it’s working. I do think about having a cigarette every now and then, especially when tensions run high, but I talk myself out of it and find something else to do. With some really strong will power, I should get through this with flying colors. Fingers crossed. Now, though, I’m off to bed to finish watching the movie I’ve only started and stopped three times today because of interruptions. Tonight I’ll probably fall asleep during it and will have to finish it when Dolly goes to school in the morning. Until tomorrow…peace to all.