Breakdown of Family Rules

One of the serious drawbacks of shelter life is the breakdown of the family system. My family is still intact but any system I had to run my family is now gone – not completely, but that doesn’t seem too far away right now. When I had my own home I had chores for the kids to do and discipline tactics that I used that worked pretty well. I also had a schedule in my own home and control over what went on during the day. Now, in the shelter, all of that is gone.

The children don’t have chores here because they’re not allowed to do anything around the house. Sure, they have to help me keep our room clean but in a room that’s only about 12’ X 14’ and contains a set of twin beds, a trundle bed, and two dressers there isn’t a lot of space left over to be cleaned. When their dad moved to Indiana back in July I took all the bins from him that had the kids’ toys in them so that gave us even less space in our room. The bins are stackable and all sit against the walls but they still take up space. Very little floor space to be cleaned and their stuff all goes in the bins. Room cleaned. Done. That’s the end of their chores.

They can’t help cook because they’re not allowed to use the stove/oven or the microwave, although they’d love to be able to help me like they used to. They can’t help me prepare dinner because they’re not allowed to use knives for chopping and they’re not supposed to be in the fridges AT ALL. I shit you not. Even with me standing there I’m supposed to be the one going into the fridge for anything we need. They are allowed to help me with my daily chore but it’s not worth the effort. My chore, depending on the week, consists of either sweeping and mopping a common room floor and the kids don’t sweep all that well and can barely push the huge string mop; or cleaning the kitchen or one of the bathrooms and they’re not allowed to spray the cleaning chemicals so I have to do that anyway. Besides that, my morning chore is generally done after they go to school and my evening chore is done after they go to bed.

They used to have their own chores to do, when we had our own place, but those chores are now gone, out the window, long forgotten. That’s what happens when you live with people who don’t give their own kids chores, then we moved in here and there aren’t any for the kids – according to the rules. It really bugs me that they – the owners of the shelter and the ones who make the rules – don’t care that these children have lost what I worked so hard to teach them. There had to be a change in discipline too.

When I had my own place I used Love and Logic as much as possible. I can still use it here but it’s less effective because there is only so much I can take away from my kids. It used to be that I could give them choices and send them to their own rooms when they made a bad choice. The worst thing my kids had to face was the fact that Mom didn’t want to be around them for a while because of the bad choice they made. They’d get sent to their individual room or to my room if I wanted them to be completely alone. Can’t do that here because we’ve only got one room. Because the rules state that the kids have to be wherever I am I can’t even send them to a room where they’ll be separated from the rest of us because it’s not allowed.

I have nothing to take away from them as a discipline measure because they don’t have anything for me to take. Sure, I can take away TV but my kids don’t watch a lot of TV. They never did. Even staff here notices that my kids spend more time outside playing than any of the kids who’ve ever stayed here. I could take away the boys’ DSes but they’d only find something else to do. Dolly doesn’t even have a DS for me to take so that’s a moot point. I don’t hit my kids other than the occasional swat on the butt so that’s not even an option for me. I’m literally at a loss here. Staff and residents alike listen to Dolly throw her tantrums – and she screams LOUD – and they keep telling me that I have to be consistent with my discipline but I can’t get any more consistent with putting her in our room. It’s my only option!!

I can’t deny the kids trips or visits to special places because if I deny one, I have to deny all. Why? you may ask. I’ll tell you why. Because I can’t leave the site without the kids, at all, for any reason whatsoever. It’s fucking ridiculous. I have no friends here who can watch my kids for me and nobody in the shelter is allowed to babysit for me. The reason: “because if there’s an emergency, if something happens to them, you’re not here and we can’t be held responsible and neither can any of the other residents.” This dumbass rule has prevented me from working more, from running errands kid free, or doing anything I need to do without the kids in tow. It’s bullshit. If I need to run out to get a gallon of milk I have to get the kids ready, load them all into the van, run around the corner for the milk, and turn around and come back again – all within ten minutes. If I go, the kids go so denying them anything won’t work because we all have to suffer through the consequence of the kids’ actions.

So there is a serious lack of discipline in my family right now and I can’t stand it anymore. Their dad has created a whole slew of problems that the kids are trying to deal with and I can’t really do anything to help them. It breaks my heart but at the same time it raises my blood pressure because they take their shit out on me. Zach says it’s because I’m the only one here to take the brunt of their anger. They can’t talk to their dad about it because “we’re afraid of Dad. He might get mad at us and yell at us on the phone.” Sad, right? It is, but it’s true.

So chores are out the window, and discipline is out the window. I wonder what they’ll take away from my family structure next. I guess they figure if they make it hard on us we’ll get out of the shelter sooner but they don’t realize it’s not that easy. If it was I wouldn’t be here for six months already. It sucks and there’s nothing I can do about it but I’ll tell you about the housing bullshit another night. Tonight I just wanted to let you know that if you ever end up in a shelter due to circumstances beyond your control know that whatever responsibility you had instilled in your children will be gone and there won’t be any way for you to discipline them without always feeling that you have to walk on eggshells around staff. Residents will criticize you and talk about you behind your back simply because they can, and you’ll want to pull your hair out by the roots because you won’t have control over a damn thing. Oh, I know I’ll get my control back some day, it’s just a matter of time and then I can get my kids back on track the way they used to be. For now I’ll just have to bite my lip until it bleeds and deal with the bullshit that goes on here on a daily basis. Pleh…

Until next time…peace to all.