My friend Debi is a single mom of four kids; her sons are out on their own and her daughters live with her. For the past few years Debi has given house and home to other members of her family as well as friends who were going through rough times and had no place else to go. She never asked for anything from them while they lived with her because she knows what it's like to be in need since she's had a tough life herself.
Despite her many physical ailments Debi gave up her bedroom and her privacy to make room for these borders and has spent these years sleeping on the sofa, as uncomfortable as it was for her; and she used her meager income - money that barely supports herself and her daughters - to pay the increase in utilities and food costs that she incurred while she had these additional people living in her home.
She doesn't complain about it because it's something she chooses to do to help people who desperately needed the assistance. She just thinks that helping others is the right thing to do even when she doesn't have much to give. She's like me in that regard; I've been helped a lot over the past few years and I help others whenever I get the chance even if I don't have much to give. I'm not just referring to money; running errands, babysitting kids, a ride to an appointment, a night sitting at my house just to get out of their own, or even a 2:00am phone call because someone needs to talk. Every little bit helps and it's always appreciated.
Over the past month Debi has been in the process of moving. Due to circumstances beyond her control she can no longer stay in the house she's lived in for years and had to take whatever little savings she had to purchase a mobile home for her and her daughters. She also used some of it to purchase a used SUV because she didn't have a vehicle of her own and hasn't for years, again because of those same circumstances.
Right now she's trying to get her belongings moved into her new home but there are still numerous pieces of furniture she needs for her and her girls but she's low on funds. I've tried looking for places around the area she's in to see if I can find her some agencies like we have here in MO that will help single mothers get the things they need at little or no cost but I haven't found any yet. I know she'll get what she needs, I have no worries about that.
I'm telling you all of this for a reason, though. Debi emailed me today and told me a wonderful story that I just had to share. An acquaintance of Debi's, Sissy, a woman Debi has only met in person once, sent Debi a gift that made us both cry - it was a $200 gift card. Now that may not sound like much to you but to people like Debi and me it's a fortune. It was a wonderful surprise to Debi when she opened the package but at the same time she couldn't understand how Sissy, also a single mother with a meager income, could afford to send her such a gift. Surely Sissy didn't have that kind of money just lying around. How was she able to do it?
I'll tell you how. Sissy, who's had as a bad a life as both Debi and I have had, and her young son Dakota started a personal at-home fund a couple of years ago. They decided to take whatever loose change they collect throughout the year and put it in their individual piggy banks to create a Pay-It-Forward fund. At the end of the year they count up all their money and donate it to someone in need. Last year the money went toward food for the homeless; this year it went Debi and her daughters.
Sissy explained to Dakota that Debi is going through a rough time right now just like they'd gone through in the past. Dakota ran to his room, got his bank and said he wanted to donate the money to Debi this year. Sissy agreed so they dumped their piggy banks, counted the money, and purchased the gift card to be mailed to a friend in need. How awesome is that? Reading the story in Debi's email to me moved me to tears.
We hear about big companies donating money here or there all the time but we rarely hear of something like this; a mother and her son collecting change all year long to be able to help someone who really needs it when they themselves could probably use the money. It's amazing to me and it really restores my faith in people when I hear stories like this one. Unless you've been in situations like Debi, Sissy and I have you may not fully understand how such a gift can mean the world to someone.
Sissy and Dakota, you are two wonderfully special people to do what you do with your Pay-It-Forward fund and I wanted everyone to know about it. In a society where money and materialism seem to be at the forefront of everyone's lives you two have shown that you don't have to have a lot to be able to help another. Your generosity will come back to you in spades, no doubt.
Debi, you absolutely deserve this lovely gift. After all you've been through and done for others it's time for you and your girls to have a place of your own and for you to have some privacy in your own room. Sissy and Dakota's gift proves that. Enjoy it and know that everything will work itself out when it's supposed to and as it's supposed to be. I have no doubt there either.
It's not hard to do, folks, and it helps people who aren't in a position to help themselves right then. It doesn't matter how big or small the gesture, just know that whatever you do could help someone else in ways that you'll never know. Next time you do something for someone and they say, "Thanks, I owe you one," try responding with, "No need, please just pay it forward." Or the next time someone does something for you, pay it forward yourself; you'll be amazed at how good it makes you feel knowing you made someone's day. If you don't believe me, just ask Sissy and Dakota. :)
Until next time...peace to all.
I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted. Boy, has time flown. Guess that's what happens when I'm busy and the kids are out of school more than they're in it. The weekend of Presidents Day they had early release on Friday and were off on Monday, then this week we had a snow storm Thursday causing the schools to close Thursday and Friday - so over the past two weeks they've been in school six full days. Add the weekends in there and I feel like they've never left the house.
I love my kids but I work from home and that's hard to do with them running around the house playing, laughing, yelling, fighting, asking me for one thing or another... Most of my work is done on the computer but there are days, like yesterday, when I make a lot of phone calls and it's hard to sound professional with the noise of the kids behind me.
See, my work isn't something that can be scheduled. I work for an event planner and when she texts me that she needs something she usually needs it right away; it's not generally anything that can be put off "until tomorrow". For instance, yesterday she texted me that she needed glitter paper from two different suppliers and then she needed me to find women's black socks to be used as party favors for a party this weekend.
Some of the glitter paper and the 36 pairs of socks she needed in hand today so I had to call in the order for the paper and then search different companies to get the best pricing on the socks. A lot of online companies have a live chat that I try to use for asking questions but when it's a rush order I want to speak to someone whose voice I can hear. I must have called 15 different companies looking for black crew socks for women - I found out that most companies only sell white socks for women and none of them can explain why - but each time I picked up the phone three of the four kids here were making so much noise I almost had to yell at them to be heard.
My most-used line of the day was, "Yo! I'm on the phone. Please keep the noise down." I think I said it thirty-or-so times throughout the course of the day and it was getting frustrating. My kids don't understand that I get paid for the work I do at home and they really don't understand that the business world is not filled with the noise of children. If I worked in a school or daycare it might be different.
I dread the days when the kids will be home during the week simply because I don't know when I'll get a text from Ursula requesting something from me that has to be done ASAP. I feel bad for the kids that they have to either stay in their rooms or be completely silent in the living room and kitchen while I'm working, but I also need the extra money so the work has to be done. A lot of people think I'm being crass when I say that I don't want the kids home during the week but those are the same people who don't work from home so they don't know the difficulties I face.
I guess I better get used to the kids being here, though, with the end of school getting closer each day. They let out at the end of May and will go to summer school for June but I'll still have July and half of August when they'll be home all day every day. I'll just have to set some boundaries for when I'm working and we'll all have to adjust. Until then I may just make up a sign and hold it up when I need to - "Yo! I'm on the phone. Please keep the noise down." Do you think they'll get the hint?
Until next time...peace to all.
The kids went to Paul's last night and will be back home tomorrow night sometime. I spent last night watching TV by myself and spent the first part of today doing the same. I finally decided to get up and do a few things around the house that needed to be done. I've spent the last couple of weeks with my room and my daughter's room in disarray because I finally got a small dresser from a friend but all my stuff doesn't fit in it. Dolly asked if she and I could swap her dresser for my standing shelves and I agreed but I just haven't gotten it done - until today.
It was hard and the pieces were heavy but I got it done. I put the shelves in her room along with the bookshelf that had been in my room and I took her taller dresser. I replaced her small TV with a larger one that Paul, my ex, had given me for her but it was too big for the small wall unit she had in her room so I put it on her other dresser and removed the wall unit from her room and even dragged it all the way to the basement to use for storage down there. Her small TV is sitting in the corner of my living room until I can put it on Craigslist.
My room is finally cleaned up and everything in, sort of, a place where it belongs and I can actually walk through it without having to step over books and piles of clothing. I just need to borrow a vacuum cleaner from a neighbor to do my bedroom carpet. My room is the only one with carpet and my vacuum broke before we moved back in 2010 so I haven't replaced it. I just keep borrowing someone else's. Eventually I'll get a small vacuum to keep here.
All the work today only took me about 4 1/2 hours but it was hard and my back is really sore right now from all the lifting and dragging of furniture but it was worth it. Two rooms are livable again. Tomorrow I'll do the boys' room and do the laundry which won't help my back but at least everything will be done. There isn't any furniture to move in the boys' room, it just needs a really good cleaning and some organization.
I'm sidestepping, though. Once I got done with the chores today I showered, fed the cats and walked across the street to the QuikTrip to get a soda and a couple of hot dogs. I was starving and didn't feel like cooking anything. When I got home I added about two shots of vodka to my 52oz soda just to relax a bit and ate the hot dogs in about ten minutes flat. I'd only had a bowl of oatmeal this morning so I was really hungry.
I'm sidestepping, again. Why? Because the only human being I've spoken to today is the guy at QuikTrip and I'm lonely and bored. I was actually lonely last night about two hours after the kids left but tonight it seems to be worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying my time alone and all the peace and quiet but I'm still lonely.
I could call a friend but that would break the silence. Yes, I have the TV on but that's not the same a talking to someone; I don't have to say anything to watch a movie. It would be nice, though, to have someone here watching the movies with me, without speaking, of course. I don't like talking when I'm watching a movie; and nobody is allowed to talk when "Supernatural" is on on Wednesday nights. I actually tell that to anyone who calls or texts during the show, and my kids know it's a rule for me.
Anyway, I'm sitting here by myself, having finished watching one movie, just finishing watching another, and preparing to watch a third. Then I'll go upstairs to bed, still lonely and wake up tomorrow to do the rest of my chores. Then the kids will be home in the evening and I won't be lonely anymore. The noise will resume, the chaos will start and life as I know it will be back to the way it's supposed to be. In two weeks they'll go back to their dad's and I'll be sitting here, alone again - naturally.
Until next time...peace to all.
Last night I was talking about teaching my kids the lesson of not eating just because they're bored and I how proud I am of them for actually understanding the meaning behind the "rule." Then I sidetracked about their dad and how he doesn't make them eat all that healthy when they're with him and that there is another subject that I'm having trouble handling with the boys because of their dad. That's the subject of dating, one topic of which I'm sure we're all quite knowledgeable.
Since my boys were able to ask questions I've always answered them honestly yet with age-appropriate answers. I won't lie to them about anything because I don't think that's fair to them. Regardless, it doesn't seem to matter what answers I give them about dating - when they're older - they don't seem to get the gist of what I'm telling them because of the history of their dad's dating reputation.
When they boys were about seven and six I believe it was Ty who told me he couldn't wait to get older because he was going to have a wife and a girlfriend, and he was very excited about the prospect. I nixed that idea right away telling him that he was never to have two relationships at the same time because it isn't proper or polite and a lot of people would end up getting hurt. He said it had to be okay because "Dad had you as a wife and 'J' as a girlfriend at the same time." I told him he was right about what his dad did but where was his dad at that point in time? Ty said his dad was gone, "He doesn't live here anymore." I told Ty that the fact that he had a girlfriend while he was married to me was just one of the reasons their dad didn't live with us anymore so having the two relationships wasn't the correct thing to do; you don't start a second one until you've ended the first one. Both boys were listening when I explained it but I'm not sure either of them truly believed me.
Since their dad and I split up back in 2005 he's been in four different long-term relationships, possibly five but I can't prove the fifth. In each relationship he'd barely been dating the woman when they decided to live together - mostly because my ex couldn't afford his own bills and needed the second income in the household. He'd say differently but I know the truth because I know him better than he knows himself.
Presently he's, sort of, dating two different women who he claims are just friends of his but he invites them over when he's got our kids there. On one occasion the kids were watching TV in the living room while their dad and his 'friend' went into the bedroom for a while, with the door closed. Ahem... Of course the kids told me this and then proceeded to ask me questions about what the adults had been doing in the bedroom with the door closed, so I told them.
This is the example he's setting for his kids and I don't like it but there's nothing I can do about it. It's his home and I can't control him. When I mentioned to him that having his 'friends' over while he was supposed to be spending time with the kids he said the kids asked him to invite the women over. He'll never take responsibility for his own actions so the best thing to do is blame it on the kids. Again, I can't control that.
I'm just really not happy with him jumping from one relationship to the next, sometimes not being finished with the first before moving into the next, and other times not having met the woman in person - think Internet dating - before deciding to move in with here. How am I supposed to teach my children the way dating is supposed to happen when their dad breaks all the rules at every turn? I don't want them to think badly of their dad but I'm constantly telling them that their dad's making another bad choice when they ask why he's doing this or that.
I don't date so it's hard for me to show by example how dating works; and even if I was dating my dates wouldn't be introduced to my kids until I was sure the relationship had some sort of stamina. I don't think it's fair to constantly bring different men into my home who are there and then gone again. My mother did that when my sister and I were growing up and it confused the shit out of me. One week she was dating guy A then the next week she was dating guy B then she'd be married to guy C and we suddenly had to start calling a stranger daddy.
I won't do that to my kids and I don't think it's fair of my ex to do that to them either. Since I can't control what he does and who he is I'm at a loss as to how to drum the concept of proper dating into my boys' heads so they won't treat women like objects rather than people. My ex's attitude is that it's okay to take the boys to their first strip club for their 16th birthdays and that "they're gonna get more ass than a toilet seat when they're older." Funny? Perhaps to some. Not to me but I don't know how to get the boys to listen to me and not pick up their dad's habits and attitudes about women.
I've already told them that if I find out they've cheated on their girlfriends I'll rat them out and smack them in the head at the same time. I've also told them that if I ever find out they've hit a girlfriend I'll call the police on them and beat the shit out of them while I wait for the police to arrive. They believe me on those points but I also think the boys think it's funny at the same time. I need some good solid suggestions to help me instill decent values in them about dating so that they won't end up like their dad. Help please, and thanks.
Until next time...peace to all.
It's always nice when my kids say something that lets me know that I've taught them something of value. I was sitting on the sofa yesterday working and Ty was watching TV next to me when a commercial came on for a cup you can use to make homemade ice cream in minutes. I'd seen the commercial before but had never really paid attention to it until Ty mentioned something that one of the kids in the commercial said; next time it came on I paid attention.
The commercial starts off with a three or four different kids complaining: "There's nothing to eat;" "I want something sweet;" "I'm bored." Then the voice over comes on and tells parents to give their kids something to do by letting them make their own ice cream. That's when Ty spoke up, Zach and Dolly concurred, and all three made me take notice. "Oh, sure! Your kid complains that he's bored so you give him something to eat. That's not right." For all the times they tell me they don't remember me saying this or that they definitely remembered that one thing. Don't eat just because you're bored.
I've spent years trying to get it through to my kids that they don't need to run to the kitchen for a snack just because they have nothing to do. They've asked what to do instead and I've given them suggestions; some they liked and some they didn't but they still got the message. Occasionally Zach and Dolly still whine that they're hungry when they're bored but we find something else to do instead and they get over it.
They've asked why they're not supposed to eat when they're bored and I've explained that it's unhealthy and will put them on the road to bad habits. We know way too many people who are severely overweight and I've told them that most of the people we know eat just for the sake of something to do. I've told my kids that they're supposed to eat when they're hungry and if they need a snack at some point I've told them what's healthy and what's not. They're getting the message, I just wish I could get it through to their father now. He seems to always have junk in his house that the kids eat constantly while they're there and then they don't want to eat the healthy stuff I have here when they return.
I'm sidetracking, though. I was just really pleased to know that my kids caught the snag in the commercial that's actually giving kids the idea to eat when they're bored. It's sad, actually, that with all the crap in the news about overweight kids there are still companies that blatantly tell parents it's okay to give their kids a junk food snack when the kids feel they have nothing to do.
At least I know my kids have gotten the right idea. Even though they don't always like it they still understand the right thing to do to, at least, try and stay on the healthy track - when they're at home, anyway. I've been trying to tell them to ask their dad to buy fruits, crackers, cheeses and the like so they're not just eating crap the entire time they're at his house but I don't think they've done it yet. I may just have to suggest it to him myself since the doctor who did Zach's physical a couple of weeks ago spoke at length with me on the importance of my kids eating healthy. I can't force Paul to do what I suggest but I'll know I did my part to do what's right for our kids.
I'm sidetracking again, sorry. I just wanted to say how proud I am of my kids acknowledging the lesson they learned, and how proud I am of me for getting a positive message into my kids' heads. That one lesson lets me know that there are others they understand but can't admit to just yet because Mom can't always be right. I do know there's one that they're still having a problem understanding and I really need to get on it more and more with the boys getting older; it's the issue of dating and staying monogamous. With their dad as a role model it's kind of hard to make them understand certain issues but that's a different post. Perhaps tomorrow I'll get into that one because I certainly could use some advice on it.
For tonight, though, I'm just enjoying the high of having my kids admit that they've processed and understand one lesson that will, hopefully, stay with them for life. It may not be a big lesson in your mind but to me it's huge since their family on both the maternal and paternal sides seem to have a problem with what I call the "big butt syndrome". There are very few of us who are not obese and I'd like my kids to stay in that minority. So far, so good; and I'm proud of all of us.
Until next time...peace to all.
