Advice Needed for Boys Who Will be Men

Last night I was talking about teaching my kids  the lesson of not eating just because they're bored and I how proud I am of them for actually understanding the meaning behind the "rule." Then I sidetracked about their dad and how he doesn't make them eat all that healthy when they're with him and that there is another subject that I'm having trouble handling with the boys because of their dad. That's the subject of dating, one topic of which I'm sure we're all quite knowledgeable.

Since my boys were able to ask questions I've always answered them honestly yet with age-appropriate answers. I won't lie to them about anything because I don't think that's fair to them. Regardless, it doesn't seem to matter what answers I give them about dating - when they're older - they don't seem to get the gist of what I'm telling them because of the history of their dad's dating reputation.

When they boys were about seven and six I believe it was Ty who told me he couldn't wait to get older because he was going to have a wife and a girlfriend, and he was very excited about the prospect. I nixed that idea right away telling him that he was never to have two relationships at the same time because it isn't proper or polite and a lot of people would end up getting hurt. He said it had to be okay because "Dad had you as a wife and 'J' as a girlfriend at the same time." I told him he was right about what his dad did but where was his dad at that point in time? Ty said his dad was gone, "He doesn't live here anymore." I told Ty that the fact that he had a girlfriend while he was married to me was just one of the reasons their dad didn't live with us anymore so having the two relationships wasn't the correct thing to do; you don't start a second one until you've ended the first one. Both boys were listening when I explained it but I'm not sure either of them truly believed me.

Since their dad and I split up back in 2005 he's been in four different long-term relationships, possibly five but I can't prove the fifth. In each relationship he'd barely been dating the woman when they decided to live together - mostly because my ex couldn't afford his own bills and needed the second income in the household. He'd say differently but I know the truth because I know him better than he knows himself.

Presently he's, sort of, dating two different women who he claims are just friends of his but he invites them over when he's got our kids there. On one occasion the kids were watching TV in the living room while their dad and his 'friend' went into the bedroom for a while, with the door closed. Ahem... Of course the kids told me this and then proceeded to ask me questions about what the adults had been doing in the bedroom with the door closed, so I told them.

This is the example he's setting for his kids and I don't like it but there's nothing I can do about it. It's his home and I can't control him. When I mentioned to him that having his 'friends' over while he was supposed to be spending time with the kids he said the kids asked him to invite the women over. He'll never take responsibility for his own actions so the best thing to do is blame it on the kids. Again, I can't control that.

I'm just really not happy with him jumping from one relationship to the next, sometimes not being finished with the first before moving into the next, and other times not having met the woman in person - think Internet dating - before deciding to move in with here. How am I supposed to teach my children the way dating is supposed to happen when their dad breaks all the rules at every turn? I don't want them to think badly of their dad but I'm constantly telling them that their dad's making another bad choice when they ask why he's doing this or that.

I don't date so it's hard for me to show by example how dating works; and even if I was dating my dates wouldn't be introduced to my kids until I was sure the relationship had some sort of stamina. I don't think it's fair to constantly bring different men into my home who are there and then gone again. My mother did that when my sister and I were growing up and it confused the shit out of me. One week she was dating guy A then the next week she was dating guy B then she'd be married to guy C and we suddenly had to start calling a stranger daddy.

I won't do that to my kids and I don't think it's fair of my ex to do that to them either. Since I can't control what he does and who he is I'm at a loss as to how to drum the concept of proper dating into my boys' heads so they won't treat women like objects rather than people. My ex's attitude is that it's okay to take the boys to their first strip club for their 16th birthdays and that "they're gonna get more ass than a toilet seat when they're older." Funny? Perhaps to some. Not to me but I don't know how to get the boys to listen to me and not pick up their dad's habits and attitudes about women.

I've already told them that if I find out they've cheated on their girlfriends I'll rat them out and smack them in the head at the same time. I've also told them that if I ever find out they've hit a girlfriend I'll call the police on them and beat the shit out of them while I wait for the police to arrive. They believe me on those points but I also think the boys think it's funny at the same time. I need some good solid suggestions to help me instill decent values in them about dating so that they won't end up like their dad. Help please, and thanks.

Until next time...peace to all.