Two days ago I went out to do some errands. We needed a few things for the house so I went to my usual spot - Dollar General - where household items are pretty inexpensive. Among the items on my short list were bottles of hand soap for the bathrooms. Zach was with me and we went to the dollar section where we found apple cinnamon soap in pump bottles. I'm not too fond of food scents but it was mild so we got two bottles.
I brought my purchases home and put everything where it belonged. I took one bottle of the soap and put it in the downstairs bathroom. I needed to open it, though, because the kids wouldn't know how to do it. On pump bottles of soap, as you know, the pump needs to be released. In order to release it you have to either spin it clockwise or counter clockwise, whichever way it is for that particular bottle. One quick spin of the pump on my bottle and it was ready for action.
I put the other bottle of soap on the stairs so I'd remember to take it up later when I was heading in that direction. The kids don't often use the upstairs bathroom during the day so I wasn't in any rush to get it up there; there was bar soap in the tub if the kids needed it. The bottle could wait on the stairs for a while. I got lucky, though, and Dolly carried it up with her on one of her many trips to her room to get this toy or that.
When I finally made it upstairs later that evening to get comfy in my room I went into the bathroom and grabbed the unopened bottle of soap to release the pump. One quick spin of the pump on the bottle and... nothing. Huh? It didn't release. Oh. I'll try again. Another quick spin of the pump and... still nothing. What the fuck?! I was spinning it right? Yes, I was spinning it.
Shit! Maybe I was spinning it in the wrong direction. Okay. One quick spin in the opposite direction and... NOTHING!!! DAMN IT!! What was I doing wrong? The first bottle opened really easily. This one wanted to fight but I wasn't in the mood just then. Fuck it! I put it back on the counter and finished changing into my sweats so I could watch TV. I'd worry about the soap later. Nobody was going to use it immediately anyway.
Later in the evening I went to use the bathroom and after washing my hands with the bar soap from the tub I decided I needed to get the pump soap working. I was up to the challenge at that point. I spun the pump a few times in one direction and then in the other. It wasn't releasing. Seriously?! It's a fucking bottle of soap for crying out loud! Why wouldn't the pump release?
I closed the lid on the commode and sat down with the soap and spun it numerous time in each direction. Nothing. I searched the bottle for directions thinking I'd missed something. No directions on how to open it existed in that little tiny print that I could barely read. Hey, I don't wear my glasses all the time; I just did the best I could by moving the bottle further from and closer to my eyes until the words came into focus.
No instructions on the bottle, maybe there were instructions on the pump itself. I turned the bottle so I could see the top and, when I held it at a certain angle, I could barely make out a small white arrow and the word "Open" in white stamped on the white pump. How the fuck do manufacturers think we can read white on white, especially when the printing is so small? Someone needs to fix that. Anyway, I was turning the pump in the correct direction but it wasn't releasing. Why not? Hmmm...
I removed the entire pump from the bottle thinking there was a release mechanism underneath that wasn't catching. Nope, nothing. I did get soap all over my hands, though, which made it all that more difficult to keep the fucking pump in my grip. Grrr... I kept spinning it and staring at it trying to figure out why it wouldn't open. I didn't see anything wrong. I was spinning the pump and the whole gadget - the straw-like part inside the bottle - was spinning with it. Was that supposed to happen?
Now I was thinking. If the pump is supposed to spin to release then the rest of the contraption would have to remain stationary. Right? That made sense. Okay. So between the pump and the bottle cap is a little collar that I noticed was also spinning along with the pump. Maybe if I held that still and spun the pump it would release. I tried but it was too fucking narrow for me to get a good grip on it with my fingers. How was I supposed to hold it still while spinning the pump? Think... think... think...
Would pliers work? Let's find out, shall we? I went downstairs to the kitchen with my pump bottle of soap that refused to release. I dug through my tool drawer for my pliers. First I had to get past the kitchen towels that somebody had just shoved in there rather than folding them. Then I had to dig through all the other tools and hardware... a box of nails, a hammer, my snips, pliers! YAY! Shit! Those are needle nose. I didn't want those. Where the fuck are my regular pliers? AHA!! Victory! All the way in the back and on the bottom of the drawer.
I grabbed the pliers, very carefully opened them, gently wrapped them around the collar of the soap bottle and gave a soft squeeze to hold the collar still. I gave the pump a quick spin with my free hand and - HOLY SHIT - it released!!! DAMN!! I couldn't believe it. Almost an hour of messing with this fucking thing and it finally opened. It's a bottle of soap and I ought not have to spend this much time with it, we're not that friendly.
I put my pliers away and was glowing in my victory as I took the now-opened bottle of soap back upstairs to the bathroom. I carefully placed it on the side of the sink where it now sits ready for anyone who needs it to partake of its contents. It wanted a fight and I was not about to give in - not now, not ever. I will take on any challenge as it's presented to me - and that includes pump bottles of soap. And I will always win!!
Until next time... peace to all.
My favorite day of the year - December 26th. Christmas is over and I can de-stress and decompress and all that other stuff I need to do to settle my nerves. Santa was good to my kids yesterday, they all enjoyed their gifts and had a lot of fun. They even enjoyed the dinner they chose - mini-corndogs and French fries with Italian ices for dessert. Hey, I cooked big on Thanksgiving, I'm not doing it again on Christmas. It's just the kids and me so it doesn't really matter what we eat, right? Right.
I took my tree down an hour ago and replaced the table that I'd moved upstairs for the past month to make room for the tree. All decorations are put away and you'd never know Christmas was yesterday in my home. I really don't like the holiday, or any holidays for that matter - except New Year's Eve - but I think people think I'm kidding when I say it. I'm not kidding. I don't like holidays that dictate that I have to buy gifts for the people I love, especially since I buy gifts when I feel like it, all year 'round.
We all had a good day over here but I'm glad it's over and now I can concentrate on other things, like getting a more beneficial job. I love working with Ursula but the work is spotty and it doesn't pay my bills. I have an appointment with the Employment Council in a couple of weeks so maybe something will come of that but I'm not going to stress over it. I'm done stressing over anything because it's not worth my time and energy. The only thing I'm going to do it stay as positive as I can and imagine what my future is going to be like so the Universe will deliver it faster.
I already had a couple of good things happen today because I've calmed down from all the holiday drama so I'm going to do my best to focus on that positive feeling. New Year's Eve, my favorite holiday, is next week and I'm looking forward to it. I don't make resolutions and I don't go out to celebrate; I sit at home with the kids snacking and watching TV, and I can wipe this year clean and start fresh next year. 2014 promises to be a great year for me because I said so; and I'll make it happen - just watch me.
I'm not going to let other people's problems get in my way, either. I did that too much this year and it took too much of my time and energy. Whenever I stopped concentrating on their negative and focused on my positive the good began to flow again for me. I'm going to keep the good stuff flowing the best I can in this coming year. I've actually already started.
That creepy girl who's always begging for rides came to my door yesterday asking if she could talk to me. I flat out told her no and then she asked if she could borrow my lighter. I lent it to her, got it back, and closed the door on her. Paul told me yesterday that he and his girlfriend are officially moving in together next week, they rented a place together, and I don't care. Their drama is due to start as soon as he feels comfortable and I'm staying out of it completely this time. I was pulled into the middle of it more than I liked this year but that stops, too. He's on his own.
I've started speaking my mind to people lately, too, rather than worrying about whether or not they would get upset with me. I've done it with Paul, with that car-ride girl, with my nephew, and a few other people. My friend Sylvia told me the other day that she doesn't know what I did with the old Beth but she really likes the moxie of this new Beth. I have to agree. I feel so much better knowing that I'm in control of me and my life and that I don't have to let others intrude on me.
As Esther Hicks says, "Do what feels better," and that's what's happening with me. I'm doing and saying what feels better for me, for my kids, and for our lives and anyone who doesn't like it can kick rocks. If all you're going to do is try to bring me down I don't need you, I don't want you, and I have no problem pushing you away. If you don't believe me, just give it a shot. I promise you I'll win.
Until next time... peace to all.
Looks like we've come full circle yet again. My ex has a new woman in his life, the second one since August when he was arrested for domestic violence with his then-girlfriend. The one immediately following her only lasted about two weeks and this current one seems to be moving along according to schedule. His behavior is right on schedule, too.
See, whenever he's between women he's overly nice to me, polite, tries to make jokes, chats about the kids, and all that. When he's got a woman and she's in his life on a regular basis he turns into a complete shit toward me and that's where we are now. This most recent girlfriend of his is allowing him to stay with her 'for a few days' as of about a week ago. According to my ex, the dude who lives in the apartment above his had a fire last week and, since the apartments are connected, the plumbing and electric in both are messed up so he can't stay in his apartment.
Convenient, right? Now he has an excuse to live with her and her kids and she's buying into it. He also told me the other day that they opened a joint bank account together. Seems he's having problems with his account since all the bogus loan scam bullshit took place and he needed to open a new one. That's his story anyway. My theory is that he overdrew his account again and can't get it back on track. Not my problem and I don't care.
Since he's been 'staying' with her, though, he's gone back to his usual I'm-going-to-show-my-new-woman-what-a-shit-my-ex-wife-is-and-what-a-tough-guy-I-am attitude. As soon as something doesn't go his way he takes it out on me and starts yelling and screaming and sending rude texts so he can convince her that I'm an asshole and he has to put up with my crap. It never fails, it's part of his relationship cycle.
Just last Friday he was being all nice to me and wanting to give me all kinds of information about what's going on with his job search and all that crap, as if I give a shit. As of yesterday he got angry because he never got copies of the court papers from when I applied for sole custody of the kids and supervised visitation for him. He started yelling via text and then called me and started screaming that I never sent him a copy of the papers. It's not my job to take care of him and I told him so; I told him to call the courthouse and ask for the paperwork. He didn't like that and as soon as he called me an asshole I hung up on him so he started texting again.
He was getting belligerent and rude and I could tell he was shitfaced and that his girlfriend was there or he wouldn't have been putting on a show. His texts made no sense whatsoever and he couldn't even answer questions with coherent thoughts. He got angry when I accused him of being drunk and when I asked if sweetie pie was there. Guess what! I don't give a shit. Both were true - I knew it and he knew it. I finally just stopped texting and laughed about the whole thing.
Today he started, yet again, with his bullshit of asking for the names of the kids' teachers and their school ID numbers. He does it with every new girlfriend to try and show girlfriend what a good daddy he is. Yeah, okay. I gave him the names of the teachers but the ID numbers are for the kids to use to pay for lunch. He doesn't need those and I told him so. I got his standard "Yup" in response. Fuck him!
Over the weekend he was asking about Dolly's school concert tonight, saying he wanted to be there, blah, blah, blah. He never showed, not even a text to say he wouldn't make it. He did claim to have a job interview about 4:00, I think, so I figured he'd use that as an excuse not to go to the concert. Not like it really mattered because Dolly didn't want him there anyway.
It's been just about a month since I got the court papers changed and he hasn't tried to schedule one visit with the kids through the program we're using for the supervised visitation. He claims that the girl who works there hasn't returned his calls for two weeks. She called me Sunday and said she's been calling him but he doesn't answer his phone. Her I believe. Another theory of mine is that he's avoiding the visitation and blaming it on the girl at the program not getting back to him. I mean, why would he want to waste gas to drive over an hour just to see his kids for an hour? Any regular father would, not this one. Any excuse to get out of it.
He doesn't like the fact that he has to have the supervised visitation - claims it was my idea and the fact that Children's Division was called on him twice has nothing to do with it, nor does his behavior over the past 12 years. He's not comfortable with supervised visitation and it's not what he wants - so he's going to pout about it rather than doing the right thing. Again - fuck him!
Like I said, we're back to the beginning again and I am really getting tired of it. I have to start documenting shit all over again - I keep all of his texts - and I have to deal with his bullying and abusive attitude. Not that I have to deal with it but I have to spend my time constantly hanging up on him or dismissing him via text. It gets exhausting, it really does. If I could snap my fingers and make it, or him, just go away I would, I don't have that option, though.
I have to just keep moving forward like I always do and wait till this relationship ends just to have it begin again with the next woman in his life. It's a really good thing I have a sense of humor. I spend a lot of time laughing at him; so much time, in fact, that there are days when I feel like the Joker, a wide-ass stupid grin on my face all day because of his stupidity. Then there are days when I'm just mentally exhausted because I know what's coming next and just have to wait for it to come into play. Yesterday, today, and now there will be more tomorrow. I guess I'll just get some sleep and try to forget about him for the night. Tomorrow will bring what it brings and I'll just keep on laughing.
Until next time... peace to all.
I was sick last week. I had a cold, a bad one. My sinuses were clogged; I couldn't breathe at all out of the left side of my nose and barely out of the right side, and even though my nose was stuffed it still drained like a sieve; my head hurt - everything. I had The Sick. While the kids were in school I tried to lie down as much as I could to recuperate but when they got home it was business as usual.
I was helping with homework, listening to school stories, handling complaints, cooking, cleaning; I did all that and more, as most mothers know. You'd never know I was sick other than me complaining to myself that I felt like crap. I was in the bathroom every 10 minutes or so to try to blow my nose, too, but nobody took notice. Ack!!
Saturday evening Ty came to me and said his head hurt a little and he felt kind of blah. I figured he was getting The Sick because he never complains about anything. Sunday morning I heard him in his room coughing a little and he didn't even get up like he usually does. I took him temperature - 103*. I gave him some Ibuprofen and left him alone as requested. He slept most of the day and asked for some noodles that evening. He'd be home from school on Monday because of the 'your child has to be symptom free for 24 hours before returning to school' rule. He stayed home and lay on the sofa most of the day. His temp was down all day long. Great!!
Last night Zach came to me after school telling me he had a headache. Yikes! He was getting The Sick, too. Took his temp and it was around 101*. I gave him some Ibuprofen and sent him to bed. Ty was feeling better but now Zach wasn't. Zach would be staying home today because of the aforementioned rule. Dolly, knock wood, was fine. Phew!!
I got up this morning and took Zach's temp - 102*. Just for shits and giggles I took Ty's to make sure it was down. FUCK!! A 101* temp for Ty. He'd be home with me, too. Me and two sick boys home all day. I wasn't getting anything done. I took Dolly to the bus stop and told her she wasn't allowed to get The Sick for a couple of days so I could get the boys back in school first. She ignored me and at 9:00 this morning the school nurse called to say that Dolly had a temp of 101*. FUCK! again. I picked her up and brought her home.
Three kids with The Sick all home from school together meant that I really wasn't getting anything done. We all sat around watching TV together for a while when Zach went to his room and Ty decided to play on the computer. They were all fine until this afternoon at right about the time they'd usually get home from school. Zach and Dolly both started whining that they wanted chips. I don't have any chips but they didn't care. The whining got so bad that I came up to my room to get away from it.
A little while later I went downstairs, toasted them some rolls and put cinnamon and sugar on them; a tasty treat to help them all feel better. I'd heated myself some frozen chimichangas and was waiting to eat as soon as the rolls were done. Just as I was finishing the last roll Ty asked if they could all have some mac and cheese. They all wanted it so my dinner was put on hold while I made their dinner. I was hungry but I'm the Mama and we always take the back seat to our kids, especially those who have The Sick.
While I was making the macaroni it occurred to me that neither of the boys had bothered asking me how I was feeling last week much less offering to make me something to eat or get me a drink. Dolly, at least, had made me a cup of tea - once. I brought that to their attention - that I was doing for them while they were sick but I was mostly ignored while I was sick. When Ty apologized I told him I wasn't mentioning it for apologies, I was mentioning it because one day they'd be married. I made it quite clear that they can't expect their spouses to care for them while they're sick and ignore Spouse when he or she is sick. I told them they'll have to do their part to take care of Spouse and their households as it would be their job to take on extra until Spouse was feeling better.
I got an 'okay' from them but I'm willing to take bets that they'll forget my words of wisdom. I'll ask them in the future if they remember what I told them and they'll say no; they'll say they were listening, they'll say they were paying attention but they can't remember exactly what I said. My guess is they'll blame it on The Sick because it'll be the only reason they can think of for trying to get out of their responsibilities. It never fails.
While it's quiet right now, though, I'm going to try to relax in my room and enjoy the little peace I'll get until the next kid decides to start whining again. I'm sure it'll be about something they don't have or that I didn't do and that's okay. I've already decided to get a little payback so they better watch out the next time I get The Sick.
Until next time... peace to all.
I don't think you realize that it's not my job to make you feel better about you fucking up the lives of our kids. This time you've fucked up everything even worse than before. I've spent all day crying - no, sobbing - because of the situation I'm in right now because of you. It's not the first time I've been here but I can assure you it will be the last time. I will never again depend on you for anything - not child support, not extra money when one of the kids wants to join a club or a sport, not gifts on holidays or birthdays, and I certainly won't depend on you to be a decent human being. You really suck at that last one.
It doesn't matter to you that I don't have what I need to care for our children. You seem to think you losing your job is all about you! "It's affecting me, too," is what you said to me. I didn't get you fired, you did that all by your big-boy self. Now you have your girlfriend paying your bills and buying you the new phone that you got over the weekend. That's fucking sad. You're 41 years old and have to have your girlfriend take care of you - again.
It doesn't matter to you that I can't pay my bills because you fucked up again. Your sarcastic remark to me about me "still looking for that $80K job" was totally uncalled for. I'm not looking for an $80K job but minimum wage won't pay my bills either, mother fucker! I guess you forgot basic math somewhere on your journeys from one woman to another. All I can do is apply for the jobs, I can't force someone to give me one so until you know what you're talking about you have no right to say anything to me. I may not have a full-time job but I've also never been fired.
I told you a lot today that you've been asking about in the recent past, things about how the kids feel and things they've said to me about you, yet you didn't like it when you read it; your response was to get nasty and sarcastic with me. Here's a tip: If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question. Funny thing is that once you heard how your kids don't like you for all the shit you've done to them over the past 12 years you automatically turned it into a 'poor me' scenario. Poor you? FUCK YOU!!
Rather than respond by telling me you'll work harder to do the right thing to work on a relationship with the kids you said that you'll make phone calls to see what you can do about signing your rights to them away for good. Then you text me tonight telling me you withdrew from the visitation program that the court assigned you to attend to see the kids. When Zach heard that his response was "YAY!" He even wanted me to text it back to you but I wouldn't let him.
We all realize now that you never had any intention of being a dad to these kids. Your way of showing you care is to just remove yourself from their lives? Maybe that would be best for them and for me. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, dumbass. And for you to text me again saying that you think it's best for them and that you'll stay out of their lives until they want you and apologizing again for nothing specific is your way of trying to get me to feel bad for you. I'm not going to!! I don't give a shit how you feel!! THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!
This is about your kids and you not taking care of them yet again. It's about more disappointment that you've put on them that you don't care about fixing. It's about your kids not wanting you in their lives because you're a fuck up and they don't want to have to tell people you're their 'dad.' It's about three wonderfully beautiful kids who have to watch their mom struggle again to pay the bills and make ends meet because you screwed up again. It's these same kids who know that their mom was crying in private because, even though she comes out of the bathroom smiling, her eyes are all red and puffy, yet they still try to make her laugh.
It's about three kids who spend their time hugging their mom and telling her that everything will be okay. That's not their job but they do it anyway because they know how much she hurts and how much they hurt. I've taught them that we're a family and that we stick together and that's what we do, the four of us. They've given up more than you will ever know or even care to know. But that's not your problem, is it? Your job is trying to make people think you're the victim because your kids don't like you. You go ahead and do that, we all know better and sooner or later all your bullshit will come back on you. For now my kids and I will be a family and do what we have to do. For all we care, you can just fade away.
Until next time... peace to all.
