Beth vs. Soap

Two days ago I went out to do some errands. We needed a few things for the house so I went to my usual spot - Dollar General - where household items are pretty inexpensive. Among the items on my short list were bottles of hand soap for the bathrooms. Zach was with me and we went to the dollar section where we found apple cinnamon soap in pump bottles. I'm not too fond of food scents but it was mild so we got two bottles.

I brought my purchases home and put everything where it belonged. I took one bottle of  the soap and put it in the downstairs bathroom. I needed to open it, though, because the kids wouldn't know how to do it. On pump bottles of soap, as you know, the pump needs to be released. In order to release it you have to either spin it clockwise or counter clockwise, whichever way it is for that particular bottle. One quick spin of the pump on my bottle and it was ready for action.

I put the other bottle of soap on the stairs so I'd remember to take it up later when I was heading in that direction. The kids don't often use the upstairs bathroom during the day so I wasn't in any rush to get it up there; there was bar soap in the tub if the kids needed it. The bottle could wait on the stairs for a while. I got lucky, though, and Dolly carried it up with her on one of her many trips to her room to get this toy or that.

When I finally made it upstairs later that evening to get comfy in my room I went into the bathroom and grabbed the unopened bottle of soap to release the pump. One quick spin of the pump on the bottle and... nothing. Huh? It didn't release. Oh. I'll try again. Another quick spin of the pump and... still nothing. What the fuck?! I was spinning it right? Yes, I was spinning it.

Shit! Maybe I was spinning it in the wrong direction. Okay. One quick spin in the opposite direction and... NOTHING!!! DAMN IT!! What was I doing wrong? The first bottle opened really easily. This one wanted to fight but I wasn't in the mood just then. Fuck it! I put it back on the counter and finished changing into my sweats so I could watch TV. I'd worry about the soap later. Nobody was going to use it immediately anyway.

Later in the evening I went to use the bathroom and after washing my hands with the bar soap from the tub I decided I needed to get the pump soap working. I was up to the challenge at that point. I spun the pump a few times in one direction and then in the other. It wasn't releasing. Seriously?! It's a fucking bottle of soap for crying out loud! Why wouldn't the pump release?

I closed the lid on the commode and sat down with the soap and spun it numerous time in each direction. Nothing. I searched the bottle for directions thinking I'd missed something. No directions on how to open it existed in that little tiny print that I could barely read. Hey, I don't wear my glasses all the time; I just did the best I could by moving the bottle further from and closer to my eyes until the words came into focus.

No instructions on the bottle, maybe there were instructions on the pump itself. I turned the bottle so I could see the top and, when I held it at a certain angle, I could barely make out a small white arrow and the word "Open" in white stamped on the white pump. How the fuck do manufacturers think we can read white on white, especially when the printing is so small? Someone needs to fix that. Anyway, I was turning the pump in the correct direction but it wasn't releasing. Why not? Hmmm...

I removed the entire pump from the bottle thinking there was a release mechanism underneath that wasn't catching. Nope, nothing. I did get soap all over my hands, though, which made it all that more difficult to keep the fucking pump in my grip. Grrr... I kept spinning it and staring at it trying to figure out why it wouldn't open. I didn't see anything wrong. I was spinning the pump and the whole gadget - the straw-like part inside the bottle - was spinning with it. Was that supposed to happen?

Now I was thinking. If the pump is supposed to spin to release then the rest of the contraption would have to remain stationary. Right? That made sense. Okay. So between the pump and the bottle cap is a little collar that I noticed was also spinning along with the pump. Maybe if I held that still and spun the pump it would release. I tried but it was too fucking narrow for me to get a good grip on it with my fingers. How was I supposed to hold it still while spinning the pump? Think... think... think...

Would pliers work? Let's find out, shall we? I went downstairs to the kitchen with my pump bottle of soap that refused to release. I dug through my tool drawer for my pliers. First I had to get past the kitchen towels that somebody had just shoved in there rather than folding them. Then I had to dig through all the other tools and hardware... a box of nails, a hammer, my snips, pliers! YAY! Shit! Those are needle nose. I didn't want those. Where the fuck are my regular pliers? AHA!! Victory! All the way in the back and on the bottom of the drawer.

I grabbed the pliers, very carefully opened them, gently wrapped them around the collar of the soap bottle and gave a soft squeeze to hold the collar still. I gave the pump a quick spin with my free hand and - HOLY SHIT - it released!!! DAMN!! I couldn't believe it. Almost an hour of messing with this fucking thing and it finally opened. It's a bottle of soap and I ought not have to spend this much time with it, we're not that friendly.

I put my pliers away and was glowing in my victory as I took the now-opened bottle of soap back upstairs to the bathroom. I carefully placed it on the side of the sink where it now sits ready for anyone who needs it to partake of its contents. It wanted a fight and I was not about to give in - not now, not ever. I will take on any challenge as it's presented to me - and that includes pump bottles of soap. And I will always win!!

Until next time... peace to all.