It's Not About You, Never Will Be

I don't think you realize that it's not my job to make you feel better about you fucking up the lives of our kids. This time you've fucked up everything even worse than before. I've spent all day crying - no, sobbing - because of the situation I'm in right now because of you. It's not the first time I've been here but I can assure you it will be the last time. I will never again depend on you for anything - not child support, not extra money when one of the kids wants to join a club or a sport, not gifts on holidays or birthdays, and I certainly won't depend on you to be a decent human being. You really suck at that last one.

It doesn't matter to you that I don't have what I need to care for our children. You seem to think you losing your job is all about you! "It's affecting me, too," is what you said to me. I didn't get you fired, you did that all by your big-boy self. Now you have your girlfriend paying your bills and buying you the new phone that you got over the weekend. That's fucking sad. You're 41 years old and have to have your girlfriend take care of you - again.

It doesn't matter to you that I can't pay my bills because you fucked up again. Your sarcastic remark to me about me "still looking for that $80K job" was totally uncalled for. I'm not looking for an $80K job but minimum wage won't pay my bills either, mother fucker! I guess you forgot basic math somewhere on your journeys from one woman to another. All I can do is apply for the jobs, I can't force someone to give me one so until you know what you're talking about you have no right to say anything to me.  I may not have a full-time job but I've also never been fired.

I told you a lot today that you've been asking about in the recent past, things about how the kids feel and things they've said to me about you, yet you didn't like it when you read it; your response was to get nasty and sarcastic with me. Here's a tip: If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question. Funny thing is that once you heard how your kids don't like you for all the shit you've done to them over the past 12 years you automatically turned it into a 'poor me' scenario. Poor you? FUCK YOU!!

Rather than respond by telling me you'll work harder to do the right thing to work on a relationship with the kids you said that you'll make phone calls to see what you can do about signing your rights to them away for good. Then you text me tonight telling me you withdrew from the visitation program that the court assigned you to attend to see the kids. When Zach heard that his response was "YAY!" He even wanted me to text it back to you but I wouldn't let him.

We all realize now that you never had any intention of being a dad to these kids. Your way of showing you care is to just remove yourself from their lives? Maybe that would be best for them and for me. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, dumbass. And for you to text me again saying that you think it's best for them and that you'll stay out of their lives until they want you and apologizing again for nothing specific is your way of trying to get me to feel bad for you. I'm not going to!! I don't give a shit how you feel!! THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!

This is about your kids and you not taking care of them yet again. It's about more disappointment that you've put on them that you don't care about fixing. It's about your kids not wanting you in their lives because you're a fuck up and they don't want to have to tell people you're their 'dad.' It's about three wonderfully beautiful kids who have to watch their mom struggle again to pay the bills and make ends meet because you screwed up again. It's these same kids who know that their mom was crying in private because, even though she comes out of the bathroom smiling, her eyes are all red and puffy, yet they still try to make her laugh.

It's about three kids who spend their time hugging their mom and telling her that everything will be okay. That's not their job but they do it anyway because they know how much she hurts and how much they hurt. I've taught them that we're a family and that we stick together and that's what we do, the four of us. They've given up more than you will ever know or even care to know. But that's not your problem, is it? Your job is trying to make people think you're the victim because your kids don't like you. You go ahead and do that, we all know better and sooner or later all your bullshit will come back on you. For now my kids and I will be a family and do what we have to do. For all we care, you can just fade away.

Until next time... peace to all.