NtT - Day Four

It’s late and I should already be sleeping; or in bed watching T.V. I got home from my meeting, got the kids ready for bed, and started laying out tonight’s blog. Then the phone rang, twice; I had email to check; and Facebook posts to make. Finally I’m getting back to the blog.

Tonight I went to the parenting group I’ve been attending since Dolly was a month old. It’s called PACT and it’s at the Child Abuse Prevention Association (CAPA) every Thursday night for two hours. The kids go into their group where they learn about life lessons and responsibilities (e.g. manners, dealing with bullies, water safety, just to name a few). We adults go into our group and spend one hour on an educational piece – most times it’s parenting skills and techniques, sometimes issues like stress management and other coping skills. Usually it’s a facilitator, a few interns, and parents like me – generally averaging somewhere around 20 people altogether. Last week we had only six parents and four interns so the educational piece was put off for the night and we just had group discussion. Anyway, the educational piece was smoking cessation. Go figure.

When I told them I’d quit three days prior, they were all really proud and excited for me. Yea me!! Then, tonight they asked me if I was still nicotine free so I explained about last Friday and what happened with my meltdown and all of that. They were very understanding because they know I don’t have any support locally (they’re social workers so I can’t call them at home for support; you understand, I’m sure). They thought it was really cool when I explained that I quit again this past Monday but was doing much better and had even been blogging more to be able to vent without bothering anyone. They thought it was a great idea when I explained about getting the idea from the movie and just putting the whole ordeal out there for anyone to read. I don’t have a lot of followers, three I think is my count, but that’s okay. The three are my friends and I love them all; and it’s nice to be able to say whatever I want and they’ll understand. Even if they didn’t, that’d be okay, too. What’s the point of blogging if I’ve got to get everyone’s approval on what I say, right? Exactly, you get my point.

In any case, while I was in the middle of my yoga this morning, my phone rang and it was a quit coach from the Quit Line I mentioned in another post. I didn’t answer the phone, of course, because I was busy, but she left a message that I could call them, blah, blah, blah; and I just totally lost my train of thought as to where I was going with this. I really can’t stand when that happens. Oh yea, got it, I’m back on track. The quit coaches are there to help us and give us phone support during our quitting attempts. I’d rather talk to a friend because I know my friends and they know me. I don’t have to worry about offending anyone if the “F” word slips once, or a hundred times, during the conversation; and I don’t have to worry about being judged by my friends. That’s beside the point; again I’m getting sidetracked.

When the quit coach called me last week, she asked me to give her the reasons I want to quit smoking and I said that, aside from the obvious health reasons, I was tired of being a slave to the cigarettes. I couldn’t leave my house without making sure I had my cigarettes and lighter with me. I had to always make sure I had enough to get me through to the next morning if I was running low and sometimes had to ration them. I’d have six left and it was only 10:00 p.m. How was I going to make it until tomorrow without any cigs? I’d make them last and run to the gas station first thing after I dropped the boys at school the next day.

I was also paranoid that I was going to burn down the house at night. I’m the type of person who actually made sure the cigarette was out in the ashtray. I’d take my finger and feel the tip if need be; then I’d empty the ashtray after every four or five cigarettes anyway, and I’d empty it in the toilet. How much more “out” can a cigarette be? Still, I was really paranoid that I’d go to sleep and that the very last cig I’d put out that night – the only one in the ashtray – would magically light itself up again and catch something on fire destroying everything my kids and I owned. Never mind the facts that it was in the middle of a glass ashtray, alone, and too far away from anything to actually start a fire even if it had the smallest of embers still going. Logically speaking, it would burn itself out at the filter, or, with the way cigarettes are made now, it would automatically stop burning if I didn’t drag on it. I can’t imagine how I didn’t go insane with that attitude, or, at the very least, attempt to quit sooner so I could stop living with that state of mind. I don’t know. Hopefully, now I’m done with it for good and I can relax a bit. I do know that I need to relax right now, in this moment.

Even though I’m not feeling as bad physically as I did last week when I tried to quit, I’m still not sleeping well, although not as badly as the first time. Then, I was waking every hour, 45 minutes, hour-and-a-half, whatever. Now, though, it’s every couple of hours; maybe twice a night. Better, but not great – yet. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get to sleep in a bit. The kids are out of school for the day because of a Teacher Work Day so I’m already off schedule. I’ve been thinking it’s Friday even though we’re doing Thursday things. I’m just going to have to keep to my regular Friday schedule as best as I can, with the boys around, so I don’t go insane again and go buy a pack of butts. I don’t think I can do the whole quitting thing all over again next week; I just want to make it through the weekend without incident. For now, I’m off to bed. Until tomorrow…peace to all.