Pissed Off and Ultra-Determined

Fair warning before I get into the meat of tonight’s post. What I have to day tonight will be a jumble of thoughts coming out in no particular order, and a whole lot of them; and it will probably also be colored with more expletives than usual. Both of the above because I’m really angry and frustrated right now and any of you who actually know me know that when I get like this my thoughts don’t run straight and my language is pretty bad. If you don’t think you can take it, stop reading here.

You all know a good part of my history over the past five or so years because I’ve written about it in bits and pieces here and there. You may or may not have connected the dots at some point, and if you didn’t that’s okay because I will back peddle tonight to clarify what’s happening now. So I’ll get started.

I don’t consider myself to be stupid or naïve but it seems as if I may have become both at some point. Maybe I’m wrong. After you finish reading, let me know what you think. I was under the distinct impression that the government was supposed to be helping people who really need it. That’s what I’d always been told, and from my research and dealing with government agents that’s what I was led to believe. It’s not turning out that way, though and I’ll explain why in a few minutes.

When I lived in MO I was forced to go “into the system” because of no fault of my own. My ex left me with two toddlers and our third child on the way. I had no income and no way of paying bills without going to DSS. I was also forced to move into HUD subsidized housing. It wasn’t bad, mind you; the neighborhood wasn’t the greatest but most of my neighbors were of the opinion that they didn’t need to work as long as the government was willing to give them a place to live. I, on the other hand, along with my next-door neighbor, was of a different opinion.

I believed that I was supposed to use the system to support my family only until I was able to do it myself. I was attending college – via Internet – and earning a degree while my kids were in school. I completed my Bachelor of Science in Paralegal studies in 2009 and had every intention of getting a job when the kids went back to school. Unfortunately for me, I only qualified to put my daughter in part-day Head Start because I couldn’t pay the $500 a month it would have cost me to put her in the full-day program. After care for her, if I was working, would have been just as much so I was stuck. I couldn’t get a job until she went to school full time with the boys.

Then I found out that once a person is in the system the government makes it virtually impossible for that person to get out of the system regardless of how hard s/he tries. It was suggested to me that I work part time for the hours that Dolly was in school. That was fine except that any money I brought home over $200 a month would have to be reported to my apartment management office and DSS (I was getting food stamps). My rent would have gone up and my food stamp allotment would have gone down. I would have basically broken even at the end of the month and wouldn’t have been able to bank anything at all, thus being forced to remain exactly where I was residence-wise.

So I stuck it out for the year and realized that I wouldn’t be able to work out there making enough money to support my family. That’s when I decided to move to MD and Ellen and I were going to do the freelance paralegal thing. That didn’t work out so I moved all the way back to Long Island, where I’d been raised. Since October the kids and I have been living in a friend’s basement making do with what we’ve got. Now though is where the real trouble starts.

Kara is selling her house so the kids and I have to be out PRONTO. I have spent the past six weeks or so looking for housing out here. Not only does NY not have any HUD subsidized housing, but the agencies all claim to not have any emergency housing. I find that fucking hard to believe. I have to correct something, though. There is HUD subsidized housing here but it’s not the same as in MO. There it was based on income with respect to what you did or didn’t have. If you had no income, you paid no rent. I was paying a really low rent for a 3-bedroom, 1.5 bathroom townhome with a full basement. Here, though, the “subsidized” housing communities all have minimum income guidelines – generally around $35K a year with a max of about $65K. There is nothing for low-income families.

I’ve been looking for a job out here but since I’m in the fucking boondocks of Long Island there isn’t a job to be had that’s much over minimum wage. I think I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago. A job for me making $9/hour would just pay for the before/after care the boys would have to attend and I’d have whopping $30 left over – which would pay for my gas to get to and from work. What the fuck?! All the decent-paying jobs are in Western Suffolk County/Eastern Nassau County, which are, at least, an hour from me and I don’t have enough time or gas money to be driving to and from a job interview, much less a job. Since I’ve only got about four free hours during the day because of the kids’ fucked up school schedules.

I need to move to that general area to be able to have the time during the day to go on a few interviews each day. I also need for prospective employers to stop thinking that, because I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for the past ten years, I’m not employable. Fuck the fact that I worked for a solid 18 years before Ty was born, right? I was an administrative assistant and a damn good one at that. That coupled with my degree you’d think would garner me offers left and right. Nope!! Every ad I’ve seen for a paralegal requires a minimum of two years of experience in the legal field. Gee, can’t get the job without the experience, but can’t get the experience without the fucking job. What the fuck gives?!

Now, though, I can’t get a job without a home, and I can’t get the home without the job. I’ll tell you why. BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT IS COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY FUCKED UP!!! That’s why!! I have ads on craigslist offering my services as a paralegal but keep getting replies from the motherfucking insurance sales companies wanting me to put my “experience” into their company. Did anything in my ad or on my resume on any of the job search sites say I was looking for a fucking sales position? I don’t think so!! I didn’t ask for it so don’t fucking offer it to me.

I’ve also put ads on craigslist asking for help for a single mom with three kids and two cats. I’ve politely requested a place to stay with either a low rent for a couple of months or in exchange for housekeeping/child care services. I’ve gotten responses – from stupid fucking desperate single men looking to build a relationship. If I was looking for a fucking date I’d sign up on match.com. I’m not going to move in with a single dad looking to get laid. FUCK NO!!!

So I finally went back to DSS to find out about rent assistance. Guess what I was told. I don’t qualify because I have no rental expenses – I was supposed to be paying Kara rent but because I have to drive Dolly to and from school daily that rent money is eaten up in gas. I also don’t qualify because, for the time being, I have a roof over my head. If I take the kids out of school one day at the end of the month, and get a notarized letter from Kara telling them she “evicted” us, and show up at the door to Social Services, they can place us in a shelter that day. You know what? THAT’S FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE TO ME!!! I will NOT subject my kids to shelter life because I have to follow rules that I had no say in creating.

Since then I’ve been calling agency after agency after agency, all of which claim to have resources, and they all say the exact same thing: “Call Social Services.” Is that the only motherfucking resource you have? Are you fucking kidding me? Do I look stupid enough not to have thought of that myself? Does anyone? Do they honestly think that people who are losing their jobs and homes don’t think of calling Social Services first?

I did come in contact with a couple of people who actually turned me on to some real agencies or contacts that gave me decent information. The Commissioner of DSS was a very nice man and told me that I qualify for a couple of their rent assistance programs but I have to literally be sitting in a shelter first. Give me a motherfucking break!! Why in the world would the government want to pay to house us in a shelter, and then pay again to help me find a place to live? Does that make any fucking sense at all to anyone? It doesn’t to me.

Onward – I called the County Executive whose aide told me to call the DSS Commissioner. I explained that I already did and told her what he said didn’t work for me. She gave me the number to the Board of Elections so I could get the names and numbers of the elected officials. I called the State Legislator and spoke with someone last week and we’ve been playing phone tag ever since. Another agency, the EOC, told me that they could help me secure a place but since my only income is child support I don’t have enough to guarantee that I can sustain the rent after they assist me. Again, I can’t get a job without the place to live first. She understands completely but, “I’m sorry, that’s all we can do. If you can get a job and bring us a letter from an employer, we may be able to get you into a place.” Am I not speaking fucking English or is she just a dunce?

The Department of Labor can’t even help me. They’re not a job placement agency but they can let me use the Internet and fax machines and give me the names of all the job search web sites that I’ve already got. Does the government actually fucking pay people to give folks like me what we can already do on our own? I want THAT fucking job!! “I’ll give you what you already have but that’s the best I can do.” Un-fucking-believable!!

So the DOL lady connected me to the “Displaced Homemakers” division because “they have a class that’s starting June 7th and runs through the 17th. It’ll give me tips on how to write a resume and do an effective job search, and some other things that might help me. Again, am I not speaking English? Listen carefully you fucking moron: I CAN DO ALL OF THAT MYSELF!!! I JUST CAN’T GET AN EMPLOYER TO HIRE ME BECAUSE OF A LACK OF EXPERIENCE!!!

So I left a message with the Displaced Homemakers lady and she called me back. She did have a couple of suggestions and even scoffed at what the other lady had told me about the class. Her response, “No, that class won’t do you any good. You need help now, not later.” Thank you for listening to me!!! She suggested I call my State representatives and she was impressed that I had already started that. She said I need to keep climbing that ladder because the government’s “We can’t help you until you live in a cardboard box” attitude is the shits. Then I got annoyed with her but it was my own fault. I was just talking to her explaining that I understand how some people take advantage of the system but I’m not one of them. I told her that I didn’t ask to be put in this position, that I didn’t ask for domestic violence in my relationship – and she stopped me there. “Oh, you didn’t say anything about that. I have a couple of numbers you can call. Maybe these places can help.”

You know why I didn’t mention it? BECAUSE I’M TIRED OF PLAYING THAT SAME FUCKING CARD OVER AND OVER!!! Yes, it happened; no, it’s not still happening (According to her, though, since he’s close to us again, I never know if he might come around and start some shit.); yes, I’ve dealt with it; no, I’m not over it, just past it. I’m tired of thinking about it, I’m tired of having to offer that information, I’m tired of having people help me simply because of it. The government simply wants to keep me in the system, and keep me reliving my past over and over and over… I don’t want to do that forever.

Am I glad I have the resources? Okay. Am I happy that I’ll have to tell my entire story over again to each of these places? FUCK NO!! Look at me as a person – an intelligent, strong-willed, capable woman who will do what needs to be done for myself and my kids if I can just get this one last step up the mountain. Stop looking at me as the poor abused victim who had to deal with domestic violence in her home and is struggling with issues at every turn. It’s really starting to make me sick and it’s making more sense to me how people keep bleeding the system. All a woman has to do is scream abuse and people rush to her aid. I’m not like that. I got counseling, I got help when I needed it. It’s in the past and I’m tired of carrying it around only to have to show it when I least expect it. How am I ever going to move forward with my life if the system keeps insisting I live in the past?

Fuck, my brain really hurts now. I’m tired of yelling, and screaming, and crying, and griping. I’m fighting one helluva a fucking fight right now and I guarantee you I WILL NOT LOSE!! Yes, I’m going to call these other resources tomorrow. If they can help, so be it. Do I like it? Not really, but if it helps me get a home for my kids, I’ll do what I have to do. I also have to go above the head of the State Legislator aid simply because he can’t get back to me when I need him to get back to me. I will not give up on this and the angrier I get the more determined I am. So keep pissing me off, folks. I promise you I’ll just come back stronger and more forceful. Eventually you’ll realize that, if I can take my fight as far as I have and farther, I’m not an ignorant bimbo trying to get something for nothing, and you’ll help me with what I need if only to get me out of your face.

So, this was a long post – no apologies here, I told you in the beginning it was a massive gripe. Thanks for hanging in there with me and I’d appreciate you sending me all the positive energy you can. I am determined to get what I want and I’ll keep you updated as things progress. Hell, maybe if I fight hard enough I can actually get some of the bullshit rules and regs changed to help others like me. That was my intention from the beginning and the reason I got the degree I got. I intend to make the world a better place for honest, hard-working women so we can stop getting shit on by the system. No better time to start than now.

Until next time…peace to all.