Need To Vent A Little

I was too tired to post last night; I guess all the talk about Cathy just drained me. I don’t feel like continuing the shelter saga tonight, either. I need to rest my brain a bit. You don’t mind, I’m sure. I just think I need to realign and get my thoughts in order again before I can continue; it won’t take long, it never does. I hope it doesn’t, anyway.

Lately I can’t go to sleep before 2:00a.m. even though I’m exhausted and have to get up at 7:00a.m. to get the kids ready for school. Once I fall asleep I have funky dreams; this has been for about two weeks now and I don’t know why. I hung a dream catcher next to my bed the other day hoping it would help but so far it hasn’t. My dreams are milder but still funked up.

The only reason I can think of for the dreams is that I spend a lot of time lately trying to get things in order in my home and in my life. I’m still unpacking things and I’m having an issue with getting motivated. I just haven’t felt like getting up every morning and going through boxes but I think I’m ready to start now. I got some things done today and have about eight more boxes to sort through so I’ll get started on it tomorrow – I think.

It’s only a matter of opening them and sorting through all the paperwork and deciding what to keep and what to toss. It’s stuff I can do while sitting in front of the TV so it really isn’t that difficult of a chore. Lately the thought of it, though, just drains my energy. I think the reason for that is because after all my unpacking and sorting are done, and the house is semi-complete, I have to move on to the next step in my life – getting an internship.

Getting an internship means I have to leave the house during the day while the kids are at school and go to work in the legal field for a few hours a week to gain the experience I need to get a full-time job as a paralegal. No, I’m not lazy; no, I’m not averse to hard work; I’m scared, that’s what it is. Although I worked from the time I was 15 years old I haven’t held a full-time job outside my home since Tyler was born in November of 2001. I actually worked for just about 20 years when I became a stay-at-home mom.

Now I have to get back into the work force to put my $40K degree to some good use. I’ve got banks hounding me about my school loans but that’s not an issue for me. They can wait; I’ve only sent them the deferment papers three times. It’s not my fault if they can’t keep track of them. Regardless, I need to get a job to support my family, and I want to do it, I’m just really scared to go job hunting. I’ve been searching for a job for a couple of years but nobody wants to hire me as a paralegal because, and I’ve told you this already, I don’t have the requisite experience.

I figured an internship would give me the experience I need to add to my resume so I can get a full-time job that will eventually lead to me being able to freelance and work from home. I’ve got a lot of plans; it’s just that putting them into action is what scares me. I try to be positive about it but I keep thinking about starting a job at my age and people younger than me, who already have experience, looking at me like I’ve been in an institution for the past twenty years.

No, I don’t really care what other people think about me. I’m just trying to rationalize my fears and rambling to you is allowing me to vent. Maybe if I lay it all out here I’ll be able to think more clearly tomorrow and get a plan in place and actually put it into action. I love the time I have here at home, alone, but I think it affords me too much time to think and re-think and think some more and then I confuse myself and then I get more scared. But at least I’ve said it out loud, sort of. Hopefully I’ll be able to realign now and do what needs to be done. I’ll let you know; thanks for listening.

Until next time…peace to all.