Wow! A very interesting day for me today that I need to share with someone. Let me preface it for you first. I have a friend's son staying with me. Call him K. He's 24, wasn't happy where he was in NY, doesn't want to live in FL with his family so he asked if he could try living here in MO. Sure, why not. He's a good kid, lots of potential, and a positive role model for my kids. He'll hang with us until he gets on his feet. I did not tell my ex about K being here, it's none of his business.
Tonight Paul came to pick up Zach and Dolly to take them to a school dinner function and while Paul was here chatting with me before he left with the kids K walked into the house, picked up his cell phone and walked back out. Not a word to anyone. He doesn't even want to meet Paul since I told him all I'd been through. That's fine.
Of course Paul asked Zach who K is, how long I've known him, why K is living here and Zach told him the truth. And, of course, Paul asked Zach where K is sleeping and Zach told him the truth again. K is sleeping in Dolly's room since she doesn't use it; she sleeps in my room ever since Paul's rampage over here just before New Year's Eve. I found all this out when Paul dropped the kids back off here at home, and after he'd left. I also laughed at it because Paul is the last one to ask about anyone living in my home after all the women he's had around my kids. He's such a dumbass.
Meanwhile, when Paul and the kids were gone I got some pretty interesting information. I won't say how, just suffice it to say that it's from a reliable source and while I won't say it's all 100% accurate most of it rings true to me. I don't really care about what goes on with Paul and his girlfriend because when they break up it'll all become my problem because of my kids and I don't want to make it my problem now. I was told by a counselor yesterday, though, that even though I don't want to make it my problem I have the right and responsibility to find out if my kids are staying in a safe environment when they're with Paul and D.
So tonight I went through my connections and found out that the two of them got into a physical altercation the other night. He shoved her and she decked him. While I'm happy that she can stand up for herself against him I'm not happy that this could possibly happen when my kids are there. I got a lot more information but this is the part that sticks out in my mind the most; partly because I'm glad Paul had someone give him what he dishes and partly because I'm afraid that next time it could escalate and my kids could potentially be witness to it.
Now I have to call the counselor back tomorrow and tell her what I know and get her advice. She's told me that if I find out things get dangerous for my kids when they're there I have to take legal steps to protect them. That I can do. I get the feeling, though, that she'll tell me there's nothing I can do as long as my kids weren't there. I don't know for sure, though. I guess I'll find out and fill you in when I do know something definite.
My day kinda flipped back and forth from ups to downs. I volunteered at Zach and Dolly's school as I regularly do on Thursdays then came home to all the rest. After all I'd found out from Zach and the questions Paul asked about K, and the information I got from Source about Paul's home life, I got a call from a friend who needed to vent. I don't mind that at all; most of my friends call me to vent because I'm a good listener.
My mind, though, is now mush and needs to relax and process all the stuff I learned about today. The information I got from Source is a lot to take in all at once and the possible repercussions makes it even heavier. I'm not going to dwell on it or stress over it because I won't do that to myself but I'm still nervous about what the counselor might tell me. Until then I'm going to sit and relax - K and all the kids are in bed so I get some quiet time to myself. Aaahhh...I can feel the pressure lifting a little.
I'll definitely fill you in when I get official word about what, if anything, I need to do from here. Let's hope I don't have to go legal on this because I really hate having to explain everything to the kids. Regardless, it is what it is and it will be what it will be. I have no control over anything right now so I'm going to let it be.
Until next time...peace to all.
This was supposed to be my weekend home alone. The kids were supposed to be with their dad this weekend but it didn't work out that way, not completely, anyway. My ex decided that he has to go see the race at the speedway tomorrow so he bought tickets for his girlfriend, D, and him to go. Because they're going to the race he brought the kids home tonight. He's selfish, though, and always has been. What he wants comes before the kids. Sucks, right?
Not only did he cut their time with him short and I had to deal with the fallout from them but he cut my time alone short. I love my kids, you know that, but I still deserve to have some time to myself occasionally and if I can get that every other weekend then that's what I expect. Unlike my ex, however, I don't get what I want. He's also already bought tickets to a race on May 19 which also happens to be on a Sunday of a weekend he's supposed to be with the kids. He'll have them Friday, bring them back Saturday and then he's going to pick them up again on Monday to take them to WWE.
He and the boys will go, along with D's son, and Dolly will go with D for a girls' night. What sucks about that is it's on a Monday and they'll have school the next day. Paul and D aren't the ones who have to deal with the cranky kids on Tuesday morning; that'll be my job and I'll be the one getting shit on with the attitudes while he'll look like the fucking hero - again.
No, I can't tell him the kids can't go because he bought the tickets weeks ago and I can't control what he does. If I were to ask him to not plan functions with the kids on school nights for the simple fact that they don't get up easily in the mornings he'd deliberately go against my wishes to show me that he can do what he wants, regardless of how it affects the kids. His mission in life seems to be to do what he can to try and control me. He's always been that way and always will.
I'm just getting tired of his bullshit lately. Every single time he has a woman in his life he starts playing his "Look What a Good Dad I Am" game on her. He also spends his time telling whoever she may be what a shit I am and then goes about trying to prove it with stupid bullshit tactics. I don't think the game will last too long this time since they've already had a huge blow-up in their household already. She actually almost threw him out two weeks after he moved in. She also told me that he tells her everything is my fault. Not that she believes it and it's not like I didn't know it but I thought I'd share it with you.
I'm pretty sure their relationship will only last a few more months and then he'll be out on the streets again when he gets out of control with his anger. Of course his attitude toward me will change then because he'll be asking for my help yet again and all that other crap. At that point I'll be someone he needs regardless of what he thought about me two days prior. All the shit that he pulled and all the nasty things he said are supposed to be forgotten in his hour of need because he'll be the victim one more time and will want everyone to feel sorry for him. Fuck that.
Right now I'm spending time feeling sorry for me. I'm tired of his games, his bullshit comments, his fake daddy act...but I deal with it all because I have no other choice. The best I can do is vent to my friends occasionally and toss it out there for all of you. I don't have anyone to help me block the verbal blows or absorb the physical shock of whatever his next move to make me feel like shit will be. I do that all by myself and I'll continue to do it because he and I are connected forever because of our kids.
Lately I have to deal with his shit when the kids are around because I don't get my 'me' time like I'm supposed to. Remember, I said the kids are home tonight. The best I can hope for is that a girlfriend will call me to vent about her problems so I can forget about mine for a little while. Then I hang up and get to go back to brooding over shit that I can't control.
I had a really great day today and one stupid text conversation with him got to me and wiped it all away. I know I don't have to let it and that is under my control but I also know he's got an ulterior motive and that's what stays with me - and it sucks ass. Right now it's 1:40 in the morning and I'm still up, by myself now because the kids are sleeping, and all I can think about is what Paul's next issue with me will be. Right now, though, I'm going to try to turn it off and get some sleep. Maybe the angels will come to me in the night and tell me that I'm not as alone as I feel and I'll awake in a better mood. There's only one way to find out. I'm going to bed.
Until next time...peace to all.
There's a shift lately and I'm not sure what it is. For the most part of last week I'd do what I had to do during the day and then, when the kids went to bed, I'd come up to my room, put on the TV, play a game on Pogo, and plug in my earbuds to listen to music all night. The music was to drown out whatever outside noises there were and to help me keep my sanity. My kids were running amok, my house was a wreck since I moved the furniture in, and I couldn't get up the energy to get any work done. Any type of loud noise sent me into sensory overload and the music helped calm me.
On Friday I got the kids on the bus, took a couple of hours to myself and then started on the task of getting my home rearranged to make room for everything once and for all. I put my earbuds into my MP3 player and got to work. I busted my ass for almost five hours moving this and that here and there, dragging things to the basement that needed to be stored there, wiping, sweeping, mopping and all the other shit that goes with cleaning. Finally my home was in complete order once again and I was very proud of myself.
Shortly after the kids got in from school their dad's new girlfriend arrived to pick them up for their weekend visit with their dad - he was still at work so she offered to get them - and when they left the house was completely silent. I got a large soda from Quik Trip and added a couple shots of vodka to it when I got home, turned on the TV and sat on the sofa relaxing all night. When I got up here to my room I didn't even need my music; I had relaxed enough that I was starting to become centered again.
Saturday was a day-long Louis C.K. marathon with my friend Sylvia who came over to hang out. We ate and watched TV and laughed until we couldn't breathe. Both of us needed and deserved that day of complete relaxation and fun without any interruptions from the outside world. What a pleasure it was to just sit and not have to worry about anything at all.
Sunday I spent the day by myself and actually only said about 30 words out loud all day long, and those were to the kids' friends who kept knocking on the door asking if my kids could come outside. "They're at their dad's this weekend" was about all I said to anyone. There was nobody here so there was nobody to talk to. It was lovely. Even after the kids got home, which was late, I had a few words with Ty who was in a pissy mood but it didn't last long. They all went to bed and I was alone again.
Today they went off to school and I got a few chores done that I'd been neglecting, then I started on pictures for Ursula's website. I almost got going on them when she called and needed me to do something else. Okay, no worries. I got some of it done before the kids arrived home and the rest will be finished tomorrow. The kids and I had a nice evening together, there was no fighting amongst them and we were like a real family again. I love them dearly and hope we can stay on this track. Now they're all in bed and I'm up here talking to you; still don't have any music on, just the TV this time.
I don't know what happened but I'm suddenly in a very positive place lately. Maybe it's because my home is finally in order again and I had a solid weekend all to myself to do what I wanted to do. I'm not really sure but I do know that I'm once again realigned and centered and moving forward, as I ought to be. Then I got a couple of bits of good news today which helped lift my spirits even more and the information probably came when it did because I'm already in upward mode. I'm putting positive energy out to the universe and I'm getting it back and so putting out even more positive energy. The universe is responding in spades.
It's nice to finally be in a place again where I don't feel like I need to hide or keep myself contained with music because I can't stand the negative energy around me. I still put on the music for a little bit during the day but it's because I want to hear it, not because I need it for medicinal purposes. My kids have been laughing and positive themselves so that makes everything even better. It's a good feeling and I plan on keeping up with it. If I stay positive my kids will feed off of my energy and they'll continue to respond in kind, as will others outside our home when I encounter them. I've been here before but I forgot how nice it really is. Perhaps I can hold onto it this time and not let others get me so down that I have to let it go. That's my plan anyway.
Until next time...peace to all.
My kids go back to school tomorrow after having six-and-a-half days off for spring break, plus two weekends. They had early release on the 21st and that started their vacation. On Friday they went to their dad's house, his new residence where he's now living with his new girlfriend, and they were scheduled to stay from Friday evening until Tuesday afternoon. Most of the weekend went well but, surprise surprise, Monday turned into a cluster-fuck when my ex and his girlfriend started fighting. It was a bad situation made even worse by his drinking and, needless to say, it wasn't a good night for anyone in my small familiar circle.
The kids came home on Tuesday afternoon as planned and the week, for the most part, has been okay. We've had our ups and downs as we always do but the weather was nice so the kids got to play outside a good portion of the time. There was the usual running in and out by all of them which kind of ticks me off at times because I can't understand why they can't decide what they're doing, make sure they've gone to the bathroom, and eaten before they go outside initially. My door literally opens every 30-seconds to three minutes after they've stepped outside, someone needing to get a drink or pee or grab a different toy.
This past Tuesday I got a couple of friends together and we went and picked up the furniture Paul gave me when he moved out of his place. We'd scheduled it then rescheduled it and almost had to reschedule it a third time but all the pieces finally fell into place at the last second. I got a sectional sofa, a small wall unit - some of you might call it an entertainment center - and a TV. I hadn't fully cleaned the house before the furniture because I had to rearrange a lot of my own things to make room for the new-used stuff and I knew that we'd be tracking in dirt and grass when we moved the furniture in. I wasn't about to clean twice in as many days so I just left it and figured I'd get it done over the course of the week. That did not happen.
Once the kids came home they were in and out and tracking in all kinds of crap, leaving toys here and there, dropping shoes and socks anywhere they could. They were also in and out so much that if I'd tried to finish the rearranging and cleaning I'd have had to stop every few minutes to make room for them to pass through or to answer a question or to help with some other situation. Ugh! I understand it's going to happen but when I get in a cleaning mode I don't like to be interrupted or it'll never get finished so I just never started.
When they go back to school tomorrow I plan on taking a short block of time for myself just to enjoy the silence and peace and then I'm getting to work on my home, moving this here and that there, cleaning, dusting, sweeping, and now vacuuming since Paul gave me his vacuum, too. His girlfriend has two so they didn't really need another one; and I didn't have one so it's a bonus for me. I can't wait to get it done because I can't stand living in clutter and not having everything in its place. It drives me bat-shit crazy.
Tuesday will be just as busy because during the week Ursula kept emailing me products I need to research and I couldn't do much of it because, as I've stated before, most of my time is spent on the phone and with my kids around it's a job that can't be accomplished very well. That will have to get done on Tuesday, come Hell or high water. No, none of it is a rush but I feel bad that I couldn't yet start on any of it.
I love having the extra time with the kids but it throws off my schedule and I don't take to change very well. I like everything planned so that I know what's coming; surprises are not something I handle with grace. Yes, I knew they were going to be out of school but the scheduling of the furniture move, the lack of house cleaning, and the Ursula work all just happened as they did and I couldn't control much of it. Hell, I couldn't remember what day it was most of the week. I was always off by two days - I was thinking it was Sunday when it was only Friday, and so on - because of the Thursday early release from school.
I just want to get back on my schedule so that I know what's coming at me and when. Just imagine, though, if I'm this bad over the course of spring break, how I'm going to be when school is out for the summer. They're all going to summer school for the month of June however the boys go from 7:30 -12:30 and Dolly will go from 8:30 - 3:30. Not only will that fuck up my day but when summer school is done and they're home all day every day I'll be totally lost. I guess I'll just have to set some boundaries and create blocks of time for me to be able to work and have the kids honor all of it. That'll come soon enough; for now I'm just going to get back on my usual schedule and hope that April and May go slowly so I don't end up in panic mode. Wish me luck.
Until next time...peace to all.
