Just More Crap I Can't Control

This was supposed to be my weekend home alone. The kids were supposed to be with their dad this weekend but it didn't work out that way, not completely, anyway. My ex decided that he has to go see the race at the speedway tomorrow so he bought tickets for his girlfriend, D, and him to go. Because they're going to the race he brought the kids home tonight. He's selfish, though, and always has been. What he wants comes before the kids. Sucks, right?

Not only did he cut their time with him short and I had to deal with the fallout from them but he cut my time alone short. I love my kids, you know that, but I still deserve to have some time to myself occasionally and if I can get that every other weekend then that's what I expect. Unlike my ex, however, I don't get what I want. He's also already bought tickets to a race on May 19 which also happens to be on a Sunday of a weekend he's supposed to be with the kids. He'll have them Friday, bring them back Saturday and then he's going to pick them up again on Monday to take them to WWE.

He and the boys will go, along with D's son, and Dolly will go with D for a girls' night. What sucks about that is it's on a Monday and they'll have school the next day. Paul and D aren't the ones who have to deal with the cranky kids on Tuesday morning; that'll be my job and I'll be the one getting shit on with the attitudes while he'll look like the fucking hero - again.

No, I can't tell him the kids can't go because he bought the tickets weeks ago and I can't control what he does. If I were to ask him to not plan functions with the kids on school nights for the simple fact that they don't get up easily in the mornings he'd deliberately go against my wishes to show me that he can do what he wants, regardless of how it affects the kids. His mission in life seems to be to do what he can to try and control me. He's always been that way and always will.

I'm just getting tired of his bullshit lately. Every single time he has a woman in his life he starts playing his "Look What a Good Dad I Am" game on her. He also spends his time telling whoever she may be what a shit I am and then goes about trying to prove it with stupid bullshit tactics. I don't think the game will last too long this time since they've already had a huge blow-up in their household already. She actually almost threw him out two weeks after he moved in. She also told me that he tells her everything is my fault. Not that she believes it and it's not like I didn't know it but I thought I'd share it with you.

I'm pretty sure their relationship will only last a few more months and then he'll be out on the streets again when he gets out of control with his anger. Of course his attitude toward me will change then because he'll be asking for my help yet again and all that other crap. At that point I'll be someone he needs regardless of what he thought about me two days prior. All the shit that he pulled and all the nasty things he said are supposed to be forgotten in his hour of need because he'll be the victim one more time and will want everyone to feel sorry for him. Fuck that.

Right now I'm spending time feeling sorry for me. I'm tired of his games, his bullshit comments, his fake daddy act...but I deal with it all because I have no other choice. The best I can do is vent to my friends occasionally and toss it out there for all of you. I don't have anyone to help me block the verbal blows or absorb the physical shock of whatever his next move to make me feel like shit will be. I do that all by myself and I'll continue to do it because he and I are connected forever because of our kids.

Lately I have to deal with his shit when the kids are around because I don't get my 'me' time like I'm supposed to. Remember, I said the kids are home tonight. The best I can hope for is that a girlfriend will call me to vent about her problems so I can forget about mine for a little while. Then I hang up and get to go back to brooding over shit that I can't control.

I had a really great day today and one stupid text conversation with him got to me and wiped it all away. I know I don't have to let it and that is under my control but I also know he's got an ulterior motive and that's what stays with me - and it sucks ass. Right now it's 1:40 in the morning and I'm still up, by myself now because the kids are sleeping, and all I can think about is what Paul's next issue with me will be. Right now, though, I'm going to try to turn it off and get some sleep. Maybe the angels will come to me in the night and tell me that I'm not as alone as I feel and I'll awake in a better mood. There's only one way to find out. I'm going to bed.

Until next time...peace to all.