Zach to the Rescue

I hung out with the kids this morning then went up to take a shower. It was a little bit chilly out so I had the water nice and hot, enjoying my few minutes of privacy without any interruptions from the kids. I was nice and relaxed when I turned off the water and I reached up to pull the far end of the shower curtain open - the end farthest from the shower head - so I could retrieve my towel. It's a good thing I looked up because just as I raised my hand to grab the top of the curtain I saw it - A SPIDER!

It was just sitting at the top of the shower curtain, probably enjoying what was left of the shower steam, and just waiting for me to grab it. I could tell it was biding its time and laughing at me without making a sound. My reaction - I screamed, threw open the other end of the shower curtain, grabbed my towel off the shelf, wrapped it around me and jumped out of the shower dripping water all over the floor. It all happened in about five seconds.

Just as my feet hit the little rug on the outside of the tub, Zach was walking up the stairs. He'd heard me scream and was asking if I was okay. I pulled open the door and told him to get in the shower, but he just stared at me. The water was off, it wasn't like he was going to get soaked so I repeated, "Get in the shower." He stepped in and I pulled the curtain closed and told him to look up at the far end of the curtain. As soon as he saw Mr. Spider - yes, Mr. because he had all the power at that moment - Zach yelped and jumped out of the tub.

By then Ty and Dolly were standing in the hallway outside the bathroom door asking what the problem was. Dolly, my participating observer - she's there, just not to help - just had to know what was going on. "What is it? What's in there? Can I see? Is it a spider?" I confirmed that it was a spider and asked Ty to get rid of it. "I'm not touching it, huh uh, no way." Zach offered Ty his football to try to kill it but Ty still wouldn't take the job.

I was running neighbors through my mind that I could call to come to the rescue but Zach stepped up and said he'd kill it. He slowly got back in the tub and I closed the curtain so he could find Mr. Spider. It was gone. FUCK!!! He kept saying, "It's gone, Mom. It's not here." It had to be there. It was - but on the OUTSIDE of the fucking curtain, the side on which I was standing. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Zach jumped out of the tub, football in hand, and was going to try to throw the ball at Mr. Spider. I stopped him.

Throwing the football at it wouldn't work. It would either A) just knock the fucker to the floor and it's light brown color would cause it to blend with the little rug and we'd never see it again; or B) miss completely and the fucker would sit there staring at me longer just waiting till it could jump on me. I told Zach to get some tissue and grab it. "I'M NOT GRABBING IT!" Dolly decided to step up to bat. "I'll get it." Yeah, right, all 3'7" of her. She couldn't reach the top of the curtain without me picking her up and that was not going to happen with water all over the floor.

Mind you, my bathroom is a decent size - for one person. Now we had Zach and me in there and then Dolly joined. It was way too cramped at that point. Zach said he'd get the tissue and grab Mr. Spider from the curtain so I directed Dolly to leave the bathroom to give us more room. Zach reached up with the tissue and tried to grab Mr. Spider but when he took his hand down and looked there was nothing on the tissue. FUCK!!! Where'd it go? Grrrrr....

I glanced down and saw the fucker hanging on a web from the tissue. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" I jumped back and told Zach where it was. Because he couldn't see it, he started moving his hand back and forth and up and down in an attempt to find the culprit. He was unknowingly about to let Mr. Spider go on the rug so I yelled at him to raise his hand up and over so I could get the lid to the toilet open. He didn't move far enough so I kept yelling, "No! Move over more! It's gonna touch me! It's gonna fall!" He finally moved his hand enough for me to open the toilet lid so I directed him to move his hand back over the toilet.

He still couldn't see the spider so I was standing there, in my towel, dripping wet, directing him - "Over to the left, now up a little, a little more to the left...OK, good, now drop the tissue into the toilet." BOOM! Mr. Spider landed in the water, closely followed by the tissue. At that point Zach saw it, "Oh, there it is." Followed by Dolly who'd re-entered the bathroom to see for herself, "I see it!" I made sure the little shit was staying put and I reached for the handle - FLUSH!!! The fucker swirled around in the water and finally went down. HA!! GOTCHA YA BASTARD!!! WE WON!! Heh heh heh...

My heart rate slowed, Zach and I high-fived, and I ushered the kids out of the bathroom. I then calmly finished drying, got dressed and cleaned up the water I'd dripped all over the bathroom floor. Then I went about my day secure in the the knowledge that my Zach had rescued me from the clutches of Mr. Spider and all was right with the world again. :)

Until next time...peace to all.