Selfless or Freaky?

This past Friday I bought two bags of cereal for the weekend to last until I can do my food shopping tomorrow. I bought store brand bags of frosted flakes and chocolate puffs. They're large bags and even with the kids having friends spend the night I knew there would be plenty.

This morning I had a bowl of the frosted flakes, the bag was almost full; the puffs were about half full. This evening I went to get a bowl of the puffs and there was enough for about one bowl left in the bag. Eat it? Don't eat it? Eat it? Don't eat it? All I kept thinking was that one of the kids might want that last bowl. There were still plenty of flakes left and I'm going shopping tomorrow so it's not a big issue, right? It was to me. I put the cereal back because I didn't want the kids to not have it if one of them wanted it.

I do that all the time. I won't do for me because I feel guilty that the kids will be left out or miss out on something. I won't eat the last bowl of cereal because they might want it. I won't buy myself a sandwich or a burger while I'm out running errands even though I'm hungry. I'll wait till I get home because I feel bad that the kids aren't getting a burger, too. I won't buy new sneakers even though I need them because the kids will need something two days from now.

I know what you're thinking. All moms do that, or are supposed to do that. Making sacrifices for their children is almost an innate quality. I do know some moms who are selfish, though. My mom was selfish. I had to dress in hand-me-down clothing so she'd have money to go out with her friends. I remember my sneakers having holes in them and being embarrassed to go outside with my friends because of it. I couldn't have new ones because my mother said she didn't have the money. Yeah, right!!

I know other people who are selfish, too. They drive nice cars, have nice clothes, go out with friends, have up-to-date technology in their homes yet their kids are wearing clothing that doesn't fit or is stained and ripped. The kids have few toys to play with and what they do have it missing pieces or broken to some extent. I feel as bad for those kids as I do for my own.

I know I have the right to have a burger when I want one or a new pair of shoes when I need them. I just can't allow myself to follow through with what I want or need because I don't want to be selfish. I know, I'm not being selfish by getting a pair of shoes that I need. Logically I know that. I do, I promise you. But my heart tells me that it's wrong so I just wear the same sneakers I've got.

Maybe it's because I put such a negative connotation on the selfishness I see in other parents and what I saw in my own mother. I don't know but I would sure like to. Friends tell me all the time that I have the right to be selfish occasionally, that I deserve it. Okay, I listened and I got the message. I still can't do it. I can't get past the sadness I see in the faces of my kids when I have to deny them something. No, I don't spoil them and I don't give in to their every request. That's why the sadness hurts so much.

I didn't have very much at all growing up so I know exactly how my kids feel when they can't have something. It breaks my heart. And it breaks my heart to think of how they'd feel to go have a bowl of chocolate puffs and there weren't any left; or how they'd feel to find out I had a bag of M&Ms during the day and they didn't get one. If I ever do buy myself a little snack like that I always buy something for them so they can have it when they get home from school. I can't not buy them something because the guilt would eat at me. Why?

Why can't I make myself buy new socks because mine are worn out? Why can't I make myself eat the last of the leftovers for lunch because one of my kids may want to eat them for dinner? My kids have always come first and they always will but when I can't even eat a bowl of cereal because I'm afraid of disappointing one of them, that might be too extreme. Is it? Is it not? I don't know. Until someone can explain it to me I'll just eat a handful of pretzels and wear my sneakers until they fall apart completely and I'm forced to buy new ones.

Until next time... peace to all.