I Made It Through...

I made it through another Christmas. The stress began just around Halloween when stores began stocking Christmas shelves, right next to the Halloween shelves. I see Christmas and my nerves tense, my brain begins to race, my anxiety level rises and I get really, really, cranky - for the next seven weeks or so.

It's the same thing every year but this year was a little more rough than usual. My funds this year were extremely low because Rex had only made two child support payments since he started working in August so I was busy catching up on past-due bills and didn't have much left for gifts. My van is also still not running so any shopping I did this year had to be within walking distance unless I could get a neighbor to drive me across town. I tried to stay positive - everything would work out for us.

I signed up for Christmas assistance at Dolly's school and they came through for us. A friend had also signed up so she drove me up there on pick-up day to get the gifts for our kids. A friend sent me some money and another friend sent me a Walmart gift card - both big blessings for us. I asked a neighbor to drive me up to Walmart so I could get some shopping done and my kids were covered. It was going to be a lean Christmas but at least they had what they wanted off their lists.

Then a couple of teachers at Ty's school showed up with a pile of wrapped gifts for all of us. I was awed and shocked and so grateful I started to cry. A few days later they showed up again with more wrapped gifts for the kids that a group of high schoolers had gotten. More tears. My kids were going to have an awesome holiday and my stress level dropped a little.

Their grandfather and step-grandmother even sent each of the kids a Walmart gift card while their dad - Rex - sent absolutely nothing. Nor did his mother. Rex's excuse was that after he'd paid child support and for insurance for the kids his previous two paychecks only amounted to $200 combined. BULLSHIT!! He made more than that, he just didn't want to part with it for whatever his selfish reasons. I know it. You know it. Even Yellow Dog knows it.

It didn't matter, though. The universe had come through with lots of positives and bonuses for us and the holiday was a big success. All the kids were thrilled with their gifts and we had a great day. A HUGE thank you goes out to all the teachers, students, donors and, especially, the friends who were kind enough to help me this year. I'm grateful beyond words and will some day find a way to make it up to everyone whether I pay it back or pay it forward in your names.

My nerves have relaxed, my brain has stopped racing, my anxiety level has dropped drastically and my crankiness has vanished - at least until next Halloween. Right now I'm going to concentrate on keeping the positive going and just let go and enjoy the ride, and if I keep it up perhaps next Christmas won't be so stressful. Even if it is - and I know it won't be - I know I'll make it through just like I do every year.

Until next time... peace to all.

People, Get Over It or Move On

I was sitting here messing around on the computer and came across a link posted on Facebook from a page called Laugh and Smile. The link is a small slide show of ten bad habits of men that women don't like. You can see it here: 10 Bad Habits Women Can't Stand

I was watching the slide show I was getting kind of annoyed that women are so nit-picky over some seriously minor 'offenses' while I was also wondering who exactly made up the list. Was it one woman writing the article all on her own, based on her own dislikes? Did the author take a random poll of 100 different women? Did the author simply question her closest friends? Regardless of the method used, and I can only speak for myself, most of these are complete crap.

Let's discuss them, shall we?

1. Not listening.
Ladies, are you always listening when someone talks to you? I doubt it, and if you said you are, you're not being honest. I don't think any of us are always listening to anyone 100% of the time. If you don't like it when your guy isn't listening to you, maybe you needed to pick a better time to talk to him. I'm pretty sure he gets annoyed when you're not listening to him, too, so you have nothing to complain about.

2. Toe nail clippings on the coffee table.
I've never met a man who clips his toe nails in the living room and then leaves the clippings on the table. I'm sure they exist, I just don't know of any. If he does leave the clippings there does it really take that much effort to either ask him to get rid of them or to grab a tissue and do it yourself? It's not like he shit on the table so stop overreacting. I'll bet he doesn't like finding the cotton balls you used as toe spacers when you painted your nails all over the table either but is he throwing a hissy fit? No, he isn't. 

3. Ogling women.
Yes, this one I'll agree with. It's really rude and disrespectful for a man to ogle other women when he's out with his wife/girlfriend. I don't like it and would never disrespect my mate/date that way. Men, stop it. If you feel the need to look at other women, especially when you're out with a woman, perhaps the woman you're with is not the one for you. And I don't want to hear "It's human nature for guys to look." That's bullshit and you know it. That's just an excuse you all use to make up for your inability to keep your eyes on your own woman. Again - STOP IT!!

4. Screaming during the game.
I scream during hockey games. I yell at the refs for not seeing a penalty, I yell at the players to pass to the open man, and I cheer out loud when a goal is scored. People who are excited about sports do a lot of yelling. Granted, I'm not into every sport. I've also been with guys who are into every sport. I've been the "sports widow". However, when they were watching their sports I was doing something else. Ladies, rather than complain about your guy yelling at the TV why don't you just find something else to do? If you want to watch the sport with him, deal with the yelling, it won't kill you.

5. Cursing in traffic.
Okay ladies, how many of you never get angry when you're driving? How many of you have never cursed at another driver for any reason whatsoever? None of you? That's what I thought. Gimme a break, okay? Your dude screams at another driver and you can't stand it? Stop! Just stop! Is it really that big of a deal? I don't think so. Get over it, you've done it, too.

6. Hands down their pants.
Another one I have yet to seen done by any guy, other than Al Bundy, of course. However, if your man wants to sit on the sofa, watching his game, TV show or whatever and is comfortable sitting with his hand in the waistband of his pants who are you to tell him to stop? Why is it any of your business? It's who he is and you picked him. Maybe he's not always fond of the fact that he has to smell the nail polish that you insist on using in the living room while he's trying to relax. Leave him alone, he's just being himself the same way you're being yourself.

7. Spitting.
Yes, spitting is gross. I can't stand it, I don't do it, I get on my sons when they do it. It's disgusting to walk down the sidewalk and almost step in the glob of mucus that someone decided to deposit there as they went that way a few minutes before. However, it's not only men who spit, I've seen quite a few women spit, too. So why doesn't everyone just stop spitting and we'll all be fine.

8. Not putting down the toilet seat.
This one really grates on my nerves, and not the way you think it does. I tell my boys to put down the toilet seat - when they're in a public place or at someone else's house. The only reason I tell them that is because other people don't like the seat being left up. However, in our house I don't have a hard and fast rule about it. It takes me very little effort to put the seat back down if one of the boys left it up. And please don't go into the bullshit about "But if I get out of bed at night to use the bathroom I'm at risk of falling in if he left the seat up." Blah, blah, blah... Really? Is it so dark in your bathroom at night that you can see absolutely nothing at all? Are you walking with your eyes closed? Seriously ladies, if you're so afraid of falling into the toilet at night IF you happen to get up to pee perhaps you need to turn on the light in the bathroom. It's an easy concept to handle. Flip the switch up, light goes on. Happy peeing.

9. Hogging the TV remote.
If your dude has to have complete and total control of the remote at all times and is not the type to negotiate or share, you need a different guy. No joke. I've learned that if any guy is that selfish, then he needs to be alone. If, on the other hand, you want to be with him because of his other good qualities then shut up about the remote. Everyone has flaws, including you.

10. Whiskers in the sink.
This one is really annoying to me because it tells me that women really are nit-picky brats. Ladies you want to complain about his whiskers in the sink but do you clean your hair out of the drain after you take a shower? Or off the shower walls for that matter? Do you clean up the fallout that's left on the floor after you brush your hair? I know that when I brush my hair I look at the floor and whatever fell out is there, strewn across the tile. I lean down, swipe my hand over the floor and throw the hairball in the garbage. How many of you do that? My guess is very few of you. Here's what you do: take a cup of water and rinse the sink free of the whiskers. If it won't rinse, take some tissue and wipe it clean. It's not like you're having to re-tile the bathroom. Jeez!!

Listen people, I have my pet peeves also. I hate dirty dishes left in the sink. I can't stand it when my kids leave their belongings all over the house. I really don't like having to constantly replace the empty toilet paper or refill the empty water pitcher. But guess what!! It's not the end of the world in my house when I don't get my way. Yes, sometimes I get really angry because my kids are ignoring me but it's not a deal breaker. I still love them and I always will. The men I've had in my life have had faults too but things like the ones on this list weren't the center of my universe.

If you're with a guy and things like this bother you, you need to work on you and stop trying to change him. Nobody in this world is perfect and until you are you have no right to complain about things that are so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. If you really can't take it, find a different guy. Otherwise shut up, live life, and be happy.

Until next time... peace to all.

I Can't Wait!!

Money started flowing into my bank account today, just out of nowhere. Maybe it's the story I wrote that's selling like gangbusters and the advance I got for my next two books; maybe it's because I won the PCH giveaway; maybe it's because I got a fabulous work-from-home job that allows me to work my own schedule and still be available for the kids and their school functions. I don't know and it doesn't matter; the money is rolling in. So you know what I did?

I went out and bought a brand new SUV with power everything and drop-down televisions for the kids to watch when we're riding around because it also has wi-fi. It's got seating for seven and a fold-down rear seat so travel and toting is made easy. It's in a beautiful metallic teal color with tinted windows and grey interior, and it has a top-of-the-line stereo system with satellite reception. It's totally awesome.

I took the kids shopping to buy them new clothing since they really need it. New pants, shirts, socks, underwear, jackets, coats, and shoes. Everything from top to bottom. I also bought myself some new stuff since almost everything in my closet came from clothing pantries over the past few years, or was handed down to me by friends who were getting rid of their old stuff. All of us need and deserve new things and since I have the money I'm going on a shopping spree.

Tomorrow I'm having an architect friend design the house I want built for us. It's my dream house and I can afford it so I'm having it custom built. It'll be over here near us since the kids like their schools and have lots of friends. I'll just buy the plot of land, have my friend design the house and get it built. It's a beautiful house, too.

It's got five bedrooms on the upper level; one for each of us and one as a guest room. The boys' bedrooms will be connected by a jack-and-jill bathroom, as will Dolly's room and the guest room. I'll have my own master suite, because I want it and I can have it. At the end of the upstairs hall will be the laundry facilities hidden behind decorative closet-like doors. That way we can all do our laundry and not have to trudge up and down stairs carrying loads of laundry to be cleaned or put away.

The main floor will have an office for me to do my work, the work that's bringing in all the money suddenly. There will be a full dining room that will be used for special occasions and when we have company. There will be a living room with a fire place for us to hang out in and watch television or entertain guests. Rather than a den or a library, I'm going to put in a grown-up room, a room for me to entertain my friends. It'll have a television, a stereo system, a bar, a pool table and a dart board - big people games. And, of course, I'll have a guest bathroom on the main level. Nothing will be very ornate, though, because I like simple, clean lines.

The eat-in-kitchen will have plenty of cabinet space that will be filled with lots of new dishes and cookware. There will be a center island for food prep with a pot rack hanging above it for easy reach. It'll also have stainless appliances, including a dishwasher even though it probably won't get used all that often. There will be a double oven and a six-burner stove with a heating compartment below it to keep foods warm if they're finished earlier than the rest.

There will be room to the side or in the back of the cooking area with a table or breakfast nook where the kids and I can eat our meals together or just hang out and play a game every now and then. Beyond the eating area there will be a sliding glass door leading out to a deck that looks over the very spacious backyard, but I'll get to that later. I might even add a little breakfast bar on the other end of the kitchen where the kids or guests can sit to chat with me while I cook. And there will also be a butler's pantry to keep the kids' snacks and drinks so that they and their friends don't have to invade my kitchen constantly.

The basement will be the full size of the house and it'll be finished. Most of it will be for the kids to entertain their friends. Their toys will be down there, maybe a couple of gaming tables, too. They'll have a TV to play their video games and watch movies or videos and the couches will fold out for sleepovers so their bedrooms don't get wrecked. It'll be their space to have fun in and to take care of and that will include the bathroom down there that their friends will be using.

The smaller part of the basement will be a little workout room. It won't have to be very big but I want some equipment in there for exercising and room for me to do my yoga. It's hard to do now because my rooms here don't really have enough room to do much so a designated room would take away my excuses. I'll even put a TV in there so I can follow along with yoga videos, and I'll have a stereo to listen to music for when I'm utilizing the exercise machines.

Off the kitchen there will be a mud room that leads to the two-car garage that has loft storage. The garage will also lead to the backyard. It'll be a huge yard with an in-ground pool off the deck. There will be an area for climbing toys, swings and stuff like that for the kids and their friends. The side of the yard will be big enough for Zach and his friends to play football or baseball or whatever they choose that day and there will be a basketball hoop the other side on a patio area.

I'll furnish the house with all brand new items, nothing old will come with us for the basic reason that all but two pieces of furniture were handed down from friends and family, or purchased really cheap off of craigslist. The two that are my own came from my parents so those will come with us. The kids will decorate their own rooms, or choose what they want and a hired decorator will actually do the work. Each of them will have one wall in their rooms to utilize as either a chalk board, a white board or they can just use it to draw or paint their own special drawings on it. It'll give them an outlet for creativity.

It all sounds awesome right? It does, but it's not really happening anywhere other than my imagination for right now. However, there will come a day when all this will be mine because one day money will be pouring into my bank account regardless of how it gets there. When that day comes you'll all know because I'll refer to this post and just let you know that it's all coming true. Until then, I'll continue to dream all these fabulous dreams and stay on a positive track - because I can.

Until next time, peace to all.

When Does Too Young Become Old Enough?

I'm sorry in advance about running on tonight but there was just too much I wanted to say about this issue. Twice within the last three days there were posts on my Facebook news feed from two different mothers asking the same question: "My twelve-year-old daughter wants to get a belly button ring. What does everyone on here think?" Each one got a multitude of responses, some people saying it was fine but most saying the girls were too young.

Let me ask you this. When do our kids stop being 'too young' to make decisions for themselves?

Now, some of you are probably saying "Sixteen is a good age; kids become more responsible by then and are capable of making more mature decisions." Then others of you are probably saying, "When they're 18 and legally adults. Until then they are incapable of making any rational decisions without my input." Or even better, "When they move out of my house. Until then, it's my house so they follow my rules."

Those are all good theories or beliefs or whatever you want to call them; unfortunately, I have to disagree. I believe that kids need to be able to make a few decisions for themselves that we may not really like so they can learn from the consequences whether negative or positive. We all went through it with our own parents and I know I hated my mother always telling me what I could and couldn't do because she felt she knew what was best for me even though we disagreed on things I consider simple today.

For instance, I'm betting that you all allow your kids to pick out their own clothing in the morning, don't you? Of course we try to teach our kids to dress respectfully but if your kid walks out of the house wearing an orange shirt with purple shorts and green socks are you pulling him back in the house and forcing him to change his clothing? Probably not. My sister did that and though our mother didn't pull her back in the house she definitely made my sister feel bad about it.

You might also allow your kids to wear their hair they way they want, I'm sure. Whether your son wants to wear a Mohawk or your daughter wants to tip her braids in bright blue I'm guessing you're not exactly pleased with it but you don't stop them because it's their hair. You probably also don't control everything they eat or in what after-school activities they can participate. I'll bet you also allow them to make lots of other decisions for themselves without stepping in to correct them.

Yes, there are certain issues where we put our foot down solidly followed by a "Nope, not in my house." Daughters are not allowed to dress provocatively or wear too much make-up, sons are not allowed to sag their pants, and we don't allow them do spend their time participating in harmful activities. Those are the types of things that we teach our kids so they learn respect for themselves, respect for others, and to keep them from getting hurt. I have no problem with that.

I do have a problem, however, with the reasoning that children are always 'too young' for something they want. They're too young to have a sleepover at a friend's house, they're too young go to the mall with friends, they're too young for something as simple as a piercing. "A PIERCING IS NOT SIMPLE, ESPECIALLY A BELLY BUTTON PIERCING!! SHE'S TOO YOUNG!! THOSE ARE FOR GIRLS WHO WANT TO ATTRACT GUYS!!!" Really? I know of no 12-year-old girls who are so interested in boys that they feel they have to get their belly button pierced to attract one.

How many of you let your sons get one or both of their ears pierced before they were 12 years old? How many of you let your daughters polish their nails when they were five or wear even a little bit of make-up when they started Middle School? It's no different when you really think about it. A piercing is not permanent, the girls are not asking for tattoos. They're asking for a small adornment that you've probably already allowed them to have on their ears. It's also something that the girls may get rid of as they get older.

My now-11-year-old son, Zach, asked to get his ears pierced when he was five. He'd asked when he was four and, like you, I thought he was too young. When he asked again the next year, and kept asking, I thought about it and came up with two realizations for myself. 1) The earrings weren't permanent and they are his ears, not mine and 2) He needed to feel he had some control over his own body at some point in life. Why was I making him wait? I allowed him to get his ears pierced. He hardly ever wears them now.

Zach's older brother, Ty, hasn't wanted to cut his hair for about three years. Up until school ended last year his hair was just below shoulder length, long compared to all the boys he knows. Rex (their dad, my ex-husband) hated Ty's hair. "He needs to get a haircut!" My answer to him was almost the same as it was when he complained about Zach's earrings, "Sorry, it's his hair and he can wear it how he wants. Nobody tells you how to wear your hair." He didn't like it but he shut up about it.

When this past summer began Ty asked me to cut his hair a little shorter, so we did. It's now about four inches shorter than it was but still on the long side. Ty likes it, Rex still hates it, I don't care either way. It's not my decision to make, it's Ty's.

I've always tried to give my kids some freedom with their choices because I'd rather they learn to make reasonable and safe choices now, and learn from any mistakes, than have them make unreasonable and unsafe choices when they're older. The way I see it, if I try to control too much now, as soon as they're 'old enough' they'll run around making all kinds of choices that I disapprove of and that may not be all that safe simply because they can whether they've thought them through or not.

I've seen it happen with friends I grew up with and with the children of friends I have now. Mom or dad put their foot down way too much when the kids were young and as soon as they weren't looking and the kids were 'old enough' the kids were out causing and getting into trouble, so much so that it ruined their lives. No joke.

These days I see pre-teens walking around with their own cell phones - don't say it's for safety, I didn't have a cell phone when I was a kid because there weren't cell phones and I always knew how to call home if I needed to. I also see pre-teens with their own social network pages - Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all the rest. Parents will allow their children the freedom to use technology where they can interact with friends as well as strangers yet Mom and Dad won't allow a piercing where the only one who's affected is the kid getting pierced. It's amazing to me.

I'm not saying that we have to give in to everything our kids want but we do need to put some thought into it rather than simply saying no all the time just because we think our kid is too young. Constantly saying no creates resentment and rebellion in the kids and there's always a battle of the wills between parent and child. If we give in on a few things now, things that aren't harmful to anyone involved, our kids will be more likely to come to us to get our opinions on big decisions later in life. I don't know how you feel about that but it's certainly something I'd like.

Until next time... peace to all.

Let's Catch Up

I can't believe it's been so long since I've been here. I guess that's what happens when it's summer and the kids are here all day long with their friends in tow. My mind just turns to mush and nothing comes to mind that I feel like posting. Eh, that's alright. Let's just catch up now, shall we?

First things first, Rex (the ex) finally got a job and started this past Monday. I'd have thought he'd have gotten one a helluva lot sooner but I was way off on that. If you recall, he left Missouri sometime in March to go live with a cousin in North Carolina and ended up staying in the extra room of the cousin's neighbor. So much was happening to the poor guy that he just couldn't find a job. Too many obstacles were in his way. Make sure you read those last two lines with lots of sarcasm.

The lady lending him the room threw him out at the beginning of July because he wasn't contributing to the bills so his family sent him bus fare to move back to Long Island where he's been since July 4th. He's living with his mom and had his new girlfriend - you heard me right, his new girlfriend (that's 10 in almost as many years) - drive him back to North Carolina a couple of weeks ago to pick up the remainder of his things - his car, which he left because it wasn't tagged; his giant tool boxes; all his sundries.

He's got all of his belongings now, and his car, and finally found a job but he's telling me he needs to have the child support modified because he's not making as much money as when we first got divorced. He said he'll up it again as soon as he starts making more money. Whatever!! As long as I start getting child support life can be a lot less stressful for the kids and me. I won't have to be on cash assistance anymore and our bills won't be behind.

The kids are happy about it but Zach still won't speak to Rex and Dolly doesn't want to speak to him now either. All this time Rex thought it was because he didn't have a job but what he doesn't realize is that it's a lot more that they don't like than the money issue. He'll learn one of these days - I hope.

But enough about him. School started today for the kids and I think I'm more excited than they are. We've been together every single day since last July when Children's Division wouldn't let Rex see the kids anymore and I had to get supervised visitation for him. I need the break to enjoy some nice quiet time for a while each day while they're in school.

This week they only go Thursday and Friday so I won't get any real breaks until next week when they're gone every day. It was nice today, though, just sitting here listening to the quiet for about six hours. I even got to shower without having someone knocking on the door to ask me a question. It's the little pleasures that I enjoy.

Once the kids got home things were back to the way they've been for the past six weeks - noisy, kids arguing, friends in and out of the house. It was like it never stopped. I can't complain, though, they all had a good day meeting their new teachers and making some new friends. Of course they're all nervous thinking they might not do well but they always do so I'm not worried.

I'm never really worried about them and now that things are settling down with Rex I can worry less about other issues, too. I don't really ever need to worry, though, because everything always works out for me. :) 

Stand and Be Proud

I went to the high school on Thursday to watch a play that was being put on by the sophomores. The play was "Kilroy Was Here" and it was quite entertaining. The kids did a great job with the acting and the songs they sang were wonderful. The audience was made up mostly of middle school kids and their teachers with a few parents scattered throughout, and all of the kids were behaving respectfully. It was really nice.

During the final number the entire cast was singing a song and about halfway through it military flags were lowered from the stage ceiling; one for each branch of the U.S. military. Cast members invited audience members to stand if they'd like to honor someone who had served or is serving in the different branches as each branch was called in turn. I stood for the army and the navy as I have relatives and friends who've served in each. Others in the audience stood, too, as each branch was named.

Then something happened that made me sad. The audience was invited, by the cast, to join them in singing America the Beautiful. I, along with about five other adults, stood up during the singing of the song. Dolly was there with me, as was Ty since his class was also part of the audience. They stood with me because I told them standing was the proper thing to do, but other than us and the few other adults, not one other person stood during the song. 

Furthermore, very few of the adults were singing and none, I repeat, NONE of the kids knew any of the words to the song. Not one of them. They were all looking around at those of us who were standing and singing and they were snickering and whispering as if we were doing something wrong. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this scenario or is it just me?

I learned The Star-Spangled Banner, America the Beautiful and God Bless America when I was in grade school. Wrongly, I assumed my kids would have learned them, too, and was surprised when they didn't know the words. How come kids today don't know these songs? Even if they don't know all the words, how come they don't know to stand and remove their hats during the singing of a patriotic song? At a field day toward the end of the school year the national anthem was played and while everyone rose - because it was requested over the loud speakers - I saw only three people remove their baseball caps while the rest just continued to wear them - children and adults alike.

I know everything may not be perfect in this country right now, and it probably never will be, but it makes me sick to think that children are no longer being taught in schools to be patriotic about the country in which they live, and to be proud of the military that fights for the freedoms we're afforded. I do what I can at home but if I knew the schools had opted out of teaching even the basic patriotic songs I'd have taught them to my kids on my own.

I guess everyone is too worried about offending people that come here from other countries and stepping on their feelings by teaching these time-honored songs to children in school. It's either that or the common core crap has taken over to the point that the government doesn't even think kids need to learn them. When I was in school not only did we learn the songs but we sang them, along with other songs, during school concert presentations.

Not only do we need to stop worrying about offending immigrants but we also need to stop turning our children into the test-taking machines that common core requires and spend a little more time teaching all children to be proud of where they live, whether they were born here or not. Without the liberties that we have in the United States these kids might not have the right to an education at all. We need to make sure they know that, and that they're proud to be Americans. I know I am, and I'll definitely make sure my kids are.

Until next time... peace to all.

Oh, You're Poor? Sorry, You Don't Count

We poor people don't matter; we don't count in the grand scheme of health care professionals. You know why? Because we're POOR!! I know that for a fact, and I'll tell you why.

At the beginning of the month I posted about not being able to find a dentist that would fill a hole in my tooth. Remember? I have very little insurance coverage so it took me a week and numerous phone calls to finally get someone to look at my tooth and fix it. As it turned out, when I went to the dentist, I didn't have a hole in my tooth. She said it was nothing a good cleaning couldn't fix. Great! My insurance - Healthcare USA, issued by the State - covers x-rays and a cleaning at no cost to me. I made an appointment for today to return and have the cleaning done.

Between my initial appointment and today I made a few other phone calls to different dentists, ones that were a little closer in distance, to see if I could make the appointment with one of them and save myself the cost of gas. I don't remember how many places I called but every receptionist told me that they only take government insurance for kids and pregnant women. Huh? That doesn't make any sense but, whatever. So I kept my original appointment.

When I made the appointment I told the lady at the desk about my insurance. She 'okay'ed me. When I called yesterday to confirm the appointment I told her again about my insurance. She 'okay'ed me again and confirmed the appointment. All was well and I was getting the services recommended by the dentist.

I got up this morning, got gas, and drove across town to the dentist. I walked in, signed in and handed the receptionist my insurance card. She and the other woman behind the desk looked at my insurance card and asked if the appointment was for me. "Yes, it's for me. Why?" "Oh, we don't take this insurance for adults, only for kids." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I told them about my insurance twice and was 'okay'ed twice. As soon as I walk in they tell me they don't accept my insurance? I was ANGRY!! I looked directly at the lady holding my card, snatched it out of her hand, looked at the other lady, held my temper and said, "I guess if you don't have money you're not allowed to get dental care." Then I turned and walked out leaving them both standing there staring at me with their mouths agape.

 My kids and I all have the exact same insurance. I'm allowed to keep them healthy, but I'm not allowed to keep myself healthy. I can take my kids to the doctor to get any medical services needed, at no cost to me. I can take them to the dentist and get any dental services needed at no cost to me. I can get medical for myself, for the time being, but I can't get any dental services for myself. Once my ex starts paying child support again I won't even qualify for insurance at all so I won't have medical at that point either. I'll have to go back to the clinic and pay on a sliding scale. If I don't have the $25 in hand, I won't be seen by a doctor. The dentist at that clinic has a $40 up-front cost before I can be seen. A lot of poor people, like me, don't always have cash lying around because we're too busy paying bills and raising kids.

You'd think that people who decide to become dentists and doctors would actually give a shit about all people, not just the select few who can afford insurance coverage with cash left over to make the co-pays. Apparently they don't, though. With the exception of a very few, most doctors and dentists don't care about anyone who doesn't walk through the door with an insurance policy that will pay them $300 or more for a 20-minute visit/procedure. I know for a fact that they won't provide preventive services to any not-pregnant adult who can't pay, even if that person has insurance to cover the cost of said preventive treatment. Seems like the professionals are just focused on the money and kickbacks they receive from insurance and pharmaceutical companies. They don't really care about keeping poor people healthy regardless of what they tell you.

I'm so tired of having doctors and dentists tell me that I can't be seen because I don't have the right insurance coverage and no cash in the bank. As far as I'm concerned they're just a bunch of greedy, prejudicial assholes who work for themselves and don't give a shit about anyone who doesn't have thousands of dollars on hand. If they want me to believe they do care they can change their policies; maybe then I'll change my opinion of them. I highly doubt that will happen, though. The way I see it, they all suck, but because I'm poor, my opinion, much like myself, probably doesn't matter to them.

Until next time... peace to all.

Gotta Remember Not To Forget

Friday. House cleaning day. I put my cleaning music playlist on my phone, stick the ear buds in my ears and clean in peace while the kids are in school. I sing, dance and just have a good time doing my chores. While I was cleaning the upstairs bathroom I remembered that I needed something from Dollar General and told myself I'd get it later in the day. I kept cleaning.

I did the upstairs bathroom, the downstairs bathroom, started on the kitchen, accidentally got locked in the basement when my tool kit, which sits behind the basement door, fell over and blocked the door shut. I could only open the door about six inches and had to, quite literally, squeeze, twist and wiggle to get myself through the small opening. I did it, all was well. I continued cleaning.

I got the kitchen done, then the living room and finally got to take my shower. I came back downstairs just as the boys were walking in from summer school. My chores were finished. I did have to make a trip to the smoke shop because my lighter was almost out but it wasn't urgent so I sat on the sofa, chatted with Ty and Zach and just relaxed a bit. Then I remembered that I needed something from Dollar General. Oh shit!! What was it?

I knew that I needed toilet cleaner but that was in the dollar aisle so that wasn't it. I knew it wasn't because when I thought of the other thing the first time I remember telling myself that the item was about $3. CRAP!! What the fuck was it that I needed? Grrr...

My friend Marty tried giving me suggestions over Skype messaging but he didn't hit on it because he wasn't suggesting cleaning supplies. I went over my steps of cleaning the upstairs bathroom to see if that sparked my memory. I was cleaning the vanity... what was it? Spray cleaner? No, I have plenty of that. Not soap. Not shampoo. Not sponges. FUCK!!! I figured I'd just walk the store until I remembered so I asked Ty if he wanted to walk to the store with me and we headed out the door.

We got to Dollar General and I was mentally going through my list picking up the stuff I knew I needed - toilet cleaner times two, scented candles, tape, smokes and a lighter, but what was that other thing? It's not difficult to remember something that I need that I use all the time, especially when I'm cleaning. That's why I need it because we've been out for a while. Shit!! I couldn't remember and nothing on the shelves of cleaning supplies gave me any hint so Ty and I just headed to the register.

The cashier was ringing up my items and an older woman was putting hers on the counter behind mine. Just as the cashier finished ringing up my stuff and I ran my card through the machine I just glanced at the woman's purchases and burst out laughing. She had two rolls of aluminum foil. Fuck me!! That's what I needed. Yep, it was foil. REALLY!!?? You remind me as I'm leaving? Oh well, too bad. I'll go back to the store another day. A line had formed behind me and I wasn't about to wait on it for a roll of foil.

I know, foil has nothing to do with cleaning and why I thought of it while I was cleaning the bathroom I have no idea. I guess next time I'm cleaning and remember that I need something I'll either write it down or make a mental note that it has to do with cooking and not cleaning. Maybe that'll make it easier to jar my memory. If not, I'll just walk the store again but instead of scanning the shelves, I'll scan what other people are buying. If I get lucky one of them will have what I've forgotten. :)

Until next time... peace to all.

If You Don't Ask, They Won't Tell

I'm wondering how people work these days when they don't know how to do their jobs, or rather, when they don't have all the information needed to properly help a client. I just spent the week talking to seven different people at four different agencies to get information to solve the same exact problem. Only three of those people had any real information that could help me.

I woke up Monday morning with a hole in one of my teeth and it needs to be filled. I called the main office of the clinic I use for medical reasons because they have dental care also, and they're income-based so it's inexpensive. I asked if my local clinic had dental or if I'd have to go into Kansas City to have the work done. My local clinic does provide dental care but only on Thursdays and Fridays and none of the locations are taking new appointments unless I want to schedule one for September. I was told I could go on Thursday as a walk-in client and wait to find out if the dentist could see me. Okay, I could do that. I did, and that's where it all started.

They open at 8:30 so I arrived a little after 8:00 with a few people already there. When the doors opened we all found out that they only take three walk-ins a day and there were four people ahead of me - basically I was shit out of luck. I went home and complained to the main office because I wasn't told on Monday that I needed to be there at 6:00 in the morning to even have a chance of getting seen. The girl I spoke with apologized and referred me to Clinic B. That place is also income-based but they were still going to charge me $70 to do the work. Fuck that!!

Clinic B lady referred me to Agency C where the director is a friend of mine. Nice. I felt better. I called and the #1 prompt sent me to Director's voice mail where his message said he couldn't return phone calls but the receptionist would and she'd answer any questions. I left Recept a message but never got a call back from her. I had to call her back later in the day. I told her the problem but she said the only thing they could do was extract my tooth because that's all the agency supplying the funds would cover. I was in tears. Why do I need to have a tooth pulled when it would be easier to just fill it?

Recept referred me directly to the agency that supplies the funds and said maybe they could send me to a place that could help. I called. Fund lady listened patiently as I explained, through my tears and squeaky voice, what the problem is and then she replied that her agency doesn't only pay for extractions, that they'll pay for whatever work needs to be done. Fund lady told me to call Agency C back again and speak to Director, she mentioned him by name so I told her that I've known him for eight years. She said he'd be the one to speak with because he's the one who issues the dental vouchers and that he'd refer me to one of the clinics they fund, one of them being Clinic B. WOW!! A BIG sigh of relief from me. I thanked her profusely and called Agency C back again and left Director a voice mail that I'd be seeing him this morning.

The main phone message at Agency C says that they open at 8:00 so I was there a few minutes after that. Recept was there and I told her what I needed, and I mentioned that I'd like to get the voucher to Clinic B since it was close to home. She told me they don't work with Clinic B and that Director didn't arrive at work until 9:00. FUCK!!! I'm wasting gas driving all over town because nobody will give me all the information I need. I left because I had another errand I could run and returned a little after 9:00. I got to speak with Recept - again. I repeated the problem for the third time to her and, again, she told me that they only do extractions. Um, no, I spoke with Fund lady yesterday and she said they'll pay for whatever work needs to be done.

Recept actually looked at me like I had two heads and left to go speak to Director to make sure I wasn't bullshitting her. HAH!! I'm right, you're wrong!! She came back looking all ashamed and allowed me to complete the necessary paperwork. I wonder how many other people Recept turned away in the past who didn't get the dental care they needed because she doesn't know what's what. A lot of those people probably weren't told to call Fund lady, either. Anyway, I waited for about 45 minutes before Director called me into his office to do whatever he needed to do to print my dental voucher. I asked and, yes, they do work with Clinic B - I was right again, Recept - but he was sending me to an even closer place. YAY!!

I came home to make the appointment and even the receptionist at the dental office didn't know that Fund lady's agency would pay for something other than pulling my tooth. She was very polite and excited to make the appointment for me but was really surprised when I gave her that little tidbit of information. She smiled through the phone and said she'd see me Monday morning at 9:15. I've never been so excited to see a dentist in my life. I can't wait.

Here's a little tip. If you need something done for yourself, make sure you ask every question possible to get all the information up front; I don't care how long you have to keep the person on the phone. All the referrals I got yesterday were because I asked each person I spoke with to refer me to someone who could help, not because they offered - none of them but Fund lady, anyway. Unfortunately, not all the people I spoke with had correct information, nor did they offer what they did know, but that's my fault because I didn't ask enough questions. You can bet, though, that from now on I will. I'll ask so many questions people will start volunteering information just to get me to stop talking. And if you know me at all, you know I'll make that happen. :)

Until next time... peace to all.

I'll Find What I Need, Because I Said So

It's been six months now that my ex lost his job and hasn't paid child support; six months that I've had to be back on cash assistance from the State; and four months that I've been required to do the job searches and volunteer work that the State requires to help me.I must say that I'm really getting sick of it.

They turned my school volunteer work into a job. Something that I used to look forward to doing has now become a chore. Don't get me wrong, I love helping at the school, I just don't like that fact that I'm supposed to be there on a schedule every week rather than being able to go when it's convenient for me. On top of that I have to do a required amount of job searching every week and I have to log every job I apply to and turn in the job search logs every Friday. Between the two - volunteering and job searching - I have to get in 30 hours a week, that's 120 hours a month of 'work' for the State so they can pay me $342 a month in assistance. Do the math. I'm working for the State for a whopping $2.85 an hour!!!! That's a great living wage, don't you think?

What's really pissing me off is that the only places that want to hire me are retail outlets who only have part-time, minimum-wage openings working nights and weekends. Do the math on that. Working 25 hours a week after taxes I'm not left with much more than the State is giving me now. Not to mention that I'd have to pay someone to watch my kids so I'd end up with even less. Ty is old enough to stay by himself during the day but Zach and Dolly need someone around to keep a handle on everything, and none of them can stay alone at night.

Nobody wants to hire me for day jobs because I'm considered over qualified. I've been working in an administrative capacity for over 20 years and nobody wants to pay more than $10 an hour. The last job I held, before Ty was born, I was making $13 and hour and that was almost 13 years ago. I'm still applying for jobs, though, and not getting any responses. My only reasoning is that employers don't think I'll accept the low wage they're offering but I'm not even being given a chance to discuss it. I've actually received emails telling me that my qualifications don't meet the company's needs when the jobs I applied to are for the same work I've always done.

What's more difficult is that even if I did get a full-time day job there isn't one employer out there that gives a rat's ass that I'm the only one here for my kids. If one, or all of them, gets sick I'd lose money having to stay home, and since my kids don't all get sick on the same day I'd risk losing the job having to take numerous days off to tend to my kids.

I've got a Bachelor of Science degree in Paralegal Studies but can't get a job as a paralegal because I don't have the requisite two - 10 years of experience that most attorneys and companies are seeking. We've all said it before. "How do I get the experience if I can't get the job first?" It doesn't make any sense to me. I've even offered to freelance paralegal work to no avail. It would save the attorneys a bundle in overhead if I just picked up the work, brought it home, did it and returned it but nobody wants that.

I'm self-disciplined and organized enough to work from home doing whatever I can but nobody is willing to give me a chance to prove that because they won't discuss anything with me. I send in a resume and either hear nothing or hear that I'm not what they're looking for. What the fuck do employers want? I don't know because they're not telling me. All I can surmise is that they want someone who's new to the work force, willing to accept a low wage, and willing to be trained the way the employer wants him or her trained. Someone like me, someone who's got a long history of experience with numerous qualifications is being tossed aside because I do a good job, require little to no training, and want to get paid a fair wage for the work I do.

You know what? It's not my fault they don't want me, it's theirs, and it's their loss. I'm going to keep looking and someone will come through with a great job for me. Everyone who's passed on me so far will still be looking for someone months from now because they'll have to keep replacing whoever they find when that person doesn't work out just right. I, on the other hand, will find exactly what I'm looking for at a decent wage to raise my kids and pay my bills, and the company will be family friendly and will understand that my kids come before all else. You know how I know? Because I said so. Things have always worked out for me in the past and they will this time too.

Until next time... peace to all.

I'm a Pain? Okay, If You Say So.

It's been six weeks since I've been here, that's a long time. I keep wanting to be here but by the time I get done with my chores and my kids I just don't have the energy at the end of the evening. Sorry about that. It happens, right? Well I'm here now and that's because I'm aggravated. Zach told me a few minutes ago that I need to "go die in a hole" because "you're a pain."

I'm a pain. I'll tell you why he thinks that. I've been on all my kids lately to keep their belongings picked up and put away because I'm tired of seeing it and I'm tired of having to be the one to clean up after them, especially when I do the house cleaning on Fridays. Over spring break I had each of them clean a section of the house that I usually clean so they'd know what it was like for me. I was going to walk them through every step I take to get the house clean.

Zach had both bathrooms and started out okay but ended up complaining that his back hurt from all the bending and sweeping of the stairs. Then Dolly had to clean the kitchen and was upset that she had to start by washing all the dirty dishes that she and her brothers had left in the sink the few days prior. "Why do I have to wash them when they're not mine?" Gee, I say that same thing every Friday. Ty had the living room and was saying, "Oh, this isn't so bad," until I got nit-picky with him about not picking up this or that and not dusting completely.

None of the kids were happy with all the work they had to put in on the one section of the house that they had to clean. Imagine if I'd have made each of them clean the entire house. For a couple of days they were really good about keeping everything picked up and put away but that faded over time. For the past few days I've been really annoyed because I cleaned on Friday for Dolly's birthday and party on Saturday and you can't even tell now that I did any cleaning.

All the kids have messes in the living room, their rooms, MY room, the bathrooms, and the kitchen. I've asked repeatedly for them to pick up their things and I always get the same answer, "I will." It's really frustrating walking around the house and having to walk over something or push something else out of the way. Now, though, I've had enough of it and that's why Zach got mad at me. 

I went in the kitchen this evening to make dinner and I was finding their toys and games and whatnot all over the kitchen. I asked Zach to pick up the Monopoly game he was playing last night and he said he didn't take it out. I reminded him that he was the one who asked if his friends could come in a play Monopoly and that I'd like the game picked up. According to Zach, "Dolly was the one who actually took it out so she should put it away." Oh really? Fine. I picked up the game and tossed it on the floor in the living room along with everything else that was on the table that didn't belong. I wasn't about to have to question who left this or that where it didn't belong so it all went.

I started to go into my speech about how tired I am of them just leaving things around the house and not caring that I'm the one who has to clean it up every week. Then I stopped mid-sentence, looked around the room, threw up my hands, told them to make their own dinner, grabbed my belongings and came upstairs to my room. When I came up here I remembered that Zach left his mattress on my floor from last night. He's scared of a video he watched and didn't want to sleep in his own room.

I yelled downstairs that he needed to get his stuff out of my room or it was going to go flying down the stairs. That's when he yelled at me. "I KNOW! I'M GOING TO PICK IT UP! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO DIE IN A HOLE! YOU'RE A PAIN!" I'm a pain?! I'm the one constantly being ignored and I'm the one having to clean up messes and wash dishes that aren't mine. I'm also the one who gets asked for a dollar for ice cream at lunchtime on Wednesdays, I'm the one who lets them have friends spend the night on weekends, I'm the one who buys little gifts and snacks just because, I'm the one who drives to baseball practice, I'm the one who goes on field trips and brings lunch to school on birthdays, I'm the one who offers hugs when they're needed, I'm the one who gives up my private space when nightmares are on the horizon, and I'm the one everyone runs to when they want or need something but I'M A PAIN because I want my home to look nice and I want my kids to follow rules and be responsible for their own belongings.

Well, this PAIN has had enough so I'm going to sit in my room by myself and not allow anyone else in here for any reason. I'm going to let the kids figure out what that problem is and why I'm not allowing them to be in my company. And I'm going to continue to come up to my room every afternoon when they return home from school. I'm done talking, asking, yelling, arguing and being called names. Something's gotta give, and it's not going to be me. I know, I'm a pain that way.

Until next time... peace to all.

Same Old, Same Old

Did you miss me? Sure you did, you know you did. I'm sorry I haven't been here but there hasn't been much to tell over the past couple of weeks. Everything is just moving forward day by day. The kids go to school, I do my work for Ursula, and I'm doing what I have to do for the FEC because I'm still getting cash assistance.

I haven't been able to do the volunteer work because my van is still without an alternator and the system is slow at helping me get it repaired. I'm one step closer, though, because after making an assertive yet polite phone call to my case manager the other day and then talking to someone else I know in the agency they may be able to combine their resources to get my van up and running. I'll find out on Monday.

I've had to beg rides off of friends and neighbors to do anything that was further than a mile or two from the house, otherwise I walk. Sometimes one of the kids will come with me, other times I go by myself while they're at school. It's good exercise and I don't mind walking but when it's below freezing outside it's a bit much. Luckily I've been able to get groceries from the local dollar store for the past two weeks but today I did ask my neighbor to take me to the supermarket. We're supposed to have a snow storm this weekend and a few little items wouldn't have helped; I needed a larger supply of food and multiple trips in knee-deep snow over the weekend was out of the question.

My ex-husband moved out of state last Sunday; he moved to NC to stay with his cousin until he gets on his feet. How long that will take I have no idea. He's got certain patterns that he tends to follow and he's already fallen into them in the past six days. He's been gone almost a week and has only texted to the kids twice; he bought us all gifts before he left but hasn't offered any cash; and he's spent the first week there not doing anything with regard to looking for work. That's him and I can't change him. C'est la vie, right?

I, on the other hand, have had a few offers from retail outlets offering me jobs at minimum wage, part time, working nights and weekends. Unfortunately, that won't work for me. Part-time minimum-wage work won't pay even part of my bills when I'd have to pay someone to watch my kids nights and weekend days. I'd literally be working to pay for child care.

I did have one decent offer from an online tutoring company. It was still part time but it paid more than minimum wage and I'd be working from home during the hours my kids were in school. Nice, right? I thought so until they screwed up the times on their own training sessions that they assigned me to - twice in three days. Imagine that. After the second screw-up I didn't feel at all comfortable working for a company that could make such serious errors with their own training classes.

What would happen when they gave me the wrong time for a tutoring session and I showed up late or not at all? Or when my pay wasn't deposited when it was supposed to be? Too many questions were running through my head about their ability to efficiently run the company even though all the reviews I'd read said it was a good company to work for. I called and emailed HR about it and never got a response, and even when I emailed again to tell them I wouldn't be working for them I didn't get a response. Nice company, eh? So I'm back at square one but at least I'm trying.

It's all good, though, because I know everything will work out the way it's supposed to, it always does. Regardless of what my ex does with his time at least I know I'm doing what I have to do for my kids and me and I'm happy about that and proud of myself. With him gone my kids are less stressed and Zach, the one who hurts the most over it, has had a few outbursts but has bounced back easier this time than the last three times my ex left the kids. Zach's still upset about it but he knows I'll be here for him no matter what.

So that's basically it for the past couple of weeks. Nothing exciting, just one day running into the next. When I come back in a couple of days I'm hoping to have good news to report. I woke up in a really good mood today so I know positive change is coming my way and I can't wait to tell you all about it. Everything is falling into place. "I know it. You know it. Even Yellow Dog knows it." (If you don't understand the reference, JFGI ;) )

Until next time... peace to all.

If This is You Pay Close Attention

Say you have kids who live with your ex-spouse and that a lot of shit went down over the past twelve years that was basically the result of your poor actions. You went on way too many drunken rampages toward your significant others, your ex, and your kids; you got arrested for domestic violence at least three times with three different women (one of them being your ex-spouse), and one of those arrests was a mere six months ago; you lost two jobs because of poor, and possibly illegal, choices, with one of those jobs lost within the past three months; you moved from one significant other to the next (say, nine in nine years); and your kids are afraid of you and don't want to be around you without your ex there to make them feel protected.

Now say you were given notice over two months ago that your ex filed for and was granted sole custody of the kids with supervised visitation for you. Would you say your ex had the right to file for the modifications? I would because your ex probably had no choice in the matter. Not only is your past unstable but you are volatile with an alcohol addiction that compounds the danger; and Children's Division was called on you twice within a two-month span and the caseworker recommended the custody and visitation modifications because of your behavior and the DV arrest.

I know some of you are saying, "If that was me then, Hell yes, my ex had the right to request those modifications. I wouldn't deserve to be with my kids and I'd clean up my act immediately! I'd visit my kids every chance I got and just accept the circumstances as they are because I deserve it after behaving the way I have." And that would be what any reasonable person would say. I would hope so, anyway. Now let's add to that, shall we?

Not only have you not seen your kids but a mere five times for just a few minutes each time since the summer because Children's Division didn't want you around them unsupervised, but you have yet to set up any of the supervised visitations with the agency on call. You claim you've called the caseworker but that she isn't calling you back when your ex-spouse knows she is. Basically you're making excuses because you're not comfortable with someone watching you with your kids. I say TOO FUCKING BAD!! Some of you may agree, some may disagree. That's okay and we're going to add just a little bit more to this scenario, yet again.

Within the past few months you haven't found another job so you're not paying child support for your children, and you've recently moved in with your most current significant other. Mind you, this is just six months after losing the previous mate because of the third DV arrest and only three months after starting the dating process with the current mate. And let's not forget the one you had between these two that only lasted three weeks. Does anyone see anything wrong with this picture? I do, and if this is you, allow me give you some advice.

You're fucked up and you need serious help!! Don't text or call your ex asking if you can have your kids for an over-nighter in a house with your new mate and the mate's kids, none of whom your kids have ever met. Don't ask your ex for the 'favor' of you taking your kids out to lunch and/or a movie when you get your tax return. Your mate can't grant you that because visitation has to be SUPERVISED!! Not only that, but your kids don't want to see you alone. Don't act like you're a part of their lives simply because you get messages from their schools telling you what events are taking place when. The schools can't let you volunteer because nobody would know if you walked out the door with one of your kids in tow. The kids don't want you there anyway, they're afraid of you.

Try this instead. Get a fucking job and resume your child support payments, get some serious counseling and alcohol rehab, quit blaming everyone but yourself for your fucked-up choices and actions, stop all the generic apologies and start being specific to your kids and your ex-spouse, schedule the supervised visitation like you're supposed to and show your kids that you give a shit. The 'good night, sweet dreams' texts are beyond old; most of the time the kids don't even respond but your ex is kind enough to, at least, text back to you that the kids said goodnight to you even when they didn't. Grow up, get yourself together, be the adult you're supposed to be and maybe, just maybe, you can mend the fences you've broken with your kids. It's not a guarantee but you've gotta fucking start somewhere, right? Right. Now step up or go away.

Oh, and that tax return you're expecting? You won't be getting it. See, you forgot that when your ex-spouse was resigned to applying for cash assistance yet again because of you, the State now has to be paid back. So the State will get part of your tax return and your ex will get the balance of it to make up for a portion of the child support arrearages. I just thought you'd want to know.

Until next time... peace to all.

Whose Project is it Anyway?

When I went to school 30+ years ago things were different than they are today - a LOT different. If we were assigned a report to do, we did it ourselves. Once or twice a week our class went to the school library to collect data for our reports. When we had all the information we needed we wrote an outline and then the report all by hand. In lower grades - fourth, fifth, and sixth - we may have used pictures from magazines or hand-drawn pictures to add to the report, sometimes just to take up space, other times because illustrations were required. Once the report was written we bound it with a staple in the corner. Again, in lower grades, we generally used colored construction paper for the front and back covers. All the work was done by the students, though.

Our parents had no responsibility or involvement in our reports back then. That's not even close to how it works today and, I must say, it really irritates me. Zach came home a few weeks ago with a Science assignment. He had to do an experiment or demonstration of some sort. He chose his topic and he showed me the packet of papers his teacher had given him regarding what parts of the project were due on which days and he got to work - but not without my help.

No, I didn't do the project for him but he couldn't even get started without note cards which I had to purchase even after I'd purchased three packs of them at the beginning of the year for his required school supplies list. Now he needed more. We got the cards and he sat down at the computer in our kitchen and started his research. Kids who don't have computers at home have to be driven to the public library by their parent to do their research. How fair is that, I ask you? Anyway, since this report requires a bibliography Zach had to make sure he noted the web sites from which he got his information. He didn't know how to do that because they're not taught that in Computer Class or in their Media Center class. The Media Center is what we old folks affectionately call "The Library."

I had to teach Zach what exactly he needed for his bibliography from the web sites and it sucked. If they want it in school they're supposed to teach it in school but they left that up to the parents. What gives? After we got that information straightened out Zach collected his facts and wrote them on the note cards as required. He turned them in to his teacher who made whatever corrections needed to be made and Zach was on to the next step.

His teacher printed out an outline that she wanted the kids to use for their projects and when Zach came home with his and showed it to me I was dumbfounded. It sounded like a second-grade "See Spot Run" report. His teacher had literally broken down the report sentence by sentence. Topic sentence for the first paragraph... Second sentence for the first paragraph... and so on all the way through the fifth paragraph. I kid you not.

Then it had to be typed up into a paper. Typed up... What happened to writing a paper by hand? It's only five paragraphs for criminy's sake. Five little paragraphs and the teachers want them typed. The kids who don't have computers at home have to go back to the public library yet again, driven by their parent, to type up their reports and pay to print them. Yes, it's only a dime per page to print but it's also gas money getting to and from, and time spent by the parent waiting for junior to finish the work.

Zach got his paper typed, with my assistance, because apparently the typing they do in Computer Class isn't really teaching kids how to type and it would have taken Zach forever. The five paragraphs took me all of, maybe, ten minutes and I needed my laptop back to finish my own work. Ty was using the desk top so we really didn't have a choice. Since I had no way to print the report - no ink in my printer - I emailed it to his teacher for her to print it, which she did.

Lastly, Zach needed either poster board or a tri-fold panel to set up the project and he also needed pictures to go along with it. Of course I had to purchase the tri-fold because the school doesn't supply those. And I can't print from here so it was either go to the public library and pay $.50 each picture to use the color printer or I send the pictures to Walgreens and let the photo girl print the pictures for $.20 each. I chose the latter because the store is closer than the library and the pictures cost less. Yes, they're only 4x6 but that'll have to do unless the school wants to pay for them to be bigger.

Tomorrow I get to go to the management office here where I live to use the computer lab to print the captions to the pictures. Zach and I wrote, sorry, typed them up tonight in a Word document that I emailed to myself so that I can retrieve them in the lab and print them. When he gets home from school he'll cut them and put them on colored backgrounds along with the pictures and assemble his project on the tri-fold so it can be turned in on Tuesday.

Looking back on the work for this project I've done as much of the work as Zach's done because I had no other choice in the matter. My neighbor is one that had to take her son to the library a few times to get his project done. If this is a school report there is no reason these kids can't do the work in school - research it in the Media Center, type it up and print it in Computer Class, and assemble it in Art Class if needed. I don't even care if he brings the stuff home to assemble it but it isn't my job to have to run all over town for supplies and pictures and printing and research. If I need to buy the tri-fold that's fine but everything else ought to be the responsibility of the school the way it was years ago. That's why kids go to school, right? If I wanted to home school my kids I would, but I don't so let the school take some responsibility for the work the kids are required to do.

Until next time... peace to all.

White Size Nines or Nothing - That Is All

Something happened today that, in light of last night's post, I felt the need to share with you all. I went food shopping and while I was out I decided that I needed a new pair of sneakers and I was going to get them regardless of the guilt that set in afterward. The one's I have now are tearing and the soles are cracking. It's a need, not a want so I headed to Kmart to shop for myself.

I was in a good mood: food was in the car, I had Pandora playing on my phone, and I was getting new sneakers. I walked into Kmart and went straight back to the shoe section. I don't really like shopping so I sort of rushed past each shoe aisle looking for women's sneakers. Little girl's shoes and sneakers; little boys' shoes and sneakers; men's boots, shoes, and sneakers; older youth shoes and sneakers, then women's shoes - dress-ups, casuals, and work shoes. Even women's slippers had an aisle. Where were women's sneakers?

I walked past each aisle again thinking maybe I'd missed them. I walked past twice and didn't see them. Ah, I'll ask the lady in the Kmart smock where they are. She turned around and pointed at the end of an aisle two away from where we were standing. On the end cap were these soft little sneaker-type shoes but that's not what I wanted. "No," she said, "in that aisle. See the white ones with the pink trim?" Oh, yeah! I see them now. I headed in that direction.

I got to the aisle and began looking for white sneakers. The white ones the lady had pointed out to me were white with hot pink trim. Um, no thanks. I looked at all the other sneakers and literally stood there saying, very much out loud, "Are they fucking kidding me?!" There was not one pair of solid white sneakers, not one. They had grey with fluorescent green trim, black with blue trim, solid black, and rainbow shimmer - the entire shoe, mind you, not just the trim. I shit you not!

I looked and looked but all I saw were sneakers in these outrageous colors that my daughter would wear. I'm 46 years old! I want plain white sneakers. I don't want some cutesy pastel colors on my feet. I don't want lime green with orange trim. I don't want baby blue with yellow trim. I certainly don't want rainbow shimmer. I want WHITE!! Just white. The whole shoe, laces included, must be white!

I turned around to look at the other side of the aisle. There I found solid black, solid grey, and one white pair in a size six. At least they were white. I looked up to the top of the shelf where they keep the spare pairs, I was looking for size nine. I found a pair. I was almost ecstatic. I took them down, opened the box and promptly returned them to the shelf when I saw the price tag - $29.99. Holy shit!! I've never paid $30 for a pair of sneakers in my life. For that price I could go to Wal-Mart and get three pairs of white sneakers. Nope, I wasn't buying anything at Kmart today. I left and headed to Dollar General.

Dollar General sells sneakers for the same price that Wal-Mart does so maybe I could get some for myself in that store. I found the shoes and I found white sneakers - in size six. I searched the entire box. All of them were size six. I didn't want size six, I wanted size nine. Grrrr... No size nines anywhere. I searched other boxes in that aisle - boys, girls, men's but no more women's and no size nines. FUCK!!! Well, at least the women's sneakers didn't come in little girl colors.

Now I had to make a decision. Go home or drive all the way across town to Wal-Mart to get a pair of white sneakers in size nine for $10? Hmmm... what to do, what to do? I still had the groceries in my van. I could take them with me or I could pack them out at home first then go out again. But was it really worth the trip to Wal-Mart, wasting the gas, for just that one item? If I had other things to buy that would be one thing but I didn't need anything else. This wasn't a shopping trip I needed to make right now so I decided - fuck it!! I went home without new sneakers.

The way I see it, if I was supposed to have new sneakers today Kmart would have had some for me. They didn't. There's a reason for everything, right? Right? Obviously I wasn't meant to have new sneakers today and I don't feel bad about it. I also don't feel guilty that I bought something for myself either, because I didn't buy anything. Maybe next time I'm out the mood will hit me again and I'll get my sneakers, and with luck they'll be age-appropriate colors so I don't get stuck wearing shoes that fit in with the little girls in the elementary schools. I'll deal with the guilt then; for now, I'm guilt free. :)

Until next time... peace to all.

Selfless or Freaky?

This past Friday I bought two bags of cereal for the weekend to last until I can do my food shopping tomorrow. I bought store brand bags of frosted flakes and chocolate puffs. They're large bags and even with the kids having friends spend the night I knew there would be plenty.

This morning I had a bowl of the frosted flakes, the bag was almost full; the puffs were about half full. This evening I went to get a bowl of the puffs and there was enough for about one bowl left in the bag. Eat it? Don't eat it? Eat it? Don't eat it? All I kept thinking was that one of the kids might want that last bowl. There were still plenty of flakes left and I'm going shopping tomorrow so it's not a big issue, right? It was to me. I put the cereal back because I didn't want the kids to not have it if one of them wanted it.

I do that all the time. I won't do for me because I feel guilty that the kids will be left out or miss out on something. I won't eat the last bowl of cereal because they might want it. I won't buy myself a sandwich or a burger while I'm out running errands even though I'm hungry. I'll wait till I get home because I feel bad that the kids aren't getting a burger, too. I won't buy new sneakers even though I need them because the kids will need something two days from now.

I know what you're thinking. All moms do that, or are supposed to do that. Making sacrifices for their children is almost an innate quality. I do know some moms who are selfish, though. My mom was selfish. I had to dress in hand-me-down clothing so she'd have money to go out with her friends. I remember my sneakers having holes in them and being embarrassed to go outside with my friends because of it. I couldn't have new ones because my mother said she didn't have the money. Yeah, right!!

I know other people who are selfish, too. They drive nice cars, have nice clothes, go out with friends, have up-to-date technology in their homes yet their kids are wearing clothing that doesn't fit or is stained and ripped. The kids have few toys to play with and what they do have it missing pieces or broken to some extent. I feel as bad for those kids as I do for my own.

I know I have the right to have a burger when I want one or a new pair of shoes when I need them. I just can't allow myself to follow through with what I want or need because I don't want to be selfish. I know, I'm not being selfish by getting a pair of shoes that I need. Logically I know that. I do, I promise you. But my heart tells me that it's wrong so I just wear the same sneakers I've got.

Maybe it's because I put such a negative connotation on the selfishness I see in other parents and what I saw in my own mother. I don't know but I would sure like to. Friends tell me all the time that I have the right to be selfish occasionally, that I deserve it. Okay, I listened and I got the message. I still can't do it. I can't get past the sadness I see in the faces of my kids when I have to deny them something. No, I don't spoil them and I don't give in to their every request. That's why the sadness hurts so much.

I didn't have very much at all growing up so I know exactly how my kids feel when they can't have something. It breaks my heart. And it breaks my heart to think of how they'd feel to go have a bowl of chocolate puffs and there weren't any left; or how they'd feel to find out I had a bag of M&Ms during the day and they didn't get one. If I ever do buy myself a little snack like that I always buy something for them so they can have it when they get home from school. I can't not buy them something because the guilt would eat at me. Why?

Why can't I make myself buy new socks because mine are worn out? Why can't I make myself eat the last of the leftovers for lunch because one of my kids may want to eat them for dinner? My kids have always come first and they always will but when I can't even eat a bowl of cereal because I'm afraid of disappointing one of them, that might be too extreme. Is it? Is it not? I don't know. Until someone can explain it to me I'll just eat a handful of pretzels and wear my sneakers until they fall apart completely and I'm forced to buy new ones.

Until next time... peace to all.