Turmoil-Free Would be a Great Change

My new year isn't starting off all that well. Since the Sunday before New Year's Eve, the 30th of December, my entire home has been in a state of upheaval that I can't even describe without spending hours writing it all out. Let's just say that my ex went on a drunken, abusive rampage in my home when he dropped the kids off after their weekend visit with him. He scared the living shit out of our kids and forced me to call the police just to get him to leave my home. I went on Monday to try to get an order of protection against him; I have a court date on Tuesday to see if the judge will actually grant it.

My kids, however, won't speak to Paul, don't want anything to do with him, refuse to speak to him on the phone, won't visit him at his house, and don't want him coming over here for any reason. I don't blame them in the least and won't force the issue of them seeing him. I'm waiting for my attorney to get back to me on whether or not I have to make them go for their visits. Just more waiting for me.

Because of this event, my kids' behavior has been completely unacceptable, especially Zach's. He's nine and has been hurt - not in the physical sense - by his dad more times than any child deserves to be hurt by a parent. Since I'm the 'safe' parent, however, Zach has been taking his problems out on my and I'm seriously fed up with it. Ever since Paul moved near us Zach's been a little off kilter but now he's totally out of control.

He spends his time screaming and yelling at me, telling me how stupid I am, that I can't do anything right, that I'm a terrible person, that he hates me, etc. I know he's just being a kid and is having trouble dealing with his anger but there is only so much I can take. I've been a verbal punching bag all my life for at least one person who was close to me at one time or another. I won't stand it from my kids and it's getting to the point that I don't even want to be around Zach because I never know when he'll explode on me or his siblings.

I've signed all three kids up for counseling at CAPA, where they used to go but there is a waiting list. It's not a long wait, maybe a couple of weeks, but I honestly don't know what to do until then. Zach walks around screaming that he gets blamed for everything that happens here, that I don't listen to him, that everyone hates him. In all honesty, he sounds exactly like his dad - Paul tends to play the martyr in all situations so his entourage of women friends will take pity on him - and I'm really tired of hearing the same bullshit over and over from Zach.

My mind is in chaos; no matter how hard I try to think straight and get my shit together it doesn't seem to work. I spend my time watching TV and playing games on Pogo just so I don't have to think about all the crap that's going on now and so I don't totally lose complete control of my sanity. I'm really at a total loss as to what to do with Zach and his violent temper.

Ever since Paul's explosion on Sunday my PTSD has kicked in full force so any loud outbursts from the kids cause me to go immediately into sensory overload and I have to leave the room just so I don't have a complete meltdown. That's not right; I'm not supposed to want to spend my time in my own room, away from my kids, just so I don't have to hear their voices but that's what it's become lately.

I know it'll change once the kids are in counseling, and I'm pretty sure it'll get worse before it gets better. I've been through it before when the boys were younger and Dolly was just a baby so I know I can get through it again, I would just like to know when I'll be able to have some constant peace in our lives where we won't have to all be on alert of one another.

Anyway, I just really felt the need to vent and this is the only place I can do it without having to listen to anyone scream a response to me. Not that my friends actually scream at me but it sometimes feels that way. For now I'm just gonna keep pressing on and taking things day by day, and hopefully the kids and I can get started on a path to recovery - again - and get our lives back to the way they were before Paul. Fingers crossed for us.

Until next time... peace to all.