Blasts From the Past

Amazing. Today I found three friends on Facebook that I haven’t seen in about 10 years. These area all friends that I had when I was with Steve; not friends of his that I made because of him, but friends we’d made together. I lost touch with them when Steve and I broke up because Paul didn’t like any of my friends. If I was going to be friends with anyone it had to be his friends. Granted, there are a couple of friends I stayed in touch with through our trials and tribulations but most got lost in the shuffle. I’m sorry about that, too. They were good friends and I missed them terribly.

I’ve found them now, though, and it lifts my spirits. D. is a wonderful woman who could make anyone laugh. She’s so sweet and just a pleasure to be around. T. is a great guy who never gets ruffled about anything. He just takes life in stride and goes with the flow. J. is a guy who liked me at the same time Steve did. We were great friends and even went out on a couple of dates, if you want to call them that. He’s actually the first guy to ever propose to me. He told me, when I was trying to decide whether or not Steve was right for me, that, if I chose him, we could get married and start a family right away. Obviously, that never happened. He never even kissed me, even though I asked him to. He said it wouldn’t be right if we weren’t a couple and he didn’t want that kiss to be any part of my decision over which guy to chose. Imagine that. That’s, actually, one regret I have in my life – never having gotten that kiss from J.

I guess things work out the way they do for a reason, though. Had I gone with J. instead of Steve, I wouldn’t have my three beautiful children; I wouldn’t have met all the people I did in Missouri; I wouldn’t have the wonderful friends I have now; and I wouldn’t have learned some really valuable life lessons along the way. Additionally, I wouldn’t have been in an abusive relationship, I wouldn’t have had to feel the wrath of my ex and suffered the physical, mental, and emotional injuries that I did; I wouldn’t have been in counseling for over four years (although, that may still have happened given the shit from the rest of my life); and I wouldn’t be afraid to move into a new relationship. Theoretically, though, had I been with J. I might still be married to him so that last point is really moot.

It’s really amazing when you think about it. One different choice, sitting in a car on a Saturday night (or Sunday morning, shall we say; it was around 2a.m. when J. and I were talking) and my life could be completely and totally different. At least, the last 20 years of it would have been. I met Steve and J. in March of 1990 and that talk took place somewhere around then. It’s memories like this that sometimes make me wish there was a true Fantasy Island where we could go to see what our lives would have been like had we made one decision over another. Then again, maybe that wouldn’t be such a good idea.

If I could see what my life would have been had I chosen J. over Steve, my life might have been much better than what it was. Okay, let’s not say better; let’s say different in a positive way. Had my life been more positive, when I finished the viewing of it, I might come to regret and resent what I have now which wouldn’t be fair to anyone. Granted, I could never regret or resent my children or my friends, however, there are some things that…nevermind, I can’t regret any of it. Without everything being the way it was in my life, I wouldn’t have what I have today, nor would I be where I am today. I wouldn’t be the same person at all. Yes, I’d still be me; I’d just be a different me with different memories, different thoughts, hopes, dreams – different life. This is all mind-boggling.

My thoughts right now are running in ten different directions all at the same time. I know, I have a fucked-up thought process but if you were inside my brain right at this very moment you’d be stunned at all the different thoughts flying past you right now. There are memories, some that I’d forgotten, past dreams, wishes, events and a flood of other things. It’s complete brain chaos. Holy shit. It’s actually pretty cool, I must say; and all because I reconnected with these three long-lost friends.

What makes the whole thing really weird is that I hadn’t thought about these friends in a long time. I’d tried to look them up, periodically, over the past couple of years but never located them. Suddenly, today, D.’s name popped into my head, I searched her on Facebook and there she was. It was the same with the other two, J. especially. I’d looked for him numerous times but never found him. Then today, there he was – plain as day. It was almost like I was being compelled to look for them for some reason. Utterly strange, and curious and bizarre. Life’s like that, though. I know it, and you know it. I just find events like this fascinating and wonder about the meanings behind them. Enough wondering for tonight, though; I’ll find out, soon enough, what the Universe’s reasoning was. I’ll let you know when I do. Maybe it’s something really interesting; maybe it’s just the next step in my life’s journey. We’ll see…

Until next time…peace to all.