I Wish...

I wish I had money. I don’t want to be filthy rich; I’m not asking for “Brewster’s Millions.” I just want enough money to be comfortable. I want to be able to get my own house and to be able to buy my kids what they need when they need it without having to tell them “it’ll have to wait a while.” I want to be able to put gas in the van at more than $5 and $10 at a time. Morrison deserves it and he shouldn’t have to be choking on fumes constantly. I want to be able to buy a gift for a friend or take the kids out to dinner – just because. I want to be able to send my kids to college and to give them a better life than I had as a kid. I know money doesn’t buy happiness but in my case it’ll buy a smile or two. I wish I could smile more often.

I wish I had family that was worth my time and effort. My sister lives in Georgia and wants me to move there. As much as I love her, we get along better the farther apart we are. I can’t live near her. The family I left in Missouri and Kansas are my aunts – my mother’s only remaining sister and sister-in-law – and their kids, and their kids’ kids. I get along great with my aunts but I never really knew my cousins since my mother raised my sister and me in NY. We have nothing in common so it was no great loss to leave them behind. I’ve got a step-brother out in Washington State; he’s got a wife and two kids. We communicate via Facebook. And I’ve got a pseudo-brother (my sister’s half brother), his wife, and their two daughters. They live in NC and we don’t really talk either, except via Facebook. That’s all I’ve got for family and none of them really strike a meaningful chord in my heart. I can take them or leave them. I wish that wasn’t the case.

I wish I didn’t have to worry all the time about my ex being such a shit to the kids and me. I have learned how to take back the control he tries to retain over me but the kids are still young and are too afraid of their dad to be able to stand up to him just yet. I’ve told them polite things they can say and how to say them but they just don’t feel they can do it. I feel bad for them but I can’t intervene all the time; they have to learn to do that for themselves. If my ex would stop using the kids to try to hurt me they’d be much happier on their visits with him. I wish I could help them more.

I wish more good things would happen for good people rather than for the people who don’t really deserve it. I see good people like me and my friends getting shit on constantly and it really isn’t fair. I know, I know, life isn’t fair. Fuck that! I do what I can to be a good person and to help others and myself but I keep getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop. So do other people I know. I’ve seen Social Services come in and take children from parents just because a vindictive ex-wife or ex-husband makes a false complaint to the State. I’ve seen friends get falsely arrested for the same reasons. I’ve seen people, like me, live within the system and try to get out but can’t because the system holds us back. My ex lives with his girlfriend in a very swanky neighborhood; they have two incomes in the household; he’s driving a new truck (maybe not brand new, but new to him); and they still have money to take my kids out and do things with them. I have no home of my own, no money, and no job. I can’t even get a fucking credit card to rebuild my credit without putting down a $200 deposit - because my ex completely fucked up my credit when we were together. Nobody will give me the chance to prove that I’m reliable so I’m the one getting screwed. I wish I had the power to make things right for all of us good people.

I wish I didn’t have to spend so much time wishing for things and worrying about not getting or having them. I wish I could sleep at night without tossing and turning and waking up constantly because of all my worrying. I wish I could wrap my kids in a cocoon that would be impervious to their dad’s bullying when they’re with him. I wish I had family I could depend on and who didn’t treat me like an outsider. I wish I had the perfect words to say to other good people when bad things happen, or when they go from bad to worse, to let them know that everything will be all right. I wish that undeserving people could feel what it’s like on the other side of the spectrum. I wish there were more good people in the world who would take a chance on people like me occasionally.

I know things will turn around for me and for others like me; I have faith in that. I know in my heart that we good people deserve all the best in the world and that we will have it. I know things happen for a reason and that there are lessons to be learned from every experience, good or bad. I know that one door closing leaves room for another to open. I know that positive attitudes beget positive results. I know I will have everything I want in life, for my kids and for me. I also know it will happen for my friends. I know all that. I just wish it would happen sooner rather than later.

Until next time…peace to all.