Dolly asked for juice tonight just as the kids were getting ready for bed. Kara was out so I had all five kids to contend with as far as bedtime was concerned. They were all sleeping down here, a sleepover, if you will, since schools are closed tomorrow (or today; it’s after midnight) so it really wasn’t difficult. I asked Dolly to get ready for bed and I’d make her some juice. I got the pitcher out and then went to the freezer to get the juice. I use the frozen concentrates that are 100% juice and I mix them with lots of water to cut down on the sugar content. Anyway, I was prepared to make the juice; that’s when the fight started.
This particular juice is Seneca apple juice and it comes in the cardboard tube rather than the hard plastic tube. It’s also got a soft plastic zip strip around the top. You pull the strip off and the metal top comes right off – or so it’s supposed to. I pull off the strip but the top doesn’t open. Huh? I spin the can around and around trying to find the problem. Ah ha, the entire zip strip didn’t come off. No problem; I’ll just pull the rest off and I’ll be on my way. Grab the little piece that’s sticking off the edge of the can and pull. Oops, lost my grip. Try again. Ugh!! Lost my grip again. That little piece isn’t very big. Grab it even harder; without long nails this isn’t an easy task. One last try. Fuck!! It won’t budge.
Try another tactic. I’ll get a butter knife and slide it up and under the edge and push the top off the tube. Okay, got the knife…but – where’s the edge? Hmmm…not a very big lip. I’ll just shove the knife under it hard. It’ll work; it’s got to. Got…to…get…the…knife…under…the…lip…of…the…lid. {huffing and puffing} Flipping knife won’t go under and the cardboard won’t even collapse the tiniest bit. I could keep trying but now I’m worried that, if I do get the knife under the edge, I’ll push too hard and frozen juice will splatter all over the kitchen counter. Best not to force the issue. Okay, I’ve got to get this lid off; it’s a must and I will not let the juice win!
It’s a cardboard tube; I can just squeeze it a little to get the sides to smoosh in and the lid will just pop off. How hard can it be? I’ll tell you how hard. REALLY, REALLY hard. The juice isn’t completely frozen anymore and cardboard is flexible. What the fuck is the problem? I’m just not squeezing hard enough. Squeeze…harder!! {grunting} It’s a lid on a juice container, for shit’s sake, I’m not trying to squeeze blood from a stone. COME ON ALREADY!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…that’s not working; try something else.
I’ll just put down the tube for a while and give it a rest. It’s getting scared, I can tell. I’m bigger and stronger. I can win this fight. I stop to make sure all the kids are in pajamas and ready for bed. Movies are on; kids are in beds or sleeping bags and are settled to watch TV for a while. Good. Good night all; happy dreams. Dolly: “Mommy, where’s my juice?” “I’m getting it; just give me a minute.” Back upstairs to attack the problem again.
What else can I use to get this friggin lid off this tube? Ah, a steak knife ought to do it. I’ll just trail the knife around the edge of the tube, just under the lid. That will be able to cut what’s left of that little plastic strip. Yeh, that’ll do it. Just cut the rest of the strip and the lid will come off the tube. I get the knife and grab the blade. (Children, this stunt is being performed by a professional mommy – DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!) I have to grab the blade because holding it by the handle won’t allow me to put as much pressure on the cut as I need. Anyway, I grab the blade and drag the point of the knife around the can. Whew!! The strip is cut; pick off the lid. {pause} I said, “The strip is cut; pick off the lid.” Did you hear me? “THE STRIP IS CUT. TAKE THE LID OFF THE TUBE!” Fucker! The strip isn’t cut and the lid won’t come off. DUH!! Do it again. Okay. And again. Okay. And again. This strip of plastic must be made of steel because it…won’t…cut. And, of course, the lid is still on the tube of juice. Good thing Dolly isn’t dehydrated and apple juice is her only cure. One last idea and then I’m just going to get a hammer and a screwdriver and bust the fucker to pieces. I’ll use the can opener.
The can opener won’t work, stupid, but go ahead and try. The lip on the lid isn’t big enough for the can opener to clamp to it. I know but it’s my last resort. Well then, you give it your best shot. What have you got to lose? Nothing so hush up. Fine. I get the can opener from the drawer and stick it on the lid. What the fuck? It holds. Crank the handle. It turns. A couple of more turns and the lid is off the tube. Are you fucking kidding me? Why didn’t I think of this a half hour ago? Uh, you did but you just didn’t think it would work; past experience has taught you that. I know, I know, but don’t most people try the most obvious solution first? Yes, you dunce; now you’ll know for next time. Oh, trust me, there won’t be a next time. From now on I’m sticking with the hard plastic tubes of juice; they’re less combative and my kids won’t shrivel into prunes waiting for something to drink. A good lesson for us all. The best part – I WON THE FIGHT!! Take that!!
Until next time…peace to all.
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