Please Don't 'Should' On Me

Something I learned over the past couple of years is letting go of “shoulding” on myself and on other people. I learned it in a class I took back at Hope House in MO. Granted, I haven’t completely stopped but I’m getting there and we all work on it here in our household. I’m sure you all know what I mean. It’s when you say “I should have done…” or you tell someone else “You should do…” “Should” implies a black/white, right/wrong situation. For example, if I say, “You should have done such-and-such” to my friend, I’m saying, “I’m right, you’re wrong, ” and I’m making my friend feel bad about what she did. If I say, “I should have done such-and-such” I’m telling myself that what I did do was wrong, and saying that what I did was unacceptable. We all have opinions and none of them is the perfect answer to any situation. So in our home we try not to “should” on ourselves or on anyone else, and it really hits home with my kids.

When we were back in Maryland for those couple of months Ty came home upset from school one day. I asked him what was wrong and he said, “The kids in my class were telling me I should do this or I should do that. It made me feel bad with them telling me what to do.” I asked him if he said anything to them about it. “No.” So I gave him a suggestion. “Try this. Next time one of them tells you you should do something, smile and politely say, ‘Please don’t should on me.’ then go on and do whatever it is you’re doing.” He agreed it was a good suggestion but asked me to send an email to his teacher. When I asked why he said, “Because saying ‘Please don’t should on me’ sounds like I’m saying the ‘s’ word.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. Even though I explained that it didn’t sound that way I sent an email to the teacher explaining what I’d suggested Ty do. She was a bit sad that he hadn’t come to her with the issue but said my suggestion sounded great and that she would let Ty know it was okay for him to say it if need be. Ty was happy about that but never had to use the suggestion because we moved shortly thereafter.

Now, we use the expression all the time around here so he’s getting used to it. We use it so much so that I had the best laugh of the day first thing this morning because of it. Zach woke up in a seriously grouchy mood. He wanted to play his DS but had left it on all night and it wasn’t charged. What did he do? He blamed me for it. He said it was my fault that it wasn’t charged because I took it off the charger. I didn’t, but that was beside the point. In any case, I told him that, because he was being such a brat I was going to take his DS with me in the car when I drove Dolly to school, and that he could play it later in the afternoon IF his behavior and mood changed drastically.

Once he realized I was taking his prized game (the boys got them from Paul for Christmas and he just let them bring them home this Sunday when he dropped them off here.) he got really angry and started screaming at me, “I’m such a mean person. I should be grounded for the rest of my life. I don’t deserve to have the DS. I should just be grounded. I know I’m ‘shoulding’ on myself and I’m not supposed to, but I don’t care right now. I should be grounded for being so mean.” How’s that for getting a lesson to hit home? Not only was I happy that he knew not to do it, but I was seriously amazed that he would even think of it in the middle of his tirade. I almost fell off my chair from laughing so hard.

Dolly didn’t understand what was so funny. She knows not to say “should” but she doesn’t get the concept of why we don’t say it. She will eventually, though, and with the lesson so ingrained in her brothers’ heads, I’m sure she’ll understand it sooner rather than later. We’ll become a “Should Free” household. If we can do it, you can too. It costs nothing and helps make life a little easier. Just make a conscious effort not to “should” on yourself or anyone else and see how much better you feel.

Until next time…peace to all.