I'm The Best I've Got

I have never been as angry with myself as I am right now. I have spent my life being lied to, cheated on, and beat up physically, mentally and emotionally. Every time it happens I swear to myself that I won’t ever let it happen again. I won’t put faith or trust into anyone or anything but myself. Then people start telling me that I can’t live that way; I can’t live without letting others in; I have to learn to trust and to have faith…blah, blah, blah. I believe them, too, because, what do I know? I’ve never had the opportunity to fully trust or believe because every time I’ve done it, I’ve gotten beat up again, in one form or another. But everyone says it gets better, and I believe them. Has anyone ever realized that the word LIE is right in the middle of BELIEVE? So here’s the deal – I’m done. I have finally learned that there is absolutely nobody I can count on but me, and that’s the way it will stay.

I’ve had friends that I’ve let go of for the simple fact that they were toxic. As much as they tried to make me believe they were there for me, they were only there for what they could get for themselves. The same goes for my relationships. Each and every one of the men I’ve had in my life has had an agenda that had nothing to do with me; it was all about what I could do for them, and each relationship was worse than the last. I guess my ex was right: I’m no good, I can’t do anything right, and I’ll never have anybody else. Sounds true enough to me. The truth hurts, but like I said the other night, I can accept it. It’s the way my life has always gone.

My mother lied to me enough to make me mistrustful of just about everyone I meet. Then she tried to blame that on the abuse I suffered at the hands of the shithead stepfather she brought into my life as a toddler. Thirty years later she was asking, “Why did you tell me he abused you? Maybe that’s why you built the wall you keep around you.” No, Mother, I built that wall because of you!!! Because of all the lies and bullshit you fed me over the years to try to make yourself look better than you really were. You fucked up and you would never admit it. Now it’s too late for me to even call you on it and I’m stuck with the consequences.

I’ve tried to put my faith in people – friends, family and strangers alike. It doesn’t work; I just keep getting screwed no matter which way I turn. I can’t deal with my family because most of them are so fucking selfish it makes me sick. I don’t even really know them, though; that’s just from what I’ve seen over the few visits I’ve had with any of them. That, too, would be the fault of my mother, though. She decided that, in order to keep her dirty little secrets, she needed to raise my sister and me halfway across the country from her/our family so they’d never see what a liar she really was. I was never given the opportunity to have any family around me. It’s no wonder I can’t stand family events – holidays, parties, get-togethers, whatever you want to call them; I hate them with a passion.

That’s okay for me, but my kids will never get to know any of my family because of that. The only family holidays they’ll spend will be with Paul’s family where they’ll learn about lying in its true form. Nobody in his family can tell the truth or, if they can, it’s so brutal that people get hurt left and right for no reason whatsoever. I hate that the kids will have to deal with that, but I have to let them find out what their family is really like for themselves; I can’t push my opinions on them. That wouldn’t be fair. I don’t like Paul’s family nor do I trust any of them. Like I said, Paul has said one true thing to me and I mentioned that above. Anything else he’s said has been a load of shit, and it’s the same with the rest of his family.

Nope, from now on it’s me and only me. And I’m going to make sure I ask all the right questions before I make any decisions; I’m going to ask so many questions that the person answering will get sick of me. I don’t care, though. I have the right to be fully informed before I make a move or invite anyone into my personal space. If something doesn’t feel right, I’m not doing it. Right now I’m being put on waiting list after waiting list. I’m going to do the same fucking thing from now on with everyone else. You want into my life, there’s a waiting list. Until I feel the time is right, everyone will wait for me.

People I’ve known for years suddenly don’t have time for me. The same people I’ve helped time and time again don’t seem to give a shit anymore. I can’t be bothered with that. It’s just more trust gone in little bits and pieces and that’s my fault for putting my trust and faith on the line. I’ve only got a handful of true friends remaining in my life. Yes, I’ve got over 100 on my Facebook friends list but they aren’t all true friends. Most of them couldn’t give a shit less about me or my life. They’re virtual acquaintances, as far as I’m concerned.

Do I want friends? Sure I do, who doesn’t? I’d love to have a relationship too but that’s never going to happen. I’d love to have someone to talk to when I really need to talk or gripe; and I’ve love to have someone other than a four year old to snuggle with when I decide to go to sleep. Guess what. Not happening. It’s not worth the risk to my personal stability anymore. I’m so lonely sometimes I can’t stand it but I’d rather be alone than take the chance that I’ll fuck up again and make another wrong choice along the way. I won’t risk doing it to myself, nor will I risk doing it to my kids. Paul’s fucked them up enough as it is, and I’m only making it worse right now. I’m going to do what I can to make things right for them, come Hell or high water. Then I’m finished letting people in at all. My kids will be stable and happy and can have hundreds of friends for all I care. I’ll stick with what I’ve got and leave it at that.

The Universe has dumped on me so many times recently that I can’t be bothered right now; perhaps not at all, that remains to be seen. I’m being ignored and forced to fend for myself, and I guess I’ll just have to deal with it. The way I see it, being lonely and without faith isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe that’ll change in the future but I can’t see it happening any time soon. Sometimes it’s the best people can do; and as long as I do my best for my kids, I’ll be fine. That’s as it should be.

Until next time…peace to all.