I haven’t blogged in a while because I haven’t really had anything to say; but I’m back now. I’ve actually got a gripe tonight and need to vent. What else is new, right? You’ll indulge, me, I’m sure. It’s about the differences between divorced parents, and those of you in my boat will know exactly what I’m talking about. Those of you not in my boat may know someone in the same situation. We’ll see.
We divorced mothers don’t really get a break from our kids. Not that I’m complaining about it; it’s the way it is and we do what we need to do. I love my kids to death but I do need a break from them at times, just to regroup and collect myself. I just don’t always have that luxury. Divorced dads, those who don’t have full custody of their kids, on the other hand, do have that luxury. They don’t have the kids all the time and get to do things we moms don’t get to do.
Dads get to go out to dinner with their friends and don’t have to hire babysitters, they get to go to sporting events, they get to have parties at their houses, they get to leave home on a whim. They also get to say, “I’m not feeling well so I won’t be picking up the kids this weekend.” Let me repeat that. “I’m not feeling well so I won’t be picking up the kids this weekend.” Or, in the words of my ex, “I don’t think I’ll grab the kiddos this weekend. I just had double root canal and I still feel like poop.” He’s got a cold that he mentioned to me earlier. Why does he think he deserves the right to not visit his kids because of something like that? He doesn’t even know how he’ll feel tomorrow.
If I get a cold I can’t say, “Gee, I don’t think I want my kids for a couple of days because I don’t feel well.” If I have a root canal (never had one but just on the off-chance) I can’t send them away. If I break a leg, or get an ingrown toenail, or have an eyelash out of place, I still have to be here for my kids. I don’t have the opportunity to just not be around them because something is not the way it’s supposed to be that day. Why do fathers think they do have that right? I’m not understanding something and I wish someone would explain it to me.
In that same regard, Kara’s ex was supposed to pick up their boys this weekend. Kara and I, thinking all of the kids would be out of the house for two days, had lots of plans to continue with the work around the house and we were making lists of things to be done. My ex cancelled on me and hers did the same thing a couple of hours ago. He, however, has no explanation for why he’s not picking up their boys; he just said he’s not getting them. What the fuck? This is a guy who’s already pissed off that he has to drive an hour each way to see his kids - AN HOUR. Seriously? At least my ex doesn’t complain about that. Kara’s ex hardly ever sees their boys, though, because he’s got a life of his own, hates to drive out here, doesn’t have the time, or whatever else his pipe may be that day.
In any case, she was really pissed off when he texted her a little while ago. He originally said it was because we’re supposed to get snow overnight. The snow is supposed to end by late morning and Kara texted him that. His response was that he’s just not getting the boys. Okay, fine. She wanted to text him back and say something but I told her to just let it go. I didn’t say anything to Paul about the fact that he may feel much better tomorrow; she doesn’t need to try to convince her ex to get her boys either. She started to object but then agreed with me. “You’re right. I’m going to let it go. We both will. There’s a reason none of the kids will be gone this weekend so we’ll just find something to do with them.” Fine by me. We’ll do what we always do on the weekends when the kids are all here. Nothing will be different; except for one thing.
This house will be filled with five seriously disappointed kids. My kids are already upset that they won’t be seeing their dad this weekend. I just got the message from him right after the boys finished their homework - around 4:30. Kara got her message around 8:00 tonight. All of our kids went to bed sad and hurt that they can’t be with their respective dads this weekend. It breaks my heart. You can’t explain to kids and have them understand that their dad doesn’t feel well; and you certainly can’t explain to kids that their dad just changed his mind. If any of them bring up the issue tomorrow, I’ll tell any one of them to take it up directly with whichever dad belongs to that kid. If the dads can’t do what’s needed, they can explain it directly to the kids.
Here’s a message to all you dads out there who pull shit like this. I know dads who are fighting to be able to spend time with their kids. I know dads who go out of their way to see their kids, regardless of the circumstances. I know dads who drive across three counties just to have dinner with their kids for a couple of hours. Then I know dads like you. Dads who don’t feel well and won’t be up to seeing their kids. Dads who forgot they already made plans. Dads who’re fighting with their girlfriends and don’t have time to see their kids because they have to make sure their relationship is still intact. Now I have to tell you to stop being such fucking babies. Your kids act more mature than you do.
It’s not the ex-wives you’re hurting. It’s not us who get disappointed. It’s not us who cry and act out when you cancel. It’s not us who say we don’t ever want to see you again because you said you’d be here this weekend. It’s not us who call you liars. It’s your kids who do that; and it’s your kids you’ll have to answer to in the end. So keep doing what you’re doing; keep being selfish, keep turning your kids away because things aren’t right on your end. I promise you, one day they’ll be doing the same thing to you and you won’t have anyone to blame but yourselves. Just a little tip from a divorced mom of three.
Until next time...peace to all.
Ok, so I know I'm going to sound like a total bitch here, but I'm going to speak out anyway.
ReplyDeleteYour post started out by saying plans were changed by the ex's which in turn messed up your plans. How hard it is to be a divorced parent. I get that it's hard - I was one too. What hit me was how I feel for all my widda mom's and dad's - being ONLY parents. They have all the emotional stuff to deal with concerning theirs and their children's mental health issues over their losses. Plus having no one to take over at any time. No one to share good and bad news concerning the kids milestones.
Being a divorced parent with little help from the ex is totally different. Your kids get calls from their dad each and every day. Always have. He has helped you move. He is now able to attend school events. Widowed parents get none of that. I'm sure if I took a poll from any of the young widowed moms and dads I know asking if they would rather their spouses be dead, or to be divorced from them, they would all take divore any day. At least there would be a 2nd parent for the kiddos, even if the other parent doesn't do a bang up job. There would be another parent to discuss major kid decisions with.
My kids experienced the absent other parent. He didn't show up or call when he was missing a visit. He was more concerned about getting laid than seeing his kids. I know the look of disappointment on a kids face when the other parent fails to show up. He had 12 years of not contacting the kids in any manner - no Christmas or birthday cards even. No calls. No visits.
Yes, these guys are selfish and don't put their kids before their own needs. But if there was something major which cropped up in their kids lives, they would at least be available to notify.
And just for the record, when the other parent at Dakota's other home was sick, we took it upon ourselves to get him on our non-scheduled days in order for her to get some rest. Of course it wasn't soon enough as he got what she had and passed it on to us. So it was a puke and poop fest at our home afterall, but it allowed his otehr mom and caretakers a chance to take care of tehmselves without having to worry about him.
Count yourself lucky that there is another parent involved in your childrens lives. He may not be perfect. He may mess up your plans sometimes, but he is more involved than many, many others. And he is alive. It would be so much harder for you and the kids if you were an only parent rather than a divorced one.
No, you don't sound like a bitch at all. I completely understand what you're saying. Yes, it would be very difficult if their dad wasn't around at all. I don't doubt that in the least.
ReplyDeleteAs far as our plans being changed because of the change in the dads, we'll deal with that; we have before, you and I have discussed it. We've just reached a point where, rather than making excuses for the dads to the kids, we've decided to just let them know that shit happens in life that we can't control.
My whole point, though, was just to point out how much easier it is for the dads to do what they want and need to do than it is for the moms; and to let the dads know that, eventually, they'll be on the receiving end of the cancellations one day when the kids have other things to do.
No offense in any way is intended to widows/widowers. Please accept my apologies, love. :)
In theory, your plan should work. Let the crappy parent make their mistakes and stop making excuses for them to the kids.
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that. That theory hasn't exactly worked in our household though. Son #1 tries to get in his bio-dad's good graces, even if I am hurt in the process. It'll be interesting to see how his wedding announcment and invitations are worded. He asked me three times recently whether I thought it would be appropriate to invite his dad and his dad's local realitives to the engagement party. I discussed my reply to him with his fiance before I hit send. She agreed with me - that it wasn't necessary for her family to "meet" his dad's side since his dad's side had nothing at all to do with his upbringing. Haven't heard a word from my son since I sent that note. He knows his father is and had always been a POS, but he still has some unexplained desire to have a dad.
Well, I do hope your son gets back in touch with you. He asked for your opinion and now it's his problem regarding how he deals with your response. It's a shame that he's taking it the way he is.
ReplyDeleteAs far as my kids are concerned, I'm not sure what will happen in the future with respect to their dad, but I do know that everything will work out the way it's supposed to - for you and me. :)