In the past I’ve spoken with the kids about who their family is and who my family is: they are my kids so they’re my family; they are Dad’s kids so he is their family; but Dad and I are no longer family. Ty understands just fine but Zach and Dolly, especially Dolly, have a hard time understanding and with Paul staying here isn’t helping the situation.
Zach has been so angry with his dad in the past that he spent months not even speaking to Paul; he refused after everything Paul had done in the past and for what he did to us over the year when we were in the shelter. I’ll explain all of that at another time. Zach needs a man around and tends to bond with any man, or older teen, who pays any attention to him. I haven’t dated anyone so he basically becomes friends with my friends’ husbands or the kids in the neighborhood.
Dolly never really had a man in her life; Paul and I separated when I was pregnant with her and divorced shortly after she was born. In her six years of life she’s spent all of maybe eighteen months in the company of her dad. She’s skittish around men and generally gets very shy; but she loves having her dad around. It’s getting out of hand now, though.
She and Zach constantly ask me when Dad will be coming home from work. This isn’t his home and I’m having a hard time making them understand that. This is just where he’s staying temporarily. They understood the concept when the kids and I lived with friends or when we were in the shelter; they just don’t get that this isn’t Paul’s home.
Last night Paul got pizza for dinner so the kids sat at the table with him and I stood to the side eating with them but Dolly commented that it was nice to have all of us there eating together. While it might be nice for her it’s uncomfortable for me. I usually spend my time alone when he’s here so he can spend time with the kids, basically because I know it won’t last once he gets his own place. But I still want to instill family values in them and that includes eating dinner together.
They’ve spent the last two years without our regular guidelines and I’m trying so hard to get my family back to the way it had been in the past; it was beginning to work until Paul got here. Now there are no guidelines because of his alternating retail schedule – just like it had been when we were married and the boys wouldn’t stay on a schedule – and it’s hard for me to make them understand that we still need to stay on schedule. They want to eat with their dad; they want to spend time with him; they want him to be a regular part of their lives but they don’t realize, like I do, that once he moves out he won’t be around as often as he is now.
My problem is that I’m wondering how it’ll affect them once he does get his own place and gets a girlfriend and doesn’t have time for them like he does at this moment. Trust me, when we were married he had no time to spend with the boys. His idea of spending time with them was him washing his car while they played on the other side of the yard. Regardless, I’m worried that I screwed up by allowing him to stay here with us.
I was trying to do the right thing by them and him by allowing him the convenience of having a place to stay so he could relocate to be closer to our kids. Now I’m not so sure I’m not doing more harm than good. But, it is what it is and I can’t change what’s done. I’m not going to beat myself up over it; I’m just going to let it ride and be there to pick up the pieces, again, when my kids get their hearts stomped again. I know it’s coming but I can’t control it, I just have to let it be. And I will…for now.
Until next time…peace to all.
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