Dad's Bad Choice

Maybe it’s just me but I don’t think so. Why is my ex so determined to make bad choices for himself that will fuck the kids up even more? If it’s to hurt me, it’s not working. It’s the kids that are suffering. It’s the little shit and the big shit. When they were with him for those two weeks a month ago he got their hair cut. Not only had I just cut the boys’ hair but he and I discussed not cutting Dolly’s hair because she likes it long. Paul decided that it is a rule in his house that all the kids get their hair cut before school. The reason for this new rule: if I can let Zach get his ears pierced after Paul said he didn’t like the idea, then he could get Dolly’s hair cut after I said I didn’t want it cut. It’s a matter, to him, of: If you can do it, so can I.

What he doesn’t get is that the ear piercing was Zach’s choice. Zach came to me and asked to get his ears pierced; I didn’t ask him if he wanted it done; and I made Zach wait almost a year before actually doing it, and even then, he’s the one who came to me – again – asking to get his ears pierced. Paul, on the other hand, told the kids they were getting their hair cut, probably just to spite me. In the end it’s the kids, or Dolly more specifically, who got hurt. Granted, he didn’t get the back of her hair cut, but he did get bangs cut into her hair. She was almost in tears the other day because she wanted a hair pony on top (the top and sides pulled up on top of her head into a pony tail) and, regardless of how hard I tried, I couldn’t do it because of the bangs. She wanted it all off her face and I couldn’t do it. I haven’t mentioned it to him yet because I’m waiting until the next time he gripes at me over something.

I almost mentioned it tonight and then bit my tongue to the point that it was painful. He had called to say hi to the kids this afternoon, just as we were getting ready to go out for a while; and he asked me to call him when we got home. Well, I forgot to call when we got back but I did remember to call later in the evening. He wanted to let me know that he’s moving out of the apartment above his mother’s house. He’s moving in with his pseudo-girlfriend. I wasn’t really stunned by the message as much as by the reason. See, last year he was going to move in with her; they were going to get a house together. Two weeks after he told me, they were no longer a couple. A few months later Ty mentioned something about Marcy (not her real name), Daddy’s girlfriend and I had to tell Ty that they weren’t a couple any more.

Ty was pretty confused because, “Why? They didn’t even go out for a year!” I believe it was a little longer than a year but I couldn’t explain anything to Ty because I didn’t know. I suggested he ask Paul. Ty never did but when Paul mentioned something to me about her helping him get his plane ticket to help us move I asked if they were still together. His answer: “Sort of. She’s got stuff going on in her life and I have stuff going on in mine so we just decided to hang out when we can.” It was then that I told him how confused the kids are with his chain of girlfriends and that he needs to talk to them about it. Of course, he never did.

So imagine my surprise when he told me tonight that they’re getting a house together and that he’s already started moving stuff out of the apartment. Again, my surprise wasn’t because they’re moving in together but not two months ago they weren’t even an official couple and, even better was his reason for wanting to move in with her. According to Paul, “There are just things going on with the apartment and I just don’t want to stay there.” Now that’s a reason to move in with a woman, right? Sounds like true love to me. It’s pretty close to the reason he moved in with his last babe in 2008, I believe. He had moved back to NY in September of 2007, began dating her and in January or so of 2008 she moved into that same apartment he’s leaving now. Why did she move in? As Paul put it, “It’s just easier than paying for a place for her and a place for me.” I am now wondering what he told people about why he and I moved in together.

So now he’s moving in with this chick, Marcy, for the sake of convenience. Not only the convenience of him having a second paycheck in the household, but the convenience of him having someone to help him care for the kids when he does get them. He can’t do it by himself and his mother, brother and sister can’t always take off work on the weekends the kids will be there. Now, this really isn’t any of my business except that it is. He’s confusing the shit out of the kids and doesn’t care; yet I’m the one who gets to pick up the pieces of the breakdowns and meltdowns the kids have when they return home to me. I’ll explain a bit so you understand.

When Paul first left he moved in with his mistress. He and I agreed that the boys, then three and two, would not meet her for a couple of months. They needed to get used to being with Dad without Mom. Well, so much for him agreeing to anything. He brought the kids into the house with her that next weekend because he wanted to make sure they liked her and a whole bunch of other selfish reasons that I pointed out to him. He must have used the word “I” eight times in his three minute explanation of why he broke the agreement. So the boys went from seeing Daddy with Mommy to seeing Mommy alone and Daddy with a stranger lady.

Then Mistress threw him out for domestic violence so he got a place of his own. The boys were now visiting Daddy alone although he would, most often, bring them back early because they didn’t want to stay with him (they were afraid) or because he had other things to do and just didn’t want to be bothered having them there. That only lasted a few months when he realized he couldn’t live in Kansas alone and make the bills. He couldn’t find a girlfriend willing to split the tab, I guess. He decided his only option was to move back to NY and live in the apartment above his mother’s house. Remember I said that was in September of 2007.

When the kids went to NY in July of 2008 he was living with New Babe and the kids weren’t prepared for that. Now they were going from seeing Dad alone (in Kansas) to going to visit him and having another stranger woman there. The boys were six and five, and Dolly was two. Mind you, this was the first time Dolly had ever spent any time with Daddy at all so it was all new to her to have Daddy in his house with a lady. They spent two weeks there with Daddy and New Babe who, by the way, was supposed to be Upstate visiting her brother so Paul could have time with the kids. Yea, that didn’t happen. She spent every single waking minute with him and the kids. I told you, he doesn’t know how to spend any time with the kids all by himself.

They return home and a few months later New Babe is out of the picture. Guess what? I told him he had to explain it to the kids; I was tired of doing his dirty work. He told them, I think, but not until one of them mentioned something about New Babe and all he said was that she didn’t live there any more. No real explanation or anything. That’s confusing to a kid, especially Zach who already had trust issues from the sudden disappearance of Dad, and the just-as-sudden appearance and disappearance of Mistress. Zach had then been thrown into a situation with New Babe who was soon out of the picture.

Cut to now. They knew Dad had a girlfriend, Marcy, last year, not too long after New Babe was gone. Then Marcy wasn’t Dad’s girlfriend; when they visited Dad a month ago Marcy was Dad’s girlfriend; now Dad is moving in with Marcy. Not to mention that Daddy is moving to his fifth place in just as many years. LET’S NOT FUCK WITH THE HEADS OF CHILDREN TOO MUCH NOW!! I WOULDN’T WANT THEM TO KEEP THEIR SANITY OR ANYTHING!! The reason Zach clings to me like Velcro is because I’m the only constant he’s had in his life since the day he was born. This poor child has such trust issues it’s not even funny.

I’m not saying any of this to Paul. I started to say something to him and stopped speaking after the first utterance hit my throat. I just stopped talking and told him I’d get the kids so they could say good night to him. I think he knows I had something to say but stopped; I just think he probably thinks I have a problem with him moving in with her. I couldn’t care less whom he’s living with as long as my kids aren’t being put in the middle of anything ugly. With Mistress there was a lot of fighting between them that the boys had to endure and they even hid in their room to get away from it. With New Babe there wasn’t anything that I know of but the kids were only there for two weeks.

I know shit happened during this last visit but that was between Paul and the kids, no other women involved. With Marcy in the picture now, especially during visits, I’m going to make sure my kids know exactly what to do if and when they get scared of anything they see or hear while they’re there. I’m not going to have them endure the bullshit they’ve endured in the past. It’s not fair to them and I won’t tolerate it. I just wonder if he even gives a shit about what he does to them. I know the answer to that; I just ask it in the hopes that the answer will actually change one day – even though I know it won’t. My kids will continue to suffer at the hands of their Dad and I’ll continue to come to the rescue. That’s my job and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the World.

Until next time…peace to all.