Hurry Up and Wait

So, Dolly started her first day at Head Start today, and she loved it. For breakfast she had “a bagel with my own butter.” She got to spread her own butter and it made her feel like a big girl. I can’t help smiling when I think of how she looked and sounded when she told me about it when I got her from school. Her sense of pride mixed with excitement was completely amazing. When any of my kids gets like that I find it amazing. I can’t help it; probably because their excitement is over something we adults take for granted. To see that on the face of a child for the first time is always endearing. They look at us with an expression that asks, “Do you find this as exciting as I do? I hope you do.” Of course, I do. Dolly’s bagel experience has been the first like that since the boys started school last week. It’s a good thing, too, because I’ve been seriously – irritated, let’s say. That’s being kind, of course, but I’ll use it anyway.

I still am a bit cranky though. Seems I’m back to waiting on the outside world, again. I know, I can’t have everything the second I want it, but I’m beginning to feel a bit like Veruca Salt. No, not the band, but the character from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” from which the band got its name. You know her best from the movie “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” She’s the girl who wants everything “now” and falls down the ‘bad egg’ chute. I want what I want; I deserve it and I’m tired of having to wait for it. Does that make me a bad egg? I don’t think so. I think it makes me determined but I’m being held back by red tape and bullshit regulations.

I know: if there weren’t regulations everyone would do what they wanted, when they wanted to do it. Blah, blah, blah…that’s not my problem. My problem is that I’m getting antsy and cranky, and antsier and crankier. I don’t even think ‘antsier’ is a word but, fuck it, I’m using it anyway. Why can’t I just win enough money to build the home I want, and then maintain it? It doesn’t have to be a mansion, just: large living room; large dining room; open, eat-in kitchen with additional breakfast bar and butler’s pantry; large family room; an office; five bedrooms with three bathrooms amongst them (1 master with bath, and two jack-and-jills); two powder rooms (one on the main level and one in the finished basement); lots of closet space; laundry facilities on the bedroom level; finished basement with half the space for a kids’ room (big-screen TV, toys, ping pong table, stuff like that), the other half for grown-ups (bar, big-screen TV, pool table, etc.); a separate exercise room; mudroom, two-car garage with loft storage; large, fenced-in backyard with room for a pool and play-yard for the kids; and a revolving door (with locking capability) as an entrance. That’s all I want.

You may be asking why I want five bedrooms. Well, there are four of us, the three kids and me, and one extra for a guest room. Not that I’ll ever have guests staying in it, but you never know. On the off-chance (the very off chance) that I have more than one guest the basement will have pull-out sofas; one in the kids’ room and one in the grown-up room. Why, also, do I want a butler’s pantry? It’s for the kids, of course. I’ll keep snacks and drinks for them and their friends in there so they won’t be traipsing through the kitchen constantly. Oh, I forgot to mention that the kitchen, aside from the eat-in area and the breakfast bar, will also have a large center island with a hanging pot rack over it, plus tons of cabinet and pantry space, and a dishwasher. However, it won’t have granite counter tops or stainless appliances because everything I’ve ever heard about them is that they’re a bitch to clean. That’s not for me. I just want to wipe them down and go – no special cleaners or worrying if I’ve scratched something. Uh-uh, that’s so not me.

Anyway, I don’t think I’m asking a lot for a home. I just want what I want and I want it sooner rather than later. There’s no harm in it. I’ve worked hard for a good portion of my life, and I intend to continue working hard for the remainder of my life. I deserve that house and my kids deserve that house. My parents rented homes my entire life; my mother never owned a home of her own. She also moved us constantly and I won’t do that to my kids. I think I mentioned that before, right? I fully intend to own my own home one day so the kids can grow up there and will always have a place to call “home” even after they’re grown and on their own. I did own a co-op with Steve from about 1995-2000 but it was a small, one-bedroom so I don’t really count that. When I say I want a home, I mean I want what I described in the previous paragraphs. That would be fabulous, and I can’t wait to have it.

I guess I don’t have a choice but to wait, though, since I’m always waiting. I think I mentioned that earlier tonight right? Yea, that’s what started this whole thing. See how things come back to where they started. Pretty cool, huh? So, I’ll wait to get my BIG money, and my BIG house; and you can wait with me. At least I’m not waiting alone, and I appreciate that. If you wait with me until my dreams come to fruition, I will invite you to play pool in my finished basement and sleep in my guest room. I promise.

Until next time…peace to all.