I Can Only Control Me

My kitchen is almost completely packed. Other than food, all I’ve got left is stuff we use every day. That’s not bad. My room, other than my closet is also done. I just need someone to buy my furniture so I can start organizing what I’m packing rather than just having boxes just sitting around the different rooms. Someone will buy it; I know it. No worries.

The rest of the kitchen was all I did today with the exception of laundry. I just sat on the “sofa” and watched TV again while Dolly played with her friends. After all the complaining I did about not having anything to do, I just can’t get in the mood for packing. I don’t know why because I can’t wait to get out of here and get on with my life. Maybe it’s because I’m worrying over the furniture, or because I don’t really relish my kids spending two weeks with their dad. I don’t know. He’s more than welcome to see them since he hasn’t seen them in two years; I just wish he would consider them before himself.

What I mean is, he’s going to have them from July 30 to about August 18. That only leaves them four days to get acclimated to their new surroundings at Ellen’s house before school starts. That’s not really fair to them but Paul is so concerned over the fact that he hasn’t seen them in so long that he wants to make as much of this vacation as he can. I understand how he feels but it’s his own fault he hasn’t seen them. He insists on having them with him in NY rather than driving or flying out here to spend time with them. That doesn’t make sense to me. If you haven’t seen your kids in a while, wouldn’t you make any arrangements you could to see them, regardless of the location? I know I would.

He won’t do that, though, because if he’s not around his family and friends he can’t show off what a good daddy he wants them to think he is. Yes, everyone will be complimenting him on what great kids he has but he doesn’t seem to understand that he had nothing to do with it. I’ve been raising them by myself for the past few years so whatever good behavior they’ve been taught, they’ve been taught by me. As well, some of their bad habits are from me, too. I haven’t raised perfect kids, but I have raised them.

When he was asking me if he could bring them back to me on the 18th of August I agreed only because he’s doing so much to help us get moved back to the East Coast. I’m just not going to argue with him over it. Quite honestly, I don’t think the kids will even last that long with him; they’re going to get bored with nothing to do and/or upset with the way he treats them, and they’ll ask him to bring them home to me. I can almost guarantee that they’ll be home by the 14th, and he may even have to bribe them to stay that long. I could be wrong, but, knowing my kids the way I do, I think they’ll want to come home as soon as they’ve had their fill.

I just hope he behaves himself. Yes, I said “behaves” because that’s the correct word. If one more person asks another if he or she is “being haved” rather than “behaving” my head just might pop off my shoulders. See, he has a habit of bullying people into doing what he wants them to do, even by just speaking calmly. For example, he’s not thrilled that Zach got his ears pierced so he told me that Zach is on his “bad boy” list because of it. According to him Zach asked his opinion before having it done, got a negative response, but did it anyway. Gee, haven’t you ever done anything your parents didn’t like? Uh, yea, you have.

I even told him he can’t use that against Zach to deny him one thing because of this. For example, “I’m not going to do this because you got your ears pierced.” He said he won’t but I don’t believe him. I think he’ll keep dropping hints at Zach until Zach feels bad enough to take out the earrings. If he does that, there will be issues between us that he’ll never forget. I will, however, make sure Zach knows that he has to do what feels better to Zach rather than doing what other people want him to do. He can’t spend his entire life making decisions based on what his dad, or anyone else, thinks. I know he’s only seven and it’s hard for him to stand up to his dad, but I’ll help him in that respect because I won’t allow my kids to be bullied by anyone regardless of the issue.

I know the kids are excited to be seeing him but it makes me nervous because I know how their dad can be. I really hate seeing them treated the way I was treated or the way he treated them before he left. It wasn’t fair but I don’t know how to stop it. I can’t control anyone but myself but the kids will eventually recognize what kind of person their dad is and will probably decide they don’t want to be around him anymore. I won’t blame them, nor will I force them to visit if they don’t want. He’s the one laying the foundation for their relationship, and he’s the one who’ll have to find a way to rectify it when it falls to pieces. I’ll be there for the kids; he’ll have to find someone to be there for him because it won’t be me.

I guess it doesn’t matter what I think about things right now because I don’t know how he’ll be with them; even though I can strongly suspect. I’ll just have to wait and see. With luck, everything will be just fine and they’ll have a great time. If not, I’ll be just a phone call away and will go get them if need be. We’ll see what happens in another few weeks.

Until next time…peace to all.