Boundaries, You Doormat

When I was a kid, I was an easy target for bullies and anyone else who wanted to make fun of me. My mother never taught me how to handle my feelings or how to deal with the people who picked on and made fun of me. If I was crying, she’d tell me not to be such a baby. I didn’t know how to handle the abuse, the abusers, or the negative feelings; and she never taught me how to set up boundaries. After a lifetime of abusive relationships and five years of counseling and support groups, though, I thought I had learned how to set up my boundaries. I think I’m wrong; I’m beginning to think I need more work in some areas.

There are areas where I have no problem standing my ground and letting people know just how far they can go before they’ve gone too far. My ex-husband is a prime example. The “Love and Logic” techniques I learned in the classes and from attending the parent support group work really well on him. They allow me to set up my boundaries with him and to let him know when he’s crossed the line. The techniques also work with neighbors and anyone else who feels the need to get in my face for any reason. Get snippy with me and I have no problem letting you know, politely but firmly, that you’ve gotten under my skin and I won’t take any more from you. Ask me to do something and I’m willing to help. Take advantage of my hospitality and I’ll clam up and not say a word. I can’t figure out why.

I very rarely ask for favors from anyone but, when I do, I pay them back with more than is required. For instance, if I borrow a cup of milk from you, I’ll buy you a half gallon of milk the next day; if I borrow a few pieces of tape to wrap a gift, I’ll buy you a roll of tape the next time I go shopping. That’s just the way I am; I don’t like asking for help so I want to make sure it’s repaid when and if I do ask. That type of help, though, isn’t really a big deal to me; constantly asking someone to watch my kids is a big deal. I had these children and I accept them as my responsibility. It’s my job to care for them; not to pawn them off on my neighbors every chance I get.

The only time I ask my neighbors to watch my kids is if I’ve got something extremely quick to do and it’ll take longer to load the kids into the van than it will to do the actual errand; or if I’ve got an appointment that will overlap the time that the kids will arrive home from school. One time I even asked a friend to watch them because I had to pick up someone from the train station late at night and I didn’t want to have to drag the kids along. Other than those few times, I don’t go out on dates, I don’t go out to eat with my friends, I don’t go on shopping sprees by myself, and I don’t just ask anyone to watch my kids for the hell of it. That would be unloading three kids onto someone else who probably already has kids of their own. In my mind, it’s not fair; so why does everyone else think it’s okay to do to me? I’ll tell you why, because I’m a doormat, that’s why.

Yesterday and today I watched my neighbor’s three kids – four, two and four months. The parents were supposed to be taking a class somewhere for six hours each day and were paying me to watch the kids. Okay, I wasn’t really keen on it but extra money always comes in handy. I had only had them for about three hours yesterday when Mom showed up at my door telling me the class had been cancelled. She’d only paid me half at that point and I offered it back to her. She declined saying she’d probably still have me watch them today so she could go fill out some job applications. Fine, I could still do what I needed to with extra kids around so it really wasn’t a problem. She brought them over about 8:30 this morning and left to do what she needed to do. I cleaned my house and was trying to find something to do with these kids when she came back with a cheeseburger for each of us for lunch. She also paid me the other half of the money. We all ate and chatted then she asked if I would mind if she took a nap for a while. “YES! YOU’RE HOME, TAKE YOUR KIDS,” my mind screamed; “No, go ahead,” my mouth said. So I messed around on the computer while she went home and slept.

Her husband had been at work at 8:00 and his shift ended at 2:00, so he should be home by 2:30. He could come and pick up the kids while his wife napped. Well, 2:30 came and went, with him arriving home but never showing up on my door. Time ticked on: 2:45, 3:00, 3:15, 3:30 – Mom finally came back to get the kids. What the fuck is that? Is it really fair for someone to ask me to watch their kids and then go home to take a nap, then to have Dad get home and take a break from the kids also? I don’t think so. Yes, I got paid to watch them but the time I got paid for had come and gone.

I’m a single parent, folks. My ex lives 1800 miles away so it’s just me with my kids when they’re not in school. I have no co-parent, no roommate, no significant other, nobody but me to care for my kids – and that’s okay. Sure I complain about it sometimes but I accept it because that’s my job as a parent. Everyone else I know has extra help in their homes be it the second parent, a grandparent, another relative, what have you. Why am I the one always called upon to watch everyone else’s kids when they’ve got something to do; and why does it always have to be more than one of the kids?

An hour or two is one thing but when I’m constantly being asked to watch two to three kids for five and six hours, and sometimes overnights, that’s getting to be too much. I would never do that to anyone. I remember one time that I did ask a friend to watch my kids so I could go to the comedy club with another friend. The guy I asked to watch them had custody of his own two daughters but his girlfriend would be there to help. I only asked them to watch the kids for about three hours but he called during the show and told me not to pick them up until the next morning. I was grateful but felt really guilty and arrived at his house promptly at the time we agreed I’d retrieve my kids. Since then I’ve never asked anyone to watch my kids for me so I could go out; but I also haven’t had the opportunity to go anywhere either.

Not only do I get asked all the time, but the money I get paid rarely compensates me for my time and expenses. When I say ‘expenses’ I’m really saying ‘food costs.’ These kids eat constantly, without exaggeration. When I do my food shopping I plan for my kids and me and don’t really think of feeding extra kids. So when I’m babysitting three kids, I really don’t expect to be feeding them any more than I feed my own kids. I shouldn’t have to make extra sandwiches because a kid can’t control his eating; I shouldn’t have to run out of a huge box of Goldfish because the kids can’t stay out of my kitchen; nor should I have to make three pitchers of juice because the kids can’t stay out of my fridge. I don’t know what you do in your home, but that’s not how we do it here. Your kids should be fed before they arrive and should be told that constantly asking for food and drink is impolite, especially when I’m not getting paid enough to replace all the food that the extra kids ate.

My problem is I don’t know how to say ‘no’ and I don’t know how to address the food and other issues that I’ve already mentioned to the parents but who don’t seem to get the hint. I don't know how to set up boundaries so that we can all be comfortable with the rules of my home, and my conditions for babysitting. I try to help my friends because that’s what friends do for one another and because I think they would do it for me if I asked them. I can’t say they would for sure because of past experience with different ‘friends.’ I’m just tired of being the first one called when someone needs a babysitter. My friends all have family around here but my name seems to come up first. Why? I’ve already told you why, because I’m a doormat who can't set up boundaries. I’m actually thinking of getting it tattooed on my forehead so everyone will know; I’ve still got time tonight, the place doesn’t close for a couple of hours. Oops, I forgot, I can’t; I’m babysitting – again.

Until next time…peace to all.