How Stupid of Me

We’ve all done some stupid shit from time to time; admit it, you have. I know I have and I laugh at myself whenever I do; I can’t help it. I know you’re laughing at me so I may as well join in the fun. For instance, I once locked the keys in my then-boyfriend’s car while it was still running. Another friend and I had taken the car to run an errand and were just bullshitting when we got to our destination. We got out of the car and, immediately upon both of us shutting the doors, we stopped, turned toward one another, and busted out laughing because the car was running with the keys inside and the doors were locked. Why one of us didn’t realize it before the slamming of the doors only the Universe knows. It was like simultaneous stupidity struck us at that moment.

Then there was the time, shortly after my mother died that my dad, that same boyfriend, and I all came back to Missouri from Long Island to spend the holidays with my mom’s family – Grandma, Aunts, Uncle, Cousins. My aunt and I left the house to go get some dinner for everyone and we took my grandmother’s old-model Oldsmobile because it was at the end of the driveway. The whole time we were in the fast food place we were bullshitting and when we walked out we got into the car. My aunt was having trouble putting the key in the ignition and I was noticing little differences in the car. My aunt was still taking the entire time, mind you.

While she was chattering and trying to get the key to work, I was looking around the car thinking, “Gee, Grandma’s gloves are missing from the front seat, and the clothes pin she had on the visor is gone. And would you look at that, someone put a little compass on the dashboard while we were gone.” Suddenly, like someone slapped me in the face, I looked at my aunt and said, “This isn’t Grandma’s car.” She looked and me and asked, “Hmm? What?” So I repeated myself. That’s when she noticed that it wasn’t her mom’s car and we both scrambled to get out – just in the knick of time, too, because the true owners arrived, literally 45 seconds later. We had almost run to Grandma’s car and got in, laughing so hard we could barely breathe. Imagine, two identical cars, both older in age, sitting in the parking lot with just one space between them, neither of them with the doors locked. What are the odds? We laughed all the way back to my aunt’s house and while relating the story to all the others, who didn’t quite laugh as hard as we did. Guess it was one of those “you had to be there” moments.

Now you’re wondering why I’m telling you all of this, right? Come on, admit it, you are. Well, I’ll tell ya. I did something today that I can’t believe I did. I think I did it today; I’m not sure how it all started but it did, and I ended it today. I drive a 2001 Ford Windstar minivan that I bought three years ago. (For some reason, all my ‘stupidity’ stories revolve around cars tonight; I don’t know why, but there are lots that have nothing to do with cars. I’ll save those for another night.) I recently named my van Morrison if you recall from previous posts. Anyway, when I buy a new car, whether showroom new or just new to me, I read the manual front to back to see what my new toy has to offer me. It’s fun and I learn a lot. That’s what I did when I got the van; I had to know everything about it. I learned it all; that’s my job as a van owner and responsible driver.

This minivan doesn’t have the automatic sliding doors; we’ve actually go to pull them open and closed by hand. No biggie, I can use the exercise. When the boys became old enough to open and close the doors, I taught them how but still got really annoyed when they’d just grab the inside latch and use that to pull the door open. Now, when I say ‘latch’ I mean the basic door-opening handle. There’s one on every door of a car that gets opened by a passenger; you just pull it inward as you push out on the door. Ya with me? Good. Now that we all know what I’m talking about, I can continue. So they’d use the latch to slide open the doors that are over half the length of the van and severely heavy rather than grabbing onto the handle attached to the upper part of the door – the handle that’s supposed to be used for that purpose. I kept telling them they were going to break the latch and the door wouldn’t open from the inside anymore if they didn’t stop yanking on it. They didn’t stop and one morning as we were getting out at a store, the boys couldn’t get the passenger-side sliding door open from the inside. Great, they broke it. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Nothing, leave it, I don’t have the money.

So school starts and I began driving them to school in the cold weather. I not only drove my two boys up to the school, but Dolly and I also drove two of their friends. Not being able to slide open the door to let themselves all out at the school curb, the four of them had to file between the two front seats and exit through the front passenger door. Yes, they could’ve gotten out the driver-side rear sliding door but that would have been dangerous. You don’t drop off children on the side of traffic, silly. I also could’ve parked the van and gotten out to open the door for them from the outside but that would have held up traffic. The passenger door was the best, albeit the most inconvenient, method. They kept bumping my rearview mirror and falling over whatever I had in my front floor board.

This kept up the entire time I drove them during cold/bad weather. Then school ended and it wasn’t an issue anymore. Great. At least my kids can still open the other sliding door from the inside. Besides, when we go shopping or whatever, that’s the safest side for them to exit the van. All was well until about two weeks ago. We’d gone somewhere, the exact location really isn’t important right now, and Zach couldn’t get the door open from the inside anymore. What the fuck?!! Come on already!! Why can’t they just leave things alone instead of messing with them and why can’t they follow directions? Now my other door is broken and I have to stand outside the van and open it for them. Not fair. Yes, I’m being a baby because now I couldn’t even send one of them out of the van to run a quick errand.

Fast forward to today. “Fast forward? Shit, I didn’t think there’d ever be an end to this story.” I can hear what you’re thinking; trust me, I can. Anyway, today I take Dolly and Ty food shopping while Zach stayed with a friend. The kids and I go through the store, get our food and head back to Morrison who was waiting patiently for us. Ty had run into me with a buggy, hurting my ankle and my back so I wasn’t exactly happy when we got to Morrison. I unlocked the doors, opened them, and told the kids to get in while I loaded the bags in the back. Now how many times have I opened these van doors in the three years I’ve owned it? I don’t know, let’s do the math. Say, on average, four times a week for three years – that’s 624 times, and that’s a lot for me especially since I don’t go anywhere.

Back to the story. The doors are opened for the kids to get in, I load the bags in the back, return the cart to the cart return and circle back around the van to slide the door shut. As I get to the door I suddenly notice a black plastic switch-looking thingy poking out of the inner edge of the door; the metal edge of the door with all the mechanical parts that actually meet as the door shuts to hold it in place. You know what I’m talking about; the greasy part of the door that you can’t see once it’s closed. There’s this black plastic switch-looking thingy poking out of it. It looks almost like a light switch and it’s in the ‘up’ position. I push it down; then pull it up, and back down again, up again; wondering what it is. Here comes the BIG DUH moment. Are you ready? Are you sitting down? Right next to this switch thingy is a sticker that’s been there for the life of the car, I can only assume, since I don’t think there’s a sticker fairy that just randomly puts stickers in places when and where we least expect it. It’s a white sticker with green lettering and it’s about 1 ½” square. It says, (HERE IT COMES FOLKS): Child Lock Below (that black thingy) When locked (in the up position) door will not open from the inside.

You sneaky mother fuckers!!! For over a year, I’ve been blaming my kids for breaking the door, and I’ve had them using the front passenger door to exit the van because the sliding door wouldn’t open from the inside; and then the other door broke. Are you fucking kidding me? I walk to the other side of the van, open the door and find that same black switch thingy in the ‘up’ position with that same little white-with-green sticker next to it. I did what any logically thinking person would do and pushed both switches to the down position, slid both doors shut, and had Tyler open them from the inside. Wouldn’t you fucking know it; it worked. I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself. Since I’m not ready to take responsibility for my stupidity just yet, I’ll blame the manufacturers. None of this was in the manual and I don’t spend a lot of time reading the inner edges of my car doors; I shouldn’t have to. My kids can now exit the van by opening the sliding doors for themselves, from the inside again, though, so all is well.

Until next time…peace to all.