More "Love and Logic"

As promised, I’m returning to the “Love and Logic” information I wanted to share last night before I got sidetracked. I talked, on Thursday, about Mom and/or Dad running out of energy when the children make bad choices; tonight I wanted to offer some methods that can also work and it has to do with offering the children choices. First, always offer choices that don’t affect anyone but the child; and, second, keep the choices age appropriate.

When Ty was four and Zach was three, they attended Headstart pre-school, and they took a bus to school every morning. One really cold winter morning Ty decided he was going to poke around getting ready for school. The bus would be at the stop in less than ten minutes and he was still in his pajamas. I offered him a choice, “You can choose to get dressed here in the house, or you can choose to get dressed at the bus stop. Either way, you will be dressed before you get on the bus.” He decided to get dressed at the bus stop. He grabbed his clothes, shoes, and backpack and headed for the door. The instant the freezing air hit him, he decided he’d made the wrong choice and got dressed – lickety-split – right there in front of the door. He never poked around getting ready for school after that. When he does it now, because he’s older, he’s got the choice to get dressed at home or to carry his clothes with him to school and get dressed there. He usually opts to get dressed here.

Just a quick side note: If you decide to try some of these suggestions, make sure you call the school ahead of time to let the teacher/principal/school liaison – someone that comes in contact with your child – know that you are practicing “Love and Logic” at home. They will back you up on it but they should be warned in advance so they’re not surprised to see your child show up to school in pjs; and they’ll know your side of the story. I’ve done that myself a time or two and my kids have always been surprised that they were being double teamed.

The choice method can be used any time there is a conflict where the child wants all the control. It’s okay to give children some control, it lets them know their opinions count, but the choices are things you, the parent, can live with, too. Say Junior doesn’t like what Mom made for dinner. Rather than Mom getting frustrated and making a separate meal for Junior, or yelling and having everyone get upset, the child’s choice might sound like this, “You can choose to eat what I’ve made for dinner or you can choose to wait until breakfast to eat again.” If Junior doesn’t want to wear his coat in the winder you can offer her this: “You can choose to wear the red coat or the green coat.” If Junior voices a different option, “I don’t want to wear any coat,” you can say, “I’m sorry, that’s not one of the choices. Please choose between the red coat and the green coat.” The choices give the kids some control in the situation but the parents still get what they want too.

For chores that children don’t want to do, choices still come in handy but the consequences are different. In my house I’ll ask the kids to clean their rooms. I don’t specify when they have to clean them but I will specify a completion deadline. On Friday afternoon I might say, “I would appreciate it if you guys would clean your rooms before dinner tomorrow night.” My suggestion leaves them with the choice of when they will clean their rooms. Because I want them cleaned over the weekend, my giving a Saturday deadline leaves them some bargaining room, too. They might counter with, “Can we clean them on Sunday morning instead?” So here’s where the final choice would enter. “I don’t mind if you clean them on Sunday morning. However, you can choose to clean them before lunch on Sunday or you can choose to have me clean them for you.” In my house, and considering the ages of my children, my cleaning their rooms means that whatever I clean up, I keep. They know that and after the first two times of me cleaning their rooms, they’ve never neglected to clean them up since. Granted, I may have to start toward the kitchen to get the big plastic bag but once they see me on the move they’re running up the stairs so fast they leave skid marks.

With older kids you can use the same method but a little differently. You can tell them that they can do their chores or they can pay you (or someone else) to do them. As long as they have the funds and as long as the chores get done, so be it. If they don’t have any actual money, they can trade you personal belongings (CD players, MP3 players, CDs, DVDs – anything that can be sold at the local pawn shop); or they can “pay” you by doing some of your chores – whatever you think is comparable for the work you’ve done for them. An alternate method is you paying someone to do the chore and having your child pay you back for it. It’s basically the same principle.

Junior didn’t mow the lawn as he was asked and you mention it to him. “Gee, I see you didn’t get to the lawn today. That’s a shame.” He responds, “Well, I just didn’t have the time. I’ll do it tomorrow.” You counter, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it myself.” You have the choice now of either doing it yourself or hiring little Bobby from down the street to mow it. Either way Junior has to pay for the work done. You’ll tell him, “I just paid Bobby to mow the lawn. It cost me $25. How do you plan on paying me back for that?” Now it’s up to Junior to come up with a way to reimburse you. Do this once or twice and Junior might get the hint and when he hears you say, “Don’t worry about it…” he’ll jump to the task before you can finish the rest of the sentence.

Nothing I’m giving you is guaranteed to work immediately or all the time or even at all. They’re just suggestions that I’ve learned from taking the “Love and Logic” courses and seeing different “Love and Logic” videos in my parenting group. The ones I’ve suggested so far have worked for me in the past; not every time, mind you, but mixing and matching techniques usually gets me some results. Matter of fact, Zach didn’t want to go to the group two weeks ago, and it was the second time he didn’t want to attend. One week I asked a neighbor if she would watch him for a couple of hours. The next week I made him ask a different neighbor to watch him. (The way I see it, I had these kids and they’re my responsibility, not the neighbors’. If he wanted to stay, he’d have to ask himself.)

No money was involved in either of these two kid sitting events. However, I made it clear to Zach when we arrived home later that second night that, if he chose to stay home any more, he’d be responsible for paying someone to watch him. When he asked where he’d get the money, I immediately suggested the $20 he’d gotten for his birthday. I said that $10 a night for two nights would work for two Thursdays; after that he’d have to resort to doing chores for whichever neighbor agreed to watch him: cleaning the bathrooms or the kitchen as well as doing dishes might work as payment. He attended PACT with us this past Thursday and hasn’t mentioned staying home again.

Until next time…peace to all.