It's None of Your Business

I’m having a problem with two issues lately: The first with parents who hinder their children’s decision making capabilities; the second with people who feel the need to openly criticize parents who don’t hinder their children’s decision making capabilities. If that doesn’t make sense, don’t worry, I’ll explain.

I allowed my seven-year-old son, Zach, to get his ears pierced this past weekend; not one ear, but both ears, because that’s what he wanted. He’s seven and should be able to make some decisions for himself about his own life and his own personal being. I didn’t let him jump off the roof of our townhome, I didn’t let him run down the middle of the highway, and I didn’t allow him to take up smoking or get a tattoo. I let him get both of his ears pierced. What is the big fucking deal?

Last night my ex-husband, the kids’ dad made a post on Facebook stating that he is not happy about his seven-year-old son getting both of his ears pierced. My first problem with the post is that Dad should call Mom if he has a problem with something in Zach’s household. He should not post it on a public forum. I know why he did it, though; it was for the attention he would receive from his friends, and it worked – sort of. I’m thinking he didn’t get as many responses as he would have liked. The few he did get were directed more toward me than the issue of the pierced ears: There was a “Yikes,” a “Both? Oy,” and an “Oh shit.” One said, “Hell NO!” another said, “Interesting judgment. (I’ll take it not yours)” and yet another said, “Oh wow, he’s so young. I can’t believe that she did that. Did you get any heads up?”

I waited all day for him to respond to these people just to see what he’d have to say about it. I’m going to assume that he chose not to respond in writing because I’d be able to see what he wrote. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he responded to that last comment in person or over the phone. When the night was through, though, I did respond to them all with a simple, but polite, response. I wrote, “’She’” would like to thank everyone for their comments, but, really, this isn’t any of your concern. This was Zach’s choice, he’s been asking for two years, and as long as Zach is healthy and happy, that’s all that should matter to anyone, including his dad. Pierced ears are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things; and they’re not permanent, dangerous, or life-threatening. Have a wonderful evening.” That’s not too bad, right? Funny, but there hasn’t been a response to what I wrote. Go figure.

Zach didn’t see the posts but I find it interesting that he came in the house today asking if he could take out the earrings. When I asked why (and I’ll admit I was angry because I’d driven across town and spent $20 on it after all his begging) he told me that he didn’t realize that it was so much work (cleaning them a couple times a day), that he’d have to leave them in so long (he was warned it would be six weeks), and a couple of other things. Then he got down to brass tacks and said, “Well, Dad didn’t sound happy about it when I told him.” That, pretty much, made me explode. Who is Dad to impart his opinion on his son when Zach’s pierced ears aren’t hurting or affecting anyone? That pissed me off like you would not believe.

That’s what I meant by the issue of parents who hinder their children’s decision making capabilities. Zach decided he wanted his own ears pierced. Nobody put him up to it. Am I thrilled about it; not really, but it’s what he wanted. I didn’t voice my negative feelings and when Zach asked if I would like it if he got his ears pierced I told him that it’s important that he make that decision on his own. He did and, honestly, Zach looks good with it and can carry two earrings. Tyler would never be able to do that; his face is much softer than Zach’s. Today Zach explained to me that Dad “sounded real disappointed when I told him and just said, ‘Oh, okay.’” He was almost in tears while he was telling me this.

Their dad has always done that to them and it makes me sick. When Tyler was three-going-on-four, we’d come home from a support group where Ty had played with a doll while in the playcare for two hours. Even though I don’t listen to their phone calls with their dad I distinctly heard Dad say, “Daddy doesn’t like it when you play with dolls, Ty. Dolls are for girls and Daddy doesn’t want you playing with dolls anymore. Okay, Ty?” That child’s eyes welled up with tears so fast that I almost cried. He agreed with his dad and hung up the phone; then looked at me with teary eyes and a crackling voice and repeated what his dad had said. I explained that it was okay for him to play with anything he wanted as long as it wasn’t hurting him or anyone else. I further said that, if Dad didn’t want him playing with dolls at Dad’s house, then Ty shouldn’t; but he was absolutely permitted to play with dolls outside of Dad’s house. That made him feel a lot better and he cheered up quickly.

That’s exactly what Dad did to Zach with the earring thing. He used a tone of voice (Zach imitated it) that showed Zach Dad’s utter disappointment in Zach, completely crushing the child’s feelings of excitement and pride in his new look. That’s what Zach has been thinking about since Sunday night, and why he’s been in a mood – because of his dad’s tone of voice over the phone. Zach and I discussed it today and I told him that nobody’s opinion of his earrings is as important as his own opinion; and that he should do what he wants to do regardless of what anyone else thinks. Then I told him that, if he was so worried about what other people think, he should feel okay about the earrings because I love them and all the friends of ours who I sent pictures to (and I named names) also loved them. These are people Zach puts a lot of trust in and whose words hold weight with him. Then I looked up WWE wrestlers and we found out that one of his favorite wrestlers also wears two earrings. Zach feels much better now.

Good thing, too, or I might have said something to his Dad. Not only did Dad have the nerve to, once again, hurt his child, but he had the nerve to discuss the problem publicly in an attempt to get in a little ex-wife bashing. Remember the “I can’t believe that SHE did that” comment? You’re funny. See, she has a name; she didn’t “do” anything but allow her son to make a personal decision; and she doesn’t have to give anyone a heads up about her business. Dad had a heads up for two years now; and I will verbally kick the shit out of you if you butt into my business again. What goes on in my house is my business and just because your opinion doesn’t agree with mine, doesn’t make mine wrong. Deal with it. Besides, the stories you’re getting from my ex-husband about me are probably 99% incorrect; I’m not the unfit mother he makes me out to be or I wouldn’t still have my kids.

In any case, before you jump to conclusions next time, simply based on his side of the story, why don’t you take into account all of the factors and, if you can’t do it by yourself, contact me and I’ll fill you in on the rest. That goes for any of the rest of you who feels the need to make a negative comment about me, a person you don’t know from Eve. I’ve got nothing to hide and will tell you anything you want to know, but I won’t accept you bashing me for any reason. None of you is the perfect parent; and given my current circumstances, I know I’m doing a helluva job with my kids. You don’t agree; I’m so sorry to hear that. However, you should really keep your opinions to yourselves and mind your own business.

Until next time…peace to all.