Don't Lie To Me

Zachary decided he was going to sleep in my bed again tonight. I don’t understand why but, whatever. Dolly was already in there and Zach was asking for the TV remote. I didn’t think it was fair to always have him picking what they watch so I specifically asked her what she wanted to watch. She chose and that’s the channel we selected. I gave hugs and kisses and then went to give Tyler his. In the two minutes I was in the other room, Zach had taken the remote and asked Dolly if she wanted to watch something else – something he wanted to watch. What a gentleman.

I took control of the remote and asked him why he changed the channel. He said Dolly told him she wanted to watch the new show. It’s a show called “Zeke and Luther” on the Disney XD channel and it’s about skateboarding boys. Yea, that seems like something Dolly would ask to watch. I don’t think so. So the discussion turned to Zach lying to me. Don’t lie to me under any circumstances. This was such a small lie, too, that I couldn’t figure out what the big deal was and why he was sticking so adamantly to his story. He thought I was going to get angry, which I wasn’t, I just didn’t think it was fair of him to take advantage of his little sister’s generosity. She always gives in to Zach and always has; and, yes, he takes advantage of it. Regardless, the rule in this house is “No lying” and Zach knows that.

I told him to tell me the truth; that I wasn’t going to get angry; I just wanted him to admit what he’d done. He wouldn’t do it. He got angry with me. Ah, defensiveness: one of the first signs of a lie cover-up. I explained to him that I REALLY CAN’T STAND lying and the needed to fess up about the TV thing. Nope, he wouldn’t do it. So I walked out of the room saying that he could spend the day in the house tomorrow unless he wanted to confess, which caused him to go into a tantrum but to finally admit he’d lied to me about Dolly asking him to change the TV channel.

I’ve told these kids from the time they could understand me that lying is severely taboo in our home. People lied to me all my life and I can’t stand it!!! I have severe trust issues because of it. My mother lied to me about stupid shit and some not-so-stupid shit. Why? Some of it was to cover her own ass and run from her mistakes; and other lies were to make herself look better. I can remember her lying to friends over really stupid crap, too; telling them she had the nurses roll her onto her stomach after my sister and I were each born because she liked to sleep on her stomach and hadn’t been able to while pregnant. What a load of bull! She died when I was 31 and, in the 26 of those 31 years that I lived at home, I never recall seeing my mother sleep on her stomach. She always slept on her back.

She told my sister and me that she nursed us as infants yet our baby books say we were formula fed; dates and times of events don’t match up with what my mother told me to what I can actually recall or what I’ve read. She even told me one man is my father (I’ve never met my biological father) when all evidence points to it being someone completely different; evidence I found in her basement after she and my dad (my stepdad, but the only father I’d ever known) had both died. It was there in writing that what she’d told me about her marriage to the man she claimed is my father and my date of birth and other incidents just doesn’t add up at all. Why lie to me? That was one to save her own ass and cover her big mistakes. “Fuck it if my daughter is screwed up over all of this; at least I’m in the clear.” What’s done is done, though; I can’t change the past, but I can damn sure make my future as lie-free as possible.

Most of my past relationships have involved people who’ve lied to me too, and I can’t stand it. It seems that I just go looking for these same types of relationships over and over. Now, though, that I know what to look for, and I know myself better, I can put a stop to lying before it goes too far whether with my kids or a possible future relationship. In the future, if I’m ever in a relationship, I will make sure the guy knows up front that lying is an instant deal-breaker with me. My kids don’t understand how bad it hurts me when they lie and I don’t know how to get them to understand. My past is nothing for them to know about at their young ages so the most I can say to them is that I was lied to in the past and it really hurt my feelings. I did explain to them the lie about my real dad so they’d understand the magnitude of what lie can do to a person. They seem to understand how big a lie can be, they just don’t understand the resulting damage that occurs.

Honestly, I can’t stand lying in any form, not when it’s a selfish (for lack of a better word) lie; the kind of lie that a person uses to stay out of trouble and to continue deviant behavior. Does that make sense? I mean, people lie all the time but sometimes for good reason; hiding a pleasant surprise from a friend or loved one, or sparing the feelings of someone else – those types of little white lies most people tell that don’t really cause any harm to anyone. I’m talking about the kinds of lies that need other lies to back it up in order to keep the truth hidden, or so the liar thinks: “I was at work, honey, the guys just didn’t see me because I wasn’t at my desk; I was using {fill in the name here}’s desk. And they couldn’t page me because we’ve been having trouble with the paging system in the office all day. The boss has a guy coming to look at it next week so, it might be better if you don’t call me at work for a while just because you probably won’t be able to reach me anyway. Just call my cell if you really need me. But, you know what; I’m going to be so busy on this new project that I really won’t have any time to chat so maybe it’ll just be better if I call you for the next couple of weeks when I’ve got the time.” Yea, right!!! Those are the types of lies to which I’m referring.

I don’t want my kids getting in the habit of lying now over small, insignificant issues because the habit will only continue and the stakes are much higher when they’re older. I know, all kids lie at times to keep out of trouble; and we have a rule here that covers that. If you tell me the truth the first time, you may or may not get into trouble for what you did; if you lie to me, when I find out, you will get in trouble twice, once for whatever you did, and once for lying. I know I’d only prefer to take my chances on possibly getting into trouble the first time rather than lying about it and assuring that I’ll definitely get into trouble later. Why don’t my kids understand this? I don’t give vicious punishments, we use discipline here. I’m not militant (although sometimes I should be), I don’t hit them (other than occasional swat on the butt when they are way out of control), and their discipline always fits the crime. There is nothing to fear in our house but they refuse to tell me the truth all the time. I don’t want them to be perfect, there is no such thing; and I don’t want them to think they have to pretend to be perfect. I’ve told them that I do trust them but that every time they lie to me it chips away at that trust and eventually I’ll have very little trust in them if they don’t learn to be 100% honest with me. They can work to regain my trust, they’re my kids; others aren’t so lucky. I’ll trust you until you give me reason not to. Once you break my trust it’s gone and you’ll be hard-pressed to get me to trust you again. One simple rule can keep everyone on an even keel – DON’T LIE TO ME, AT ALL, EVER!

Until next time…peace to all.