CRAVING!!

I don’t know where this came from, and I don’t know why, but I have been craving a cigarette so bad today that I almost can’t stand it. I woke up feeling that way. I came downstairs this morning and waited for the kids to get out of bed so the boys could clean their room. First I had them eat breakfast so there wouldn’t be any “I’m hungry and I need to stop and eat” breaks; then we went upstairs to being the job of cleaning. I’m watching a friend’s kids (two of them, anyway) until tomorrow morning and they were supposed to arrive around 10:00 this morning. Since Zach’s birthday was yesterday I didn’t force the bedroom cleaning issue but I wanted it done today before the two extra kids got here.

The room was messier than I thought it was because there was stuff pushed way back under the dressers that shouldn’t have been there. Needless to say, the boys lied last week when they told me they’d cleaned their room because all they did was push the stuff out of sight. Most kids do, but with the new discipline technique we’re trying I figured they’d do the right thing, for the first week, at least. I was wrong and I really hate, and I don’t use that word often, lying. They lied to me about cleaning their room so now they’re going to get two consequences – one for not cleaning the room and one for lying about it. Why don’t they get it? I’ve explained it so many times it should be visibly hanging in the air already. Lying is the absolute worst to me (other than abuse of any kind) because it encompasses so many other things at the same time. I just can’t handle lying in any form. But I am off track again. See what craving a cigarette does to me?

I woke up feeling like I wanted to light up but, of course, I don’t have any cigarettes. I could have gone out and bought some but I didn’t. I’ve got a little under $5 in the bank right now and that has to last me until Friday. Well, that’s what I was thinking this morning when I wanted that first-thing-in-the-morning smoke. So I just went about my business telling myself that I don’t really want one and that I’m stronger than a cigarette. Then the bedroom incident took place and that just strengthened my craving. Grrr….. Still, I didn’t go get any cigs, I just did whatever else I had to do around the house.

Then my friend dropped off her kids and the money she was paying me to watch them. Well, now I could go get a pack of cigs if I really wanted them, I had $20 in my pocket. I didn’t go; I talked myself out of it. But then I got really hungry. I ate a healthy snack. I played Scrabble on pogo.com. I painted my nails; I don’t usually do that but I’d painted Dolly’s earlier in the morning and the polish was still down here so, what the Hell. I did it. Then I read my new Reader’s Digest. While I was reading Ty, Zach and my friend’s kid went to the boys’ room to watch TV – something they weren’t supposed to be doing but at least it kept them from bugging me for a while. Dolly lay down on the sofa and fell asleep, and then I started to doze. I barely got in a few minutes of a nap when Zach came downstairs asking me what we were having for dinner. It was 3:30 in the afternoon for shit’s sake. Why would I even be thinking about dinner at that point? He left and I dozed again.

At 4:10 I woke up because I sensed Dolly waking up so that was the end of my nap because she was asking about dinner. What the fuck!!?? What’s the big deal about dinner when it isn’t even dinner time? Fine, I told them we’d have mac & cheese. Zach didn’t want mac & cheese because we always have mac & cheese when the other kids eat dinner with us. Gee Zach, what else is there to make that will feed five kids, when a couple of them never stop eating? Maybe hot dogs? Yea, fine, we can have hot dogs but they’ll all be gone tonight and I won’t be buying any for about three more weeks. He said that was fine. I still wanted a cigarette. I really wanted a cigarette now that they were getting on my nerves again. I didn’t have one.

I made dinner a while later and all the kids were happy. I was too because I got to eat. Since I didn’t have my cigarette, though, and because I’d indulged in some not-so-healthy foods over the past couple of days, I treated myself, again, to a you-really-shouldn’t-be-eating-this dinner. The kids had regular hot dogs and I had two, not one, but two, ¼-pound beef hot dogs, both with chili on them. Fuck it, if I can’t smoke today, I’m going to eat, and if you don’t like it, I don’t care. For whatever the reasons of the Universe, I was forced to live with this fucking cigarette craving all day and I’ve still got it. I still want a cigarette and I’ve been up since 7:15 this morning and it’s 10:20 at night now. How many hours is that? {me counting} That’s around 15 hours, right? Cravings aren’t supposed to last that long are they? I don’t know and I don’t care. I just want it to go away.

On Monday I’ll go back to the exercising and eating properly but since the Universe decided to make me feel this way all day long, fuck it. I’m going to eat what I want for today and tomorrow and nobody is going to stop me. Matter of fact, after I finish this blog entry I’m going into the kitchen to get me a big heaping bowl of the chocolate swirl ice cream I bought for Zach’s birthday yesterday. It’s the kind in the big plastic tub. I’m going to fill my bowl with it and then cover it with chocolate syrup. Then I’m going to sit on the sofa and watch TV while I eat my ice cream; and I’m going to savor every bite. I may even let it melt a little bit so I can stir it all up until it’s nice and creamy and so chocolate-y that it would make most people sick. I’m gonna do it because I can. I want a fucking cigarette and this is safer than me going out to buy a pack. No, I won’t be eating like this every night; I haven’t done that so far, have I? No, so just leave me alone about it.

I just hope this stupid craving is gone tomorrow because it might make me go insane if it doesn’t. Have you ever heard the song, “The Ballad of Lucy Jordan”? If you haven’t, Google it and take a listen; if you have, I’m climbing on the rooftop when all the laughter grows too loud. Maybe they’ll give me a cigarette in the whacky shack and I’ll be fine. Then they’ll tell me I must smoke to prevent further insanity. Maybe I’m a medical anomaly; yea, that’s it. I’m the only person in the World, so far, that has to smoke cigarettes to prevent illness. Wow! I could go on Letterman, and Oprah. I could write a book; maybe two. I’d be on the best seller list for weeks. They’d make a movie about my life. Yea! Debra Messing could play me. That would be so cool. I’d be rich and I’d be able to help my friends, and donate to all the places that helped me for these past couple of years. My kids’ lives would be better. We’d have everything we need and want. Yea, think of the possibilities.

Okay, back to Earth now. It’s never gonna happen and we all know it. The part about me going insane might happen but the rest is all bullshit. It is fun to dream, though. One thing I don’t have to dream about is that big bowl of ice cream. I’m going to get it just to spite the Universe. Until tomorrow…peace to all.