Not-so-happy Mother's Day

I don’t like holidays; I used to, but not anymore. When I was a kid and Mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I could think of a million things I’d seen on TV that I just had to have; my list for Santa was three pages long. It was the same with birthdays; there were new toys on TV for the summer months (my birthday is in July). I always got something from the Easter Bunny, and for Valentine’s Day, too. Then I grew up. The older I got the less I wanted. Mom would ask me what I wanted for Christmas or my birthday and I’d say “nothing” so she’d hound me until I told her something I wanted. She virtually forced me to tell her what I wanted; I worked, I could buy what I wanted, when I wanted it. Small gifts were still always there on Easter and Valentine’s Day, but how come nobody ever asked me what I wanted for those holidays? I haven’t figured that out yet. I ask my kids what they want the Easter Bunny to bring.

When I was in my teens I realized that I had to shop for gifts for other people. I really despise shopping in any form, but it was a must so I did what I had to do. It just made me dislike the holidays even more, especially when nobody would tell me what they wanted and I’d have to spend extra time trying to figure it out for myself. I would always decide what I was buying before I left the house so that, when I got to the mall or store, I’d go in, get what I wanted and get out quickly. Even at Christmas I had a list with everyone’s name on it and what gift they were getting from me. I did all of my shopping in one day and got it done in a couple of hours, at the place that had everything I needed at the best prices. YEA me.

Another problem I have with holidays is that a lot of them dictate that I have to buy a gift for someone I love so the gift selling people can have more of my money. Why? Why should I have to go and spend money on a gift to give to a person to tell that person I love him or her when I can just say it with words and a hug and kiss? I buy my kids gifts all the time – because I love them. Why do I have to go spend more money on them at specific holidays? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about the money aspect of it (other than the outrageous expense of things at holiday time), I’m irritated by the suggestion that the only way to show my family and friends that I love them is to buy them something. That’s not what love is, and it’s hard to teach my kids differently when society dictates otherwise. If gifts must be given, make them. My kids make gifts for their Dad for Christmas, Father’s Day and his birthday. They made me my Mother’s Day gifts for today. I love the gifts; but had a really bad day. I think I just had my expectations set too high.

My idea of holidays is that they shouldn’t be about what we give or receive; they should be about spending time with people we choose to spend them with, if we choose to spend them with anyone at all. I never had any of my extended family around because my mother raised my sister and me in NY while the rest of our family lived in MO. Now that I live in MO, I still don’t see my family because I don’t really know them. (Why I live here is another story for another time.) Anyway, I don’t do the big, family holiday thing but I was planning on spending today with my kids, just enjoying the day and having fun. I guess I expected too much out of them.

The morning started out really great. I heard them all down here talking in loud, Irish whispers, planning their little surprise. I tried to get a few more minutes of sleep but Zach came up and asked me to come downstairs. So I did. They had their little gifts all set up on the coffee table, just waiting for me, and, as I came down the stairs, they all yelled, “Happy Mother’s Day!!” It was sweet, and, right away, they started pushing gifts toward me. Ty made me a really sweet card and his teacher took a picture of him that he pasted on a background that he decorated, and then his teacher laminated it. Zach made me a little booklet his teacher had printed and stapled together. He filled in all kinds of information about me. It’s too cute. Dolly brought home a marigold that she’d planted in school for me, as well as more seeds for us to plant together. We did that. I love them all, kids and gifts alike.

Then we all had breakfast together, just toast, but it was okay since I don’t really eat anything big in the morning. Finally, we all sat down to watch “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeaqual” that Zach rented last night on OnDemand (with my permission). He decided that we all needed to watch it this morning. It was going really well, too. Then, out of the blue, things changed. All I did was get the video camera to capture a moment of the kids laughing really hard over one part in the movie. Suddenly, Dolly was switching seats and fighting with Zach; Ty was on the phone with their Dad (Paul) telling him about the video I just took and chatting about a project Paul is working on for the kids. When Ty hung up the phone, he couldn’t deal with Zach and Dolly fighting so he left the room and things went down hill from there.

For the rest of the day I was in a really bad funk. Whenever Dolly asked for something that I said “no” to, she’d throw a tantrum but her screaming was out of control and I was losing my mind. Ty got into a tiff with a neighborhood girl but didn’t tell me the entire truth, yet expected me to help with the problem; and them told Paul about it when I didn’t believe him. Zach was just Zach and his bossy attitude wouldn’t stop. It was just a mess of a day. It was probably my fault, though, because, like I said, I was expecting to have a really good day and I don’t think the kids can go an entire day without getting into trouble, or not doing something to make me crazy. Maybe, if I’d simply expected today to be like any other day, I wouldn’t have been so disappointed that it turned out the way it did. I’m just glad it’s over now.

When Christmas is on the way, I get tense, especially the past couple of years because I’ve had to rely on donations from outside agencies to get me through the holiday. Maybe this year I’ll be working and won’t have to dread it so much. Regardless, I still don’t like it. I actually look forward to it being over really quickly. The commercial aspect really grates on my nerves. I don’t like Valentine’s Day because I give my kids gifts of love all year long; besides, when I’m in a new relationship (not that I have one now, but I have in the past) and I really don’t know the guy all that well, what kind of gift am I supposed to get? Talk about pressure. Easter, to me, is just another day for the kids to get candy, along with Halloween. Have you seen the prices of costumes these days? Birthdays I can understand, so we won’t discuss those. The rest of them, though, are not for me.

If I didn’t have kids, I wouldn’t celebrate any holidays at all; not even Thanksgiving. Why cook all that food to have most of it shoved in the fridge only to be thrown away a week later? For the time being, I’ll just go along with the holidays and do what’s needed. Eventually the kids will be old enough to decide whether or not they want to celebrate. Maybe next year Mother’s Day will be better; maybe not. I’ll just have to wait and see. I do know that I won’t expect too much. As far as I’m concerned, it’ll just be another day to me. Right now, though, it’s quiet here and I’m off to bed where I will have happy dreams, and I will start anew in the morning. Until tomorrow…peace to all.