It's My Fault, But That's Okay

It was my fault. I never should have gotten my hopes up – again. You know how people say you should always hope for the best? Well, I learned a long time ago not to do that. Whenever I get my hopes up about something I’m always let down in one way or another. It’s always happened and it hasn’t stopped. I was just dumb enough to think that, just once in my life, things would go the way I wanted them to go. Boy was I wrong.

I started planning to move to Maryland last October; I’ve got the emails I started sending out then; that’s how I know. It was October, a full eight months ago that I came up with a plan to make the lives of my kids and me better. Apparently, though, we are undeserving of such a better life. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just stating a fact; this is what is and I can’t change it. I can’t get anyone to help me with this bullshit, either. I can’t save any money on my own because I don’t get but a little over $900 a month in child support which barely covers our bills. I can’t work because I have nobody to help watch my kids, and I can’t afford daycare. If I did make any money, my rent would go up, my foodstamps would go down, and I’d still have nothing left and nobody to babysit.

I’ve called and/or emailed every major moving company I can find in the phone book and none of them are willing to help a low-income family relocate. None of the local agencies that help low-income families in other areas (rent assistance, gas, electricity, etc.) work with moving companies to help people like me relocate, either. I’ve called every one of them that I can think of and they either have no information on any agency that does such a thing, or they don’t respond at all. Remember my post the other night about business etiquette? There ya go. My ex-husband, who also said he wants to help with the move won’t even commit to an amount or anything that he’s willing to contribute. So this is the deal; I’ve come up with an alternate plan. I’m not moving, at all. My kids will grow up here in Independence, MO.

I’m waiting for one last-ditch attempt to get some help from a moving company. I called them last Thursday; they said they wanted to help me, and would have the man in charge of what I need call me, but he never did. When I called back on Friday I was told that two of the managers were out of the office so it was a bit busy, but that he would get back to me as soon as he had the time. I’m not putting any stock in it, though; I’ve already gotten my hopes up and squashed about the move since last October, and enough is enough. All my life I’ve gotten my hopes up thinking that things would get better, but they never did. My life with my mother never got better; I hoped my relationships would get better; they didn’t. Then, when I met my ex-husband I thought my life would be bliss and it was the worst relationship I’ve ever had; I went from mediocre in one relationship to complete and utter horror and torment with my ex. Now I’m single/divorced and am content to stay that way. Why bother getting my hopes up when I’ll only be let down, again? Besides, living here, there isn’t much opportunity for me to meet anyone anyway. That’s fine with me because the relationship would probably be worse than the one I had with my ex.

Anyway, I’ll wait for this one last company to get back to me but I won’t count on receiving that call, and, if they do call, I won’t count on a lot of help being offered. I even have my information out to a friend who works for a similar company, but, since I’m not on any route they might have, there’s a 0% chance that her branch can help. That’s okay. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that the kids and I will be here next year. School starts in another seven weeks, or so, and the kids are already registered and have had their physicals. Dolly will be in her second year of Headstart, and Ty and Zach will be in third and second grades respectively. Since I have tags on my car now I can volunteer at both schools. I figure I’ll do Tuesdays and Thursdays at the boys’ school like I did this past year, and I’ll do Mondays and Wednesdays at Dolly’s school. Friday’s she doesn’t have school so we’ll just be home cleaning the way we always do.

Next year, all three kids will be in the same school because Dolly will move up to Kindergarten. With them all in school at the same time, I’ll have the mornings free to work. I’m sure I can get a job in an office somewhere doing part-time whatever. I’ve got a degree in Paralegal Studies but probably won’t be able to use it by then because three years will have passed since I took my last courses of study. I earned it in June of 2009 and Dolly will start Kindergarten in August of 2011. Okay, so it’s only two plus years but still, who’ll want to work with someone who hasn’t worked at all in over ten years, and who’s got a degree in something that they’ve never utilized? I’m betting on nobody. No big deal again; I was an admin/recept for a long time. That type of work never goes out of style.

See, I can do what everyone tells me to do. I’m thinking positive. What’s that adage about making lemonade out of lemons? Well, that’s what I’m doing. I’ll be living here so I may as well make the most of it, right? Yep. It’s my fault, like I said, that I got my hopes up to begin with, and that I let the kids get their hopes up. I take full responsibility for it. I never should have done that and it’ll be the last time I do it. From now on, I’m not telling the kids about anything until the minute it arrives. That’ll save us all some heartache and disappointment. I’ve had enough, the kids have had enough, and it’s time we all learned to live in what everyone else calls “reality.” We’re here to stay and we’ll have to learn to be happy about it. Like I said, I’ve got one last-ditch effort out there, but, if we’re going to move by the end of July, I have to give notice to the management office by this Thursday, July 1. That’s not going to happen. Hey, shit happens and we all have to learn to live with it. I have for 42 years; so another 42 won’t matter much, now, will it?

Until next time…peace to all.