Pity Party of One

I’m sitting here wondering what I feel like writing about tonight and I’m not sure what to do. I’d really like to be laughing right now but I can’t; I’ve been crying off and on for a couple of hours now, and I can’t seem to stop. I start crying and I go to the bathroom to get some tissue, the jag stops and I return to the computer; I start thinking about what I want to write and I start crying all over again. Do you have any idea how hard it is to type when everything you see appears to be under water? It’s hard, and the tears on the keyboard are just annoying.

I’m not sure exactly why I started crying tonight, or why it won’t stop. I do know that nothing in my life seems to be going right these days and it’s all just piling up on me. I’m short with the kids, I don’t want to be around my neighbors, and I’m irritated with, just about, everything. It’s not fair to my kids or to anyone else. There just comes a time when you can’t hide your funk any longer and people begin to notice. Shit happens, what am I gonna tell ya? I’m just having a little pity party for myself.

For the past couple of weeks, months, whatever, it seems as if everyone I know is moving forward with their lives and I’m just sitting here. I’m tired of people telling me to keep the faith, and I’m tired of “praying” and getting no answers. I’m tired of looking for signs that aren’t there and I’m tired of begging from the physical world and the metaphysical world. I want to be free from the constraints of the government – with regard to the public assistance I’m receiving. I shouldn’t have to be in the system this long but I have no other choice right now. I’ve exhausted all my options to move to Maryland like I want and I’m falling further into a funk and can’t get out of it.

I get up in the morning and get my boys off to school; when Dolly and I return from the bus stop I make her some chocolate milk and myself my breakfast drink and the two of us sit on the sofa and watch TV. Sometimes I even do laundry while we watch. Wow. I hope we don’t get injured in all the excitement. Then, a while later, she’ll hear her friends outside, those few kids who don’t go to summer school, and she’ll run out to play with them. Then I’m in the house alone with nothing to do but think about all the bullshit in my life; about how nothing is working out the way I want it to; how everyone is passing by me on life’s game board; how I really feel like I’m supposed to be in this shithole of a neighborhood where I have to watch my kids every minute they’re outside for fear that one of the crazies will crawl out of the wood work and do some kind of harm. This just sucks.

I know; I’m feeling sorry for myself. Didn’t I say that a couple of paragraphs ago? Deal with it. I’m entitled. I’ve lived here for over five years, over four of it just me and the kids and I’m fucking sick of it. I finally decided to do something to make things better for all of us and I can’t have it, no matter how hard I beg or throw my needs out there to the Universe. I’m not getting any responses and I can’t stand it anymore. I hate being ignored just as much as the next girl; but it appears, these days, as if I’m the only one being ignored. Tonight, as I had a crying spell in the bathroom, I actually pleaded and gave everything I have up to the Universe. I literally begged for an answer; asking what the Universe wants from me; what else am I supposed to be doing to help myself move forward?

I don’t know what else to ask. I’m grateful for everything in my life, I really am. I know that the Universe helped me get to where I am and helped to supply me with all that I have. Why, then, am I being ignored when I want to continue moving forward? I don’t know and nobody is telling me. Maybe after tonight I’ll see something happen. I, quite literally, gave up to the Universe. I’m tired of fighting, waiting, begging, crying, yelling, and everything else. I’ve got nothing left to do but give up. I’m done trying. I’m just going to get up in the mornings, get the boys off to school, hang with Dolly, and do whatever I need to do around the house; and I’m going to do it every day. I’m not even going to think about moving forward or to Maryland anymore. When the Universe wants me to concentrate on it, I’ll now. I just don’t have the strength or the patience to keep wondering what will be. I’m spent, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It’s time now for me just to accept what is and to deal with it. For now, this is what is my life and I’m going to do my best to be happy with it, as much as it sucks. I don’t know what else to do. I give up and will let the Universe do what it needs to do.

You know what’s really funny; not ‘ha ha’ funny, but ironic funny? I’ve got the TV on in behind me and “Fools Rush In” is on. Just as I finished typing that last line, the movie reached the part where the priest/preacher/whatever tells Alex that, “There are signs everywhere to help you find your way.” Now that I’m reading it, it is actually “ha ha” funny because I don’t necessarily believe it. So, the pity party goes on and I’m just going to let it run its course. My next post should be more upbeat just for the simple fact that, after tonight, I doubt I’ll have any tears left to shed. Next time I’ll be laughing and joking about the stupid shit in my life. Tonight, though, the misery needed to be heard. Thanks for listening.

Until next time…peace to all.