Real Is Just Fine With Me

Before I sat down tonight to start typing, I had to get my bowl of sunflower seeds and my ashtray, to catch the empty shells. I quit smoking two months ago this past Monday and now I can’t stop eating sunflower seeds. It gives me something to do when I have nothing to do but I’m thinking there has to be something else to do that doesn’t contain so much fat. I can exercise, yes, but it’s been really hot lately, like 108 with the heat indices, so jogging on the rebounder just doesn’t seem appealing. I’d like to go walking early in the mornings but I’d have to take Dolly with me and she doesn’t walk all that quickly so I’m thinking I’d have to walk four times the distance slower to get the benefits of a shorter walk that’s faster. I hope that makes sense; it did in my head.

I’m just sick of looking at myself these days. It’s not that I sit around eating all day, because I don’t; and I generally don’t eat unhealthy portions of food at meal times. I just think I’d burn more calories and build more muscle if I had something to do besides sit here all day long. Packing to move would be a great start if the Universe would just comply. {Hint, hint} There are only so many times the house can be cleaned and laundry just gets really boring after a while. I don’t mind exercising, I just need something to do that won’t get monotonous, and that won’t paralyze me in this heat.

I used to think that going to a gym would be beneficial but found that to be untrue. I never had anyone to go with me so my workouts would be really long and boring; and the one time a gym actually took measurements to work out an exercise plan for me, the whole batch of measurements they took from about 50 of us got misplaced so we were screwed and left to our own devices. Besides, I don’t think those machines do much unless you work out on them all day, every day. The way I see it, the guy, woman, or whomever, that invented the step machine (the Stairmaster thingy) lied. I go up and down my stairs here at home, on average, about thirty times a day. That’s 14 steps up and down from the main floor to the upstairs at least 60 times – that’s 840 steps; sometimes more, sometimes less. I should have the ass of a 15 year old but I don’t. Nope. My ass is that of a 42-year-old woman who has had three kids. It’s got no shape whatsoever other than flat and jello-like.

What’s ironic is that, while I was in the kitchen making dinner tonight, Ty was watching Michael Jackson videos on MTV and a commercial came on during the break. Remember when MTV didn’t have commercials, and only played music videos? It’s a shame that changed with the times because I used to love MTV. Anyway, a commercial came on for mail order panties. I didn’t get the name of them but I could hear the commercial talking about how the panties lift and shape your ass. Get one pair for only $19.95, and if you act now you get another pair for no extra cost, just pay shipping and handling…blah, blah, blah… So after dinner I Googled the commercial and what I found is that the commercial was for “Booty Pop” panties.

Gee, what a catchy name. These mail order underwear are bikini-like briefs with special pads arranged in the upper part of the ass to make your booty look naturally rounded. The panties are 95% cotton and 5% spandex, and the pads are not removable. When I saw the commercial on the website (www.buybootypop.com), the images of the before and after shots made my jaw drop and I was, literally, speechless. Each skinny-as-a-rail woman went from having an average-looking ass, something completely natural, to having a suddenly swollen-like ass that looked deformed and unnatural. I kid you not. Why in the world would I want to look completely natural in every way except for a bulbous ass that calls attention to itself, and not in a good way, to my mind? The name says “Booty Pop” and that’s exactly what it looks like – an ass that’s about to pop.

I had another thought about them, too. The ad compares the panties to a padded bra and the way the bra makes us look shapelier. To me, there is a big difference; if you see the underwear, you’ll understand what I mean. I’ll give an example to illustrate my point. Say I’m out with my guy (you’ll have to indulge me here since we all know I don’t have a guy in my life right now) and we’re slow dancing. If he gets frisky and runs a hand over my boob, he’ll feel my bra, of course, but won’t feel any odd padding within; it’ll just feel rounded as if the bra/boob is one entity (no pun intended). If he reaches down and grabs my ass, however, he’ll run his hands over two conspicuously placed pads, stitched into the underwear, and sitting right at the top of my butt cheeks to make my ass look more rounded. Think if a gauze-padded injury being covered by a pair of spandex pants. Got a visual now? Wow, how utterly strange and curious and bizarre. I know I’d make a run for it if I felt that on his ass.

Besides, all that phony crap in clothing to make us look more “natural” and appealing is just crap. If a guy were to see me in a padded bra, and waist cinching, tummy flattening jeans with the butt popping undies underneath, he’d be getting a completely false vision of what I really look like, right? If the time comes for me to ever remove those clothes in front of him, how disappointed is he going to be when the “real” me is seen? I’d say really disappointed, and that’s not fair. When I dress, I don’t try to impress, and I don’t try to falsify what’s underneath. Exercising to get in shape is one thing, but making ‘what is’ look like something it isn’t is completely different, to my way of thinking.

I also don’t wear make-up; I used to but gave it up when it got to be too much trouble. I don’t have anything against make-up, and still wear it on very special occasions. I also think it’s fine for anyone who wants to wear it as long as it’s not over done. I do color my hair to get rid of the grey and to even out the color. I don’t really have a natural hair color – it’s blonde, auburn, or brown depending on the person viewing it – so I color it all one color and there is no mistake. But I don’t hide the fact that I color it, and if a guy asked me, I’d tell him. I actually had a friend argue with me one time when I said I’d go on a first date without getting all snazzied up beforehand. She laughed at me and said, “Oh, stop; you’d put on make-up and you know it.” I actually told her that I wouldn’t because I don’t like make-up and I won’t go out looking different than usual. My first meeting with a guy will be me without make-up so why change it just for a date? Quite honestly, I’d prefer a first date take place first thing in the morning. If a guy can like me the way I look when I first wake up – baggy T-shirt, baggy shorts, hair in a messy ponytail, no make-up, probably a little puffy, and definitely a little cranky – then we’ve got a good start to the relationship.

So I will change my appearance, the right way, by exercising, eating properly, and doing what I can to look like my most natural self. No stuffing, puffing, padding, painting, lifting, pulling, plugging, tugging, or anything that can’t be done naturally (exercise) in my own living room or out in public. Hell, doing all that false crap would just make me disappointed in myself once I went to take a shower and saw the “real” me. What a let down. Eventually I’ll get my body to look the way I want it without any artificial means; and in the meantime, I’ll just make fun of everyone who does falsify the goods. Laughing at others boosts my spirits and makes me more determined to be me. What you do is your choice but, remember, if it looks too fake I may laugh at you; and I may not hide my laughter.

Until next time…peace to all.