Almost Gave in to the Smoking Urge

Why is it, that when my nerves are completely shot, I want a cigarette the most? I was having a perfectly good day – I’d spoken to Ellen on the phone, I’d cleaned my van (inside not out; it was raining), I’d chatted with a neighbor and I’d attended PACT. I was really in a great mood, until Zach spoke. He’d decided he didn’t want to go to PACT tonight and asked if he could stay with a neighbor while the rest of us went. I agreed, although I wasn’t happy about it. He stayed; Ty, Dolly and I went. We got home a little after 8:00 and Dolly went over to get him from the neighbor’s house. I went over and thanked her as Zach came out onto the porch and sat to put on his shoes. Then he got up and headed home without so much as a “good-bye,” “thanks for watching me,” nothing, to the neighbor. She came to the door and said goodnight to him but had already closed her door when he said anything back to her. All I said was, “Zach, that wasn’t very nice,” and you would’ve thought I pushed the button for WWIII.

He came into the house exploding and just let fly on me. Now, I don’t generally scream at my kids but he had me so angry I was screaming at him. I really was, and I didn’t like it. He was being mean, hateful, disrespectful – REALLY DISRESPECTFUL – and I couldn’t stand it anymore. Zach actually got to the point that he said he wished I was dead. I told him he needed to leave the room and go onto Dolly’s room for the night. She was sleeping in my room so it was only fair that he go sleep somewhere by himself. When he realized I was serious, he freaked out over it; not because he was angry, but because he was scared. He didn’t want to sleep along without the TV. Oh, too bad, so sad. Perhaps he should’ve thought of that before he got so mean and nasty to me. So, instead, he sat at the top of the stairs; he was calming down, I guess.

Then he came down, sat on the sofa, and tried to talk nicely to me. I asked him if he really didn’t want around because I could make arrangements for him to go live somewhere else. He declined saying he wanted to stay here because, if he left, he wouldn’t get any hugs and kisses, and nobody would love him and he wouldn’t get his homework signed. That tells me he knows I love him; I was still angry at him for all the other mean things he’d said just minutes before. Then he tried to hug and kiss me, but I didn’t reciprocate, nor did I accept his apology. I told him that apologizing means that you feel bad for what you did and you’ll try not to do it again. (I’ve told him that constantly since he was born.) I also told him that I’m tired of him saying “I’m sorry” and thinking it’ll make everything better between us. I told him I won’t accept any more apologies from him until his actions show me that he really is sorry. The words just don’t mean anything to me anymore.

Then I told him that I’d quit smoking because I wanted to be healthy so that I could be with them for a very long time, but that I didn’t think it was fair for him to say he wished I was dead. I even told him that he had me so angry that I wanted to go buy a pack of cigarettes but that I would try not to do it. He just looked at me, feeling sorry, I’m sure, and started to say something. I cut him off and told him I didn’t really want to talk to him right then because I was angry at what he’d said. He just took his snack and went upstairs with it. I was actually thicslose to actually going out to buy cigarettes. I was thinking, “Fuck it; if he wants me dead, I may as well go out doing something I enjoy.” Then I got really annoyed because, if I couldn’t have cigarettes, I wanted a really yummy snack and I didn’t have any in the house. All I bought last time out to the supermarket was healthy stuff. The kids are having a hard time controlling themselves with the snacks so I only bought fruits, veggies, fruit snacks, rice chips, and stuff like that. I didn’t even have a fucking Hershey’s Kiss in the house to take the edge off of whatever was going on inside of my brain and body.

I got over the craving, though; I pulled out my bag of sunflower seeds and started munching away. There is no comparison to chocolate but at least they’re giving me something to chew on. Maybe I can buy rolling papers and smoke my sunflower seeds. I’ll get all the health benefits ingested that way, right? It’ll be much quicker too, no digestion needed. I just want to know how long this is going to continue; not Zach’s attitude, but the fucking cigarette cravings every time I’m really angry. Grrrr….. I’ll get over it, I’m sure. WHEN?????

On a lighter note, I’ve decided to name my van Morrison. It’s catchy, dontcha think? Morrison got a really good internal cleaning today – no more donuts, candy wrappers, errant toys, and whatever else I pulled from under the seats. I also used the shop vac to vacuum him and I cleaned all the windows inside and out, as well as the dashboard. He gets to be a permanent part of the family now so he deserved a really good bath. Maybe over the weekend he’ll get to go to the carwash. Right now, though, I have to go and and refill my sunflower seed dish so I can watch “Same Time Next Year” on OnDemand. My friend Al wants me to watch it and I promised I would. Until tomorrow…peace to all.