Stress Management

For along time now, at least a couple of years, I’ve been working on different ways to manage stress. Being a single mother with virtually no separation from my kids, I’ve got lots of stress trying to raise them on my own; not to mention the stress from the other issues I’ve discussed in my past couple of posts. Basically, the only time I get to speak to a grown-up is over the phone (my best friends are long distance), unless I’m running errands and I speak to a cashier in a store. I do get two hours a week, when we attend PACT (the parenting group at CAPA that I’ve mentioned previously), where I do get to speak to adults. I love PACT but think I kind of take over the group sometimes just because I really want to speak to people who understand my issues and won’t whine at me if they don’t like what I say. I try not to but sometimes I can’t help it; I really need to let others talk, though. But, I’ve strayed again. I was talking about stress management. When I smoked, that helped a bit, but now I don't have smoking so I have to utilize the other methods I've learned even more often than I had been. (They've actually helped a bit with the smoking cessation anxiety, too.)

In PACT, we use the first hour for education – sometimes discussing stress management. We can’t be good parents if we’re too stressed. I’ve also been working on techniques with my counselor at CAPA, and I’ve also learned some from my friend Michelle Moe. (Her link is on my page.) Michelle actually taught me how to meditate and I love it. I can meditate with my kids in the room, too. When they get too loud, I’ll just gently plug my ears, sit calmly in my chair and concentrate on my breathing. Before long, I’m “gone” to somewhere in the spiritual world, while the kids suddenly are tiptoeing around me (“Shh, Mom’s praying.” It’s cute, but I’ve explained that it’s meditation, not praying. Praying is a topic for a post another night. Then again, maybe not.). The kids may even speak to me while I’m in my meditative state and I’ll answer them but never break the meditation. Before I know it, I’ll “come back” and time will have passed that seemed to me like only a few minutes but it will have been much longer. One time I was actually “gone” for almost an hour. When I came back to myself I felt energized and relaxed and didn’t really care if the kids were fighting or not – for the rest of the day. I love meditation and try to do it often.

I’ve tried breathing techniques (7-5-8 I really like: breathe in for a count of 7; hold for a count of 5; breathe out for a count of 8; repeat until relaxed), stomping boxes (just laying flat boxes on the floor in the basement while I stomp them until my stress has dissipated), yoga, jogging on my rebounder, and many others. Along with meditation, I like yoga and rebounding the best. I can do a 40-minute yoga workout and not even realize how much time has passed until I’m finished. I can rebound for a while and, when I’m finished, I feel nice and relaxed and I’ve burned some calories. It’s the same with the yoga. A new thing I’ve been practicing lately, though, is mindfulness. I started working on it with my counselor a few weeks ago, and then she told me another counselor at CAPA was starting a 10-week mindfulness class and suggested I attend in lieu of counseling for a while. Okay by me.

I think today week five and I love the class. I’ve learned a lot so far, but some of it I’m realizing I’ve already been practicing; probably from what I’ve learned with my counselor. With mindfulness, I start out the same as with meditation except that my feet are flat on the floor and my hands are on my lap. I’m not allowed to sit cross-legged or anything like that, for a reason, mind you. I have to be aware of where I am. I concentrate on my breathing, but rather than clearing my mind the way I do with meditation, I actually concentrate on one specific thing only. Mindfulness is not for relaxation, it’s retraining the mind to focus rather than get overloaded with too many things at once – those many things that cause stress. Generally we react to situations automatically based on our past experiences; mindfulness stops that which helps to reduce stress.

The way Teacher explained it was great. Imagine you’re sitting in your car, driving to work. While you’re driving you’re thinking about many different things – what reports are due by the end of the day, how many phone calls you need to make before lunch, what to make for dinner, which kid has soccer practice and which has ballet class, the guy who just cut you off in the turning lane, the fight you had with your neighbor the night before, etc. You’re not being mindful. If you were, you’d be sitting in the car concentrating specifically on your driving: I have my hands on the steering wheel and they are at the 10-2 positions, my right foot is on the gas pedal, gently pressing it, my left foot is on the floorboard next to the driver’s door, I have a blue car in front of me and a red car to my right, etc. That’s mindfulness. You’re focusing on only one specific topic – driving.

The class is teaching those of us in it to train our brains to focus on the present moment rather than yesterday or tomorrow or an hour from now – just this specific moment. When we’re in the moment we’re supposed to concentrate on three factors: Attention (the facts of what is happening); Attitude (how I’m responding to what’s happening); Intention (what I want for an outcome). For example: I’ve asked my kids to get ready for bed, jammies on, teeth brushed, go to the bathroom. Rather than doing what I’ve asked, they’re talking, playing, fighting, and basically ignoring what I’ve asked them to do.

Ordinarily I would begin raising my voice right away (it’s automatic from past experience) and getting angry until the entire household is in upheaval. Instead, lately I use mindfulness: I take a few deep breaths, and concentrate on what is happening (attention – the kids are ignoring me, they’re being loud); my attitude, how I’m responding (I’m starting to get angry, my teeth are clenching, my muscles are stiffening, etc.); intention, what is the outcome I want (I want them to settle down, I want them to get ready for bed without further incident, etc.). All of this I’m actually thinking in my head and I’m being very specific about it. After a minute or so I tell the kids, “Listen, I’m being ignored and I don’t like. I’m starting to get angry and I’m going to end up raising my voice which I know you don’t like. Please go get ready for bed before we all end up having a bed ending to our day.”

Sometimes I have to repeat myself to get them to listen but they are learning to follow directions and are responding better to me telling them I’m getting angry before it actually happens. I’ve also implemented a new discipline system and we’re still working out the kinks, but that’s also a topic for another night’s post. The mindfulness is actually working for me because, when I’m concentrating on the moment, I’m not dragging outside issues into whatever is happening, thus confusing the situation and worsening my mood. Now, I’m still learning and still practicing and sometimes I forget to use it altogether; if you read last night’s post you’ll understand what I mean by that. I’m getting there though, and when I do remember to use mindfulness, I feel much better when the situation is resolved than I do when I react automatically. It takes practice but it has helped me reduce some of my stress lately. With all the methods I use, eventually I’ll be completely stress free and just a delight to be around all the time. For anyone interested, I highly recommend learning more about mindfulness; since I’m not a teacher of it, I won’t put the techniques here but I’m sure it can be Googled. Good luck if you try it. Tracy, maybe you can look into a few of the methods I’ve mentioned. They’ve really helped me.

Right now, I’m going to sign off and get some much-deserved and greatly-needed sleep. Until tomorrow…peace to all.