Three Weeks; Craving Gone

I think the craving from yesterday is gone today. I haven’t really wanted a cigarette at all today, but I did overeat, I think. I said last night that I was going to get this craving bullshit out of my system and I did, for the most part. After the big bowl of ice cream last night, I spent today eating every so often and probably more than I should. I don’t know that I really did overeat but I feel like I did. I ate part of a bowl of corn flakes that Dolly didn’t want to finish, but that was about a ¼ of a bowl. After the kids I was babysitting went home, I poured myself a bowl of raisin bran. That was it until the middle of the afternoon. Zach woke up with an upset stomach today so I didn’t get as much sleep as I would have liked during the night, so I tried to nap for a little while.

Since he was sleeping on the sofa, off and on, I sat on the other end and dozed occasionally. Then I just got frustrated because I couldn’t get a solid nap. Every time I’d get into a real sleep, one of the kids would start talking to me. So I went to the computer and started munching on sunflower seeds while I played games on pogo. I got the kind in the shell so I won’t eat as many but I still eat them constantly, and they’re fatty. I know I ate more sunflower seeds than was really necessary.

For dinner I made nachos. I love nachos and am on a quest for the perfect restaurant nachos. I make them at home at least once a month and I put everything on them that I can. My plate will be full of chips, meat, refried beans, cheese, salsa, sour cream, guacamole, black olives and jalapeno pepper slices; and I will eat the entire plate of food until there is nothing left but nacho residue. That I know I ate too much of but it was worth it. Then, after dinner, I watched TV with the kids for a while and, when I went back to the computer, I went back to the sunflower seeds. About an hour ago, 9:00 to be exact, I knew all the kids were awake so I invited them downstairs with me to have a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup. It was a nice surprise for them and something for me to get the salt from the seeds out of my taste buds.

Tomorrow I’m going back to the eating properly/exercising routine I was on until this past week. I don’t know what happened other than I got my period and I was completely drained of any energy for most of the week. Blech!!! Don’t they have a machine at the doctor’s office that can just zap that away once and for all? I’ve got three kids, I’m not in a relationship, and, even if I were, there are no more kids in my future. Let me just be done with it so I can get on with life and have one less thing to deal with every month. Maybe some day they will, but for now I’ll just deal with it. The older I get, the worse it gets so I’m not really diggin’ it.

Once I get back on track with my eating and exercising I’ll feel much better. I’m actually feeling more energized today, and I know it’ll be even better tomorrow. I’ve also hit the three-week mark with no cigarettes. I wonder if I’ll have one of those massive cravings right before any “anniversary” of my quitting. That’ll really suck if it does happen. I don’t want to go through that every week, or every month, or every whatever. Just let it go already and be done with it. I’ve quit, I’m officially a non-smoker and I’ll remain that way.

The way I see it, when I decided to blog about it, I was putting myself out there for all to see. If I had just told my friends I was quitting, the way I did the week before I began blogging, it would have just been them that knew about it and, although they would have supported me in quitting, they would also have understood when I wanted to go back to it; which is exactly what happened. Since I decided to blog about it, and knew that any number of people could be reading what I wrote, I was less likely to wimp out and buy a pack of smokes. I didn’t want to read any comments from complete strangers telling me what a wuss I was for caving, and that I should have more willpower. Not that I really expected the world to be reading what I wrote, but the image is there that it is a possibility; and it is that image that has kept me on track so far. I just hope it doesn’t have to be this way forever.

Imagine me in 40 years, I’ll be nearly 83 and still blogging about having cravings to smoke. I won’t go buy any because I still won’t want non-existent strangers to judge or criticize me. My kids will be telling me to just give it up because it’s only Tracy, Ellen, and Stacy reading my stuff, but I’ll keep plugging away at it. My reader friends will be around my age, and we’ll all have those screens attached to our computers so the lettering appears larger than it really is because our eyesight will not be what it is today. Instead of me taking an hour or less to write each post, it’ll take me most of the day because the arthritis in my hands will affect me; and it’ll take my readers a while to read them because sitting in a chair for too long will be hindered by their lower back pain. Regardless, I’ll keep blogging, my friends will keep reading, and occasionally commenting, and life will be good.

For now, my craving to smoke is gone, my stomach is bloated from eating more than I should have, I have very little on my to-do list for tomorrow, and I’m tired but not exhausted. That’s as it should be. Until tomorrow…peace to all.