Almost Out of Options

I have come to the conclusion that I’ve wasted $35,000 on an education that I’ll never use. I checked every possible housing lead today and actually got nowhere at all, other than on a bunch of waiting lists. Not even that really since I haven’t yet filled out the applications. I’ll do that over the weekend and then I’ll be put on the waiting lists. I did fine one place that has a vacant 3-bedroom apartment for $950. That’s just a bit over my current income. However, the complex has a minimum income requirement which is almost $17,000 more than I currently make. I did the math and figured I’d have to make around $11 an hour over 40 hours a week just to qualify for the place. I’m doing this by net income since gross income doesn’t count for shit. Just because a person earns a certain amount doesn’t mean she actually brings that amount home so the bills still can’t be paid.

In any case, in order for me to make that kind of money I’ll have to work at whatever job I can find that will pay me that kind of money. Then I’ll have to find daycare for the kids because they’ll be out of school before I’m done with work. A large portion of what I make will have to go toward that daycare so that’ll, pretty much, cause me to break even after the rent is paid. I’d qualify for child care assistance but I don’t really know how much until I get a job and then apply for the assistance. It’s funny because, and I’ve already said this, I can’t get a job without having the assistance. Government rules suck!!

So, here I am, at a huge crossroads. Do I want to take any job I can just to be able to afford an apartment; and give up everything I’ve worked so hard for to date? No, I don’t, but I may not have any choice. My last resort is to follow through with an idea given to me by a lady I spoke with today who works for one of the agencies I contacted. She said that there are a lot of churches here in Walkersville and that I should go to them and explain my situation. Her idea is that, perhaps, someone will know a property owner who would be willing to work with me and would accept my incredibly low rent payments until I can get myself up and working.

She knows I’m not just another person using the system for the wrong reasons. She knows I’ve got a degree and what my plans are; and she thinks that, with my determination, I should be able to get the help I need. I hope so because my faith in myself is dwindling fast. I said it the other night; I think I fucked up royally and that I’m just going to screw things up for the kids and me. Right now I’m almost convinced that we should have just stuck it out in Independence and that I would have found work eventually. I’ll never know now, though. Now I have to concentrate on moving forward here and, if I have to, I’ll just forget about the paralegal degree and get a job at Wal-Mart to support my kids. In three years I’ll be paying off my student loans so I’ll need to make enough to cover those when they come due. I’m sure that, after three years at Wal-Mart, it won’t be a problem.

So tomorrow I’m off to beg from whomever I meet at these churches. I’ll just have to sell myself and my family, giving every detail possible so that they know I’m not bullshitting them, and that I’m doing what I need to do for my kids and me. The way I see it, this is my last chance, really. I do have one more appointment lined up but that’s not for two weeks. I’m also pretty convinced that it’ll be a waste of time for me and them because they’ll end up putting me on a waiting list too. I understand the economy is bad but am I the only one who’s willing to bust ass to work to support my family? I hate being in the system and I hate it even more that the system is designed to keep me down rather than helping me get back on my feet. That’s something that has to change in the future but I don’t think it’ll be me doing the arguing. It’ll have to be someone who can actually work in the legal field; I’m sure a Wal-Mart associate won’t have much pull. Anyway, I’m off to bed, depressed again, and ready to give up; but I won’t, not just yet. When all of my options have been thoroughly exhausted then I’ll throw in the towel. I’ll let you know what that is.

Until next time…peace to all.