I Feel Like Crap

I feel like shit; I am falling into a severe depression and can’t seem to stop it. My kids are constantly fighting and ignoring me; Zach seems to think that I’m his verbal punching bag; Dolly continues to act like a little brat; and Ty just wants to be the boss of everyone – and I have no say in any of it. Regardless of how much I say or do, and regardless of what consequences are given to them, their behavior isn’t changing. They’re not respecting me or Ellen or Sonny or the house. It’s not fair to Ellen, after her letting us move here you’d think my kids would be a little more grateful and would try harder to do the right thing. Nope. “Fuck you mom, you can’t make us do anything you stupid bitch.” Do they actually say that, no; but that’s what I hear.

I’m spending my time thinking I made a mistake coming here, letting the kids be closer to Paul, adding more to the their anxieties by moving them from everything they knew, moving me from everything I knew. I feel lost and out of control and I’m sure they can sense that, and it’s making them worse. I can’t stop crying, I have no appetite, I don’t want to be around anyone but I don’t want to be alone, and whatever the kids do makes me angry, even if it’s just regular kid stuff. The problem is that everything they do seems amplified to me and there is no volume control.

I want things to get better for us but it’s not happening at lightning speed and I can’t make it go any faster. I know, I can’t control everything but I feel like I’m losing my footing and there is nobody to catch me and nothing to cushion my fall. Remember the analogy I made that Ellen and I said we constantly feel like we’re at the bottom of a well and every time we get a handhold someone pours oil down so we end up falling or having to move sideways? Well, now, every time the oil comes down on me I slip further down and there is no floor underneath me. All around me is black with only little flashes of light to make me see the handholds I’m missing as I fall. I can’t stop and I’m getting bumped and bruised along the way.

I don’t like feeling like this, and I’m sure nobody does. I’m just tired of not feeling good or right or on target about what I’m doing. I’m tired of questioning my own actions and decisions. I actually want to make a decision that makes me feel as if I’m moving in the right direction; like I’m not missing the handholds on the walls of a well. I was wondering today what would have happened had we stayed in Independence. Nothing major for another year, I can say that much. I would have had to sit at home while the kids were in school unless Dolly got put into a morning Headstart class. If she did, I’d be able to work at something, anyway, to bring in an income. If she was still in afternoons, I’d be able to volunteer at their schools again and would have to wait until she went into Kindergarten next year before I could start working.

As it is, Dolly can’t get into Headstart here because, even though it’s a Federal program and she’s already qualified, I still have to reapply her and put her on the waiting list. There is no way she’ll make it there this year and that sucks. Strike one for me, I fucked that up for her. So she has to go into Pre-school where I didn’t want her since it’s a shorter day with a less academic curriculum. She’ll be going from 8:30 to 11:30. Actually, she’ll get on the bus at 8:30 and she’ll get on the return bus at 11:30 to arrive home at 11:40. How much can I get done in three hours? Not fucking much at all. Three hours – I didn’t see that one coming. Strike two for me. And the people running the school system out here need to get their shit together. At the same time I’m supposed to be putting Dolly on her bus, I’m supposed to be getting the boys to their school. HUH!!!??? I’m guessing they can’t clone me to be in two different places at once, so the only other thing I can think of is to a) make sure all the kids will get breakfast at school and then b) drive the boys first and Dolly immediately afterward. This is really going to suck.

I have decided that, when I can get housing assistance, I’ll make sure to move, at least, two miles away from here so that all the kids can get bussed to and from school. Tomorrow I’ll have to start calling the agencies that can help with housing assistance to find out where I can move to so I can make sure the kids will go to the same schools. I don’t want them to be moving between schools after the school year starts. That really wouldn’t be fair to them, but, I’ve already fucked things up for them so what’s one more item? I figure they’ll bounce back the way I did after my mother moved me all over the fucking nation when I was a kid. Shit, my kids are young, they’ll get over it. Right? Sure they will.

So that’s it. I feel like crap all the time. Maybe it’ll be good for me, though. Not eating is sure to help me lose that extra 25 pounds I gained just sitting around last year. I feel like I’m going to throw up every time I’m near food or think about eating. At least this year, though, when I volunteer at the schools, I can leave extra early and walk. The boys’ school last year was about a seven-minute walk. This year I have farther to go so I’ll burn more calories. I’m sure to be down to a size six in no time. I’ll keep you posted on that. Maybe it’ll cheer me up when I can actually fit into my jeans again. I don’t know why it would, though, I’m the only one who’ll appreciate it. Whatever. I’m tired of complaining for tonight. I'm listening to Esther Hicks; maybe she'll give me some inspiration. She usually does, but, we'll see.

Until next time…peace to all.