Mish Mosh of Truth

Three times I’ve tried to get something on here for tonight’s post and I can’t seem to get my thoughts straight. I’ve got writer’s block and I’m not even a writer. Go figure. Maybe tonight will just be a mixture of whatever is running through my head at that moment. Right now it’s Ty. He’s nervous about starting school tomorrow – new school, new friends, new teachers, new routine. He told me at dinner. I understand how he feels because I went to ten different schools from Kindergarten to High School. That’s because my mother was a selfish shit who wanted what she wanted and didn’t think of her children. Sorry for the sidebar. Ty and Zach will do fine tomorrow, though, I’m sure. A “Kissing Hand” for each of them and off they’ll go. In tomorrow’s post I’ll let you know how they did.

I also ate enough at dinner tonight to make me feel disgusting. I really didn’t want to eat but someone suggested we have tacos and nachos and I have to eat nachos; I can’t pass on them. Dolly didn’t eat hers, though, and passed them on to me so I got stuck eating hers and mine. That’s enough for the next couple of days, if you ask me. Maybe I’ll feel like eating again on Thursday. Since the kids are starting school again I can get back to rebounding. I should have been doing it all along but got really lazy when I hit that funk a few months ago, when I was still in Independence. I’m sure you’ll find it if you check previous posts. I also need to find some place out here that sells sunflower seeds. I can’t find but one and they only sell small bags. What the fuck? Don’t people on the East Coast ever eat sunflower seeds with the shells on them? Shit, I couldn’t even find seeds without shells at the supermarket today. What gives?

I need my seeds to keep me occupied and full so I won’t eat as much. Then, when I start rebounding again, I won’t have to worry about meals. I’ll have my Carnation Instant Breakfast in the morning, bounce, sunflower seeds, water, maybe another small meal later in the day, and I’m good. That’s what I was doing when I lost the weight a few months ago. Then I funked out and just got really lazy, and all I did then was eat, and eat, and eat… Now I feel gross and want to get rid of the extra weight so I can fit into my jeans this winter. I will not buy bigger jeans when I was wearing the same size for almost the past three years. I’m sticking with what I’ve got. I’m actually enjoying this funk, though, because I don’t feel like eating. That should be a good thing, right? Don’t bug me about it, just tell me how great I look – whether you believe it or not. I don’t mind a little white lie every now and again. It’s the truth that hurts…

I’m just wondering who it hurts. We’re taught as kids to always tell the truth. I teach it to my kids. I really can’t stand lying, though. Any type of lying to me is an instant deal breaker. If we’re friends and you lie to me, I’ve lost trust. You’ll be hard-pressed to get me to trust you again; it’ll take a lot. I’ve actually cut people from my life for lying to me. If and when I’m ready to reconnect, I’ll do it on my terms, not theirs. If we’re not friends and you lie to me, we’ll probably never be friends. On the extremely odd chance that you’re dating me and you lie, you’ll no longer be a part of my life – no questions asked, no second chances.

So back to the truth. Lies obviously hurt people, including the teller. Who actually gets hurt by the truth, though? I’m curious. When a kid tells the truth, he may or may not get into trouble for whatever he said. If he tells mom she’s got a huge ass mom has a choice. She can either, get offended and punish junior for being rude – which I think would be wrong since we’re teaching our kids to tell the truth. Didn’t I already say that? – or mom could just accept the fact that she does have a huge ass and get on with life. In that case I guess it would be junior who gets hurt. But does he really, or does he learn a valuable lesson about keeping quiet under certain circumstances? This is a great debate topic. There are two sides to every argument I can think of and answers to said arguments that I can give. I’m wondering why I never brought up this topic at PACT just to see what people think.

Honestly, though, I’m thinking I don’t really get hurt by the truth. If I have and I’m not saying so, please correct me. My kids have said some mean and hateful things to me and I’ve gotten my feelings hurt but the things they’ve said aren’t the truth – they’re deliberate, ugly words used specifically for the purpose of hurting me. I had previous neighbors tell me what a shitty parent I am (you recall last summer’s bullshit) but that didn’t hurt me either; because it wasn’t true. I’m trying to figure out a time when someone told me the truth and I was hurt by it. I can’t, so please comment with stories of times I’ve been hurt by the truth.

Hell, I was even just thinking that Paul hurt me all the time with his words, but that was never the truth either. I got hurt by it generally because it was designed to kick me when I was already down and to make me feel worse than I already did. Then it was usually followed by a punch, a choke slam, or being thrown across the room. Still, none of it was the truth so I was actually hurt by the lies and physical force behind his hands. That makes sense, right? So again, when does the truth hurt?

I don’t get hurt by my kids because I know they’re only saying mean things because they’re upset and want to hurt me; I don’t get hurt by friends because what they tell me I already know so there’s no reason to get hurt by it. It’s fact, folks; why would I get upset by something I can see right in front of me? Then there’s the hypothetical dating situation. If I’m with a guy who doesn’t want to be with me, am I going to be hurt by it? No. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? That’s one big lesson I learned from Paul. He wants out, let him go. There is, pretty much, nothing Mr. Hypothetical could tell me that I don’t already know about myself. If I know it, it’s true and it shouldn’t hurt. I’m getting repetitive with my examples now. That’s because it’s a no-win argument. We could go back and forth all night long. Whenever you’re ready, let me know; I’ll be happy to debate this with you and I guarantee I’ll make you change your stance by the time we’re finished; or I’ll, at least, make you give up the argument.

The only thing I won’t argue is that I’m tired and want some sleep. I have to actually set my alarm for the morning so I can make sure I get the boys to school on time. I’ll take a first-day picture – as I always do – so you can see how handsome they look. Think about what I said, though, but don’t think too hard; I wouldn’t want anyone to bust anything.

Until next time…peace to all.