Pathetic At Its Best

I don’t know that I have anything worth saying tonight. I can’t stop crying no matter how hard I try. As soon as I think I’m done, I start all over again. I just woke up Dolly because I was crying; she came over and gave me a hug. I’m about to go into panic mode, too. I’ve only had one other panic attack in my life, and it was just a couple of years ago, but I know what it feels like when it starts. I’m just trying not to let it happen at all. I feel like I’ve completely lost control over everything that means anything to me, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Tomorrow I’m back to searching for a home for the kids and me; I’ll continue putting my name out to the churches in the area, and offering to barter services for a home. I don’t think it’ll work but it’s all I’ve got left. I’m guessing I’ll just end up getting a job someplace, any place, to earn an income so I can afford to rent something myself. Fuck the system; I’m tired of being put on hold all the time. If need be, I’ll sell what little furniture I kept so I can have the money for a deposit, or whatever is required.

I’m really just kicking myself in the ass for making such a bad judgment call with my life. If I could go back in time, I never would’ve gotten my degree. Instead I just would have gotten a part-time job close to home so I’d be able to get the kids to and from school; and I would’ve kept the online tutoring to do from home so I could be there for the kids. I can’t go back and change anything now, and there is no way I can make happen what I want so I just have to roll with what I’ve got and make the best of it. It sucks for the kids because I wanted better for them; that was my intention when I was getting my degree. I wanted a high-paying career so I could give them the benefits I didn’t get having a narcissistic mother and shit-ass childhood. Too bad I suck at doing the right thing lately. I just hope my kids understand that I did try and that, whatever work I find, I’m doing my best. Maybe someday; I can always hope for that, right?

I’m tired now, though, from crying all day and I need to get some sleep to get the boys off to school in the morning. Maybe by then my tears will have dried and I can get something done without spouting every five minutes. If not, I’ll just walk around looking even more pathetic than I already do. At least I’m consistent. I'm also not looking for sympathy from anyone; I'm just on here venting, it's a good outlet. It's either this or walk around talking to myself. I usually do that out loud so it might look seriously odd, with all the chatter going on in my head right now, for me to talk to myself. As it is, all the talking I have been doing has been in whisper so the kids don't notice. I'm going to bed now; maybe I can talk myself to sleep.

Until next time…peace to all.