I Fucked Up And I'm Sorry

I fucked up today, and I take full responsibility. No excuses, no nothing – I fucked up. It’s as simple as that. The kids and I went to my WIC appointment and they were rowdy and noisy and loud and didn’t listen to me when I asked them, repeatedly, to please keep the noise down. I was angry and I feel I had a right to be. We left the WIC office, got into the van and drove to the supermarket so I could get stuff for dinner and some other things. I told the kids I wasn’t happy with their behavior but they didn’t seem to care. At the supermarket Zach and Dolly got into a huge fight over the buggy; not just and argument but a screaming match. I just gave up then and there. I told them that I wanted to get something for dinner but we were finished after that. As I started to walk away Dolly started screaming at me not to leave (as if I was going to) and Zach started screaming at me that I shouldn’t have made Dolly cry. FUCK THAT!! All I wanted to do was a little food shopping and they ruined it with their disrespect of my rules.

So I made my way around the store, looking for what I needed to make dinner, with Zach following me the whole time telling me what a bad person I am. I paid for my items and we left with him still telling me what a shit I am. We got into the van and he started telling me, no screaming at me, that he “should have stayed with Dad instead of coming back to you!!” Wow; how’s that for a kick in the teeth. To his comments I replied that I needed to go buy a pack of cigarettes with Zach telling me (screaming at me) that I couldn’t do that because they weren’t healthy. So I started to drive home telling him what a mean little brat he was being and how he needed to go to his room when we got home so I didn’t have to be around him. It was about then that I decided that I needed a drink. When we walked in the door I realized it was 11:35 in the morning. No drinks for me. Imagine that. I couldn’t smoke so I wanted to drink – and it wasn’t even lunch time.

I sent Zach to his room and Dolly to hers (for her part in the fight at the supermarket). They both went with Zach spewing his disgusting insults at me the entire time. I told Dolly what time she could come out of the room and she agreed to stay put – it was only 15 minutes but she needed the consequence to understand that her behavior wasn’t acceptable. Zach just went to his room – I’m sure cursing me under his breath. Whatever. I went downstairs and paced, and wondered how terrible it would be of me if I bought a pack of smokes. I gave up on the idea because I didn’t want to be in the car with the kids for any length of time after what I’d already endured.

After a short while things seemed to settle down and we all had lunch. I made sandwiches for everyone and the boys began to tell me some of the things that had happened with their dad; not pleasant things I might add. Just basic shit but things I felt the need to correct and things I had to tell them were against their basic rights. As an example: Paul forced them to get haircuts even after they protested that they didn’t want haircuts. Paul said it was his rule that they had to get haircuts before school started whether the kids wanted them or not. I had just cut their hair before we left MO. The kids realized, after us talking, that Paul does a lot of things for his own purposes regardless of what anyone else thinks – including his own kids. They realized that he wanted to have things done his way and didn’t care what they thought or wanted. That’s fucking sad, isn’t it; kids having to realize, at such a young age, that their dad is a shit? Maybe Paul will realize that he created the scenario and only he is to blame. Guess what? NOT!!!

Anyway, I digress. After our talk over lunch things seemed to be progressing well until some other shit happened and Zach started his bullshit with me all over again; and again; and again… How much abuse and disrespect do I have to take before I say I’ve had enough? Apparently not as much as Zach can dish. I basically wasn’t speaking to him for a good long while and sat in the kitchen, alone, crying until around 3:30 when I decided it was time for that drink I so desperately wanted. I even added extra Vodka. Just about the time I poured my first one, Ellen and Sonny came in and Ellen told me she’d had a bad day too. Alright then; negativity was in the air. She went upstairs, as did Sonny, my kids were in the living room watching TV and I remained in the kitchen crying and drinking and seriously craving a cigarette like nobody’s business.

After about a half hour, I’d had three of my drinks – I think I’ve described them before; a 32oz. glass filled with ice and with a shot (or three) of Vodka in the bottom that is then covered with juice (of any kind). It makes for a nice mellow most days; today, when I was drinking them quickly, it made for a nice drunk. I was still sitting in the kitchen drinking when Sonny came down to chat and shortly there after I went up to Ellen’s room to talk to her. There I just couldn’t resist and this is where I fucked up badly. I smoked one of her cigarettes. She didn’t blame me and neither should you. After the shit I’d been through with my kids I deserved one. Then I had another, and another. By the end of the night I probably smoked six or seven. That really sucks. I can’t believe I screwed up so badly.

Sonny kept telling me that it was okay that I’d have to own up to it on my blog. That I can do but I can’t undo the huge error in judgment I made. I was doing so well and now I have to start the clock all over again. That really sucks. I wish I could put the blame on someone else but I can’t. I knew I shouldn’t have done it; and I kept telling myself that I could get past the urge but I gave in instead. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I couldn’t deal with the shit that Paul put on my kids; I’m sorry that I couldn’t deal with the shit that my kids put on me; and I’m sorry that I couldn’t live up to the promise to myself that when I quit in April it would be for good. It’s not that I’ve started smoking again, and, after tonight I’ll be done with it – I hope – for good. I just can’t believe that I let this same bullshit get in the way of my goals.

Zach’s tantrums and hateful words had me filled with flashbacks and the PTSD and physiological responses were coming faster than I could stop or control them. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I never even think of drinking first thing in the morning so I was completely surprised when we arrived home and I realized what time it was. Having a smoke was my second option but I thought I could just sit there and let it pass. I thought wrong. I could have just let it pass but I chose not to. That was wrong of me and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I don’t even know how to express it. I feel like I cheated myself out of something great and now I can’t get it back. I’ll never get it back; I’ll just have to start over. So, starting tomorrow – or later today, I should say – I’ll be starting from day one again. Maybe this time I can actually accomplish something that I start. Fingers crossed.

Until next time…peace to all.